Reality is hard.

[willow89]

I dont know what to say. I guess I feel uneasy in life. For years my moods have been all over the place; from overly happily and excited to ignorant, distant and cold. I have anxiety about communicating with people or what people think of me. I get stressed when people invite me to events that I know I will have to attend or 'should' attend and then the whole time leading up to it Im stressed, anxious and distant that it effects my work. I have been sent home, called in sick, and managed to gain a group of haters because of my moods and "depressingness".. The worst part is I am fully aware of all my potential and how great I am at my job, but I am soo unmotivated with EVERYTHING in life that I just don't apply myself. Nothing seems important enough to try. Im not motivated by money and although I like my job I still would rather lay in bed all day instead. I struggle to focus my thoughts on the good in the world when my perspective only sees hate. Things like war, poverty, animal cruelty, technology, government deception. Things like this cross my mind everyday and I wish for death away from this place of hate and greed. I feel trapped in a society/culture that I don't agree with. This makes it hard to fit in and feel accepted. Having noone to speak to, noone to turn to, noone who thinks like me, I turn to myself and unfortunately I am a horrible person. I have nothing nice to say about myself, I always judge myself and think the worst and sometimes I think I hear people talking about me when I know they are not.. that sounds weird but its really Fkd-up. I have kept a diary for a very long time and before that in my teen years I wrote letter. This does help but I dont do it as often and all I ever seem to write is miserable stuff. I have companions whom I love. I have always had some type of substance in my life. At one point it was meth, ectasy, alcohol, and marijuana. Currently I smoke weed and have found this to be the most stabilizing of them all but i dont promote it at all, infact I would reccommend otherwise. Unfortunately for me it helps me feel less. Which is my way of coping at the moment.I will refuse medications or pharmaceuticals and the doctors as they have been nothing but failures to me in my past experiences. My beliefs apose this industry and the community rules apose me for speaking in depth on this. Any ideas for feeling importance in life for daily activities? Or how to want to get out of bed each day.

[Guest_1055]

Hi willow

Gosh... I just read only a few sentences that you wrote and started to relate quite well to some things you mentioned. So please know and feel reassured you are not the only one who thinks like this. I too have issues communicating with others, more verbal communication issues then the written form. I am guessing by the way you expressed yourself here,( which is very well) and the fact you wrote in your diary leads me to believe you are better at writing too.

Wondering if other people like you or having a fear of what they think of you. You are definitely not alone in that. And also I already like you and I don't even know your real name. I like the fact that you seem to be deep thinker, thinking upon real important issues about what life is like on earth. True I definitely agree with you there is much hate, war, greed, deception in the government, and cruelty to animals. To be honest in actually hurts me somehow to know others have suffered by this evil that is here. I am guessing you may be the same. Would that be right?

Do you ever just go outside, look up into the night sky and look at the stars? The greatness of what your eyes see is magnificent really. Sometimes when I struggle, I will do just that. Focus on the brightness, the sparkle, the expanse of the night sky and even the moon. There is goodness there or something.

Sometimes focusing on creation all around you does help. Like one can really listen to the birds singing happily outside, whilst you are waking up in the morning. They are so trusting and if you listen close enough you can pick up the songs of the different birds. Really like a chorus. Truly beautiful.

One can choose to really notice and hear the happy giggling baby in the supermarket. One can chose to really taste a drink of cool refreshing water after you have been working. Those are just some things I do...I think it gets your mind on to the simple and uncomplicated things. Plus you begin to see that there is beauty all around you.

Oh no... you are not a horrible person, I truly mean that. I even like the fact you are not motivated by money and you think outside the box. All great qualities in you.

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but please don't change who you are to fit in or be accepted. So many people put on masks to cover up who they truly are. Me.. I have tended in the past to just hide somewhere, because I was scared for others to see the real me. I didn't want to be rejected.

I care

Shell xx

[blondguy]

Hi Willow89

Welcome and good on you for posting too

Shelley has been on the forums and has given great advice above.

I have been battling self doubt and low self esteem for many years and it hurts....a lot. I think you are stronger than you believe. To even post on here takes a mega effort...I remember being scared big time to post.

The forums are a judgemental free zone, so even with the restrictions your post is important as without it the forums wouldn't be able to exist.

I hear you loud and clear willow re: "Things like war, poverty, animal cruelty, technology, government deception" These also effect me too, especially animal cruelty. My problem is after having had acute anxiety and depression for 35 years I dont have the mental 'horsepower' to deal with all of it. So I made a choice to focus on the animal cruelty issues when I have the energy.

Like Shelley mentioned above you are your own person and not to change for anyone. The grass can help some people no worries...its been around for ages and being legalized in many countries even just for 'medicinal purposes' too

I understand and respect that you have had a bad time with doctors and meds. I had no other alternative after being a 'strong person' and refusing meds for 10 years thinking that being super fit and eating well will reduce chronic anxiety.......I was so wrong.

I currently take a minor dosage of AD's and have done everyday since 1996. They just provided me with a platform on which I could use the coping mechanisms with greater success.

Thanks heaps for posting Willow. There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you.

No one here will judge or criticize you or how you cope.

I hope your weekend is good to you

My kind thoughts

Paul

[hayleynew]

Hi Willow89,

You certainly have a lot on your plate. This is all heavy for me so I'm wondering how you must be feeling.

I can however empathise with the social anxiety; I dread going out, I hate "catching up with friends" and end up cancelling or finding an excuse not to go or stay long. I come up with several scenarios as to what may go wrong and I freak myself out to the point I turn myself off the idea of going. You are aware you are doing it, you probably feel like a total bitch and you know that's probably how you will be seen by others and part of you just doesn't care...am I right?

What has made you so sceptical of medication in the past? Do you think if you found the right doctor, you may in turn find the right medication? Sometimes it takes a couple of months and several different medications to find the right one that is suitable for you and that is a suitable dosage too. Would I be right in suggesting that you don't want to partake in medication due to your previous drug involvement (I'm not calling it abuse as I don't know how heavy the use was)?

I understand how Government, animal cruelty, war and poverty can influence someone's life but what makes it important to you? What is making you hold onto thoughts about these concepts and how are they influencing your life? Have you thought of using this as an outlet to help you? Blog writing might be an effective way to get your view across in a more productive way.

Marijuana, although an hallucinogenic, creates depressive-like symptoms also so it be easy to have a more distorted reality of what may be going on and feeling more overwhelmed than what you would had you not been smoking it. All of this you probably know already, and we certainly can't tell you to stop if you think it may be helping although fro what you have said, it has become a hindrance too.

I have started to focus on walking and exercising everyday and listening to music to help me focus in on what I'm doing rather then what is currently going on in my life or what has happened in the past, deep breathing and meditation, mindfulness and finding something that you know how to do well and sticking to it. This may mean doing some soul-searching and trying new things to get a sense of who you are without critiquing yourself too harshly. Unfortunately, we all tend to be our own worst enemies.

Keep posting and hopefully you find these posts helpful,

Hayleynew