Really tired, alone and making poor choices

[eko]

Hey, sorry I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I've been struggling in silence for a few years and now it's suffocating.

I've been slowly dealing with what life throws at me and trying to get by, however I just hit an all time low this week. It was my birthday Tuesday and I was alone (family lives away, no friends) so to fill that void I spent a significant amount of money and I can't return the most expensive product (I bought a second ps4, I don't even know why? I don't need it and I don't usually spend money so recklessly?) so my 22nd birthday was spent alone and crying the whole day. I've continued crying since then with feeling such immense regret/shame that I feel nauseous.

My sleeping is a disaster, I've been desperately trying to fix it but the only way I can be awake during the day is doing all-nighters so the past few days I've been awake for 20+ hours with 1-7 hours sleep in between, I feel awful mentally and physically. I've bought this up with different doctors and psychologists over the years to which they say to that I need to be more strict with my alarm, but I simply cannot fall asleep during the night (and my body wakes itself up during the night even if I'm exhausted), I've tried the every bit of advice to fall asleep but I just toss and turn for hours. When I let my body sleep when it wants without forcing an all-nighter I naturally fall asleep around 7am, which is not great when looking for a 9-5 job.

That being said, I'm unemployed. Only had one job at 16 then been unemployed ever since, I honestly feel like I don't have a chance because I don't know how to socialize with people and I freeze/burst into tears so frequently. Still don't even have a driver's license and unsure if I ever can since I panic so often.

Overall, I feel like a waste of space with nothing to contribute to society and at this point, it seems I'm too much of a burden that I don't deserve any friends even if I were to find anyone who could tolerate my existence. I've been diagnosed with depression at 14 and anxiety at 17, while I have made big improvements over the years, ever since this year I've relapsed real hard and can't pick myself back up.

Really sorry for the huge wall of text. I've been feeling physically sick from regret for three days straight and it's really taking a toll on my mental health, I don't know what to do. Thank you and sorry again if anyone had the patience to read all that...

[smallwolf]

Hi eko,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Sorry to read that things are difficult for you at the moment. I want to to know that you are not alone in this space, and will be supported by myself and other users here in the forums.

Sleep is a problem that many of us here deal with. While my sleep problems were not as bad as yours sound, I would wake around 2am stressing over work and anything else that was in my mind and would stare at the alarm clock trying to get back to sleep. For some people it can be a medical condition as well. My son has hypersomnia which means that you don't proper sleep at night time and tired in the day, fall asleep easily etc. But if you are able to get some "real" (whatever that means) sleep at night, it might help you in other areas as well.

I guess that you are aware of sleep hygiene? My psychiatrist also told me to stop drinking coffee after 4pm. When transitioning between medications I would get extra tired and have a nap in the afternoon. And then have problems getting to sleep at night. She (my psychiatrist) slapped her cheeks and said (sarcastically) "Really?!?" (We get on well so she can get away with that!)

But when we relapse, we need to remember what worked for us previously and put into practice whatever strategies worked before? Can you remember what you did previously? Things like meditations? deep breathing? mindful exercises? walking? music? what distractions did you use? There are threads on the forums about these topics. I can get you the links if you are interested?

I also maintain a gratitude journal for my psychologist - things to be thankful for. Here are a couple from last night...

• sense of smell to be able to smell the aroma of food and flowers
• sense of taste to be able to enjoy food
• the beauty in mother earth
• the sound of rain feeding the earth

^ things I otherwise take to granted. I want you to know that I am listening to you, and also aware that I don't want to overburden you with information - that can wait for later post. I hope you might come back soon to share some more, and slowly bit by bit, get back to that place before things started going haywire this year.

Peace to you,

Tim

[JessF]

Hello eko, it's difficult when you get into a rut and feel like there's no way out. It can all feel so overwhelming when you just see obstacles all around you, and when that leads to all the negative self-talk about feeling you're a burden and a waste of space, it makes things even harder.

Don't discount the big improvements you have made over the years. For some of us, mental health is an ongoing struggle and we will slide backwards. It's at times like these that it's important to rememebr that we have improved and recovered in the past, and we will do so again in the future.

But it's important to keep taking steps to move forward during this time, even small ones, as nothing happens by itself. Just a couple of things that came to mind for me from a few things you mentioned:

- The big purchase: while you might not be able to get a refund, some stores may give you credit on a returned item. This might be worth investigating. If not, you may be able to recover a good portion of the item by selling it as near new. Although it's a hard lesson, learning that making impulse purchases when you're depressed is a trigger is something you can be mindful of in the future. Many of us have been there.

- Sleep: the more you stress about not sleeping, the harder it will be to sleep. It's good that you've worked out when your 'natural' sleep rhythm currently is, and that it is quite out of step with where you want to be. A trick to try with this is adjusting your sleep pattern over the space of several weeks by trying to go to bed a little earlier (no more than an hour or so) each night. Tim's points about sleep hygeine are very good too. The lack of sleep will be a large contributor to your depression, so this might be a good one to look at as a priority. When those negative thoughts pop up, tell yourself that it is 'tired me' talking; perhaps even give that person a name and a silly voice to help you take the words less seriously.

- No family nearby: until you get back on your feet, might it be worth moving back somewhere closer to where you have support?

A lot in there to think about. I hope to hear from you again soon.

[Err-bear]

Hi eko,

I know what it's like not to be able to sleep at night. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to sleep and keep myself up on purpose, and other times I just can't sleep...rolling around, not able to get comfortable, totally frustrated... Sleeping in the day makes me feel extra disconnected and depressed though. I was prescribed medication and it helped me a lot. It's prolonged-release melatonin so it helps you feel tired and keeps you asleep as well. It gets you on a forced, user-defined sleep rhythm. You could ask your GP about it? One thing that worked for me was setting an alarm on my phone for half an hour before I wanted to be asleep. It usually just annoys me, but sometimes it prompts me to start my bedtime routine (brush teeth, wash face, get into PJs, put on nature sounds and oil diffuser with lavender, orange, chamomile & valerian). Sometimes is better than never. -Err-Bear