reaching the end of my patience

[kingsalmon]

I'm 24 and I was diagnosed with major depression 7 years ago and I've tried all different kinds of medication and seen all different therapists and counselors and psychologists and..... etc.

Nothing has worked, in all these 7 years nothing has worked and I'm sick of my life being wasted. I want a career and a relationship. I want to stop hating myself. I want friends. I want to stop making up events to cover up my empty life.

The last medication I tried put me in hospital so right now I'm not on anything and not sure if I'm willing to be on anything anymore. I'm tired of the side effects like weight gain and drowsiness. I'm tired of the way I feel the negative side effects within hours but positive side effects take months or never. I don't want my life to go like this but nothing will help me out of it and I mentioned TMS to my dad and he said I'm only scratching the surface with medication because "there's hundreds out there" and I think he expects me to be able to go through another 7 years of this. Maybe there is hundreds out there but I don't have that much patience.

I don't have friends or support either. Because depression stops me from going places and doing things and feeling things. Therapists always laugh it off and tell me it would work if I tried it and they don't seem to understand how depression is draining me. If I had the energy to do exercise and diet and all that I would but I don't even have the will. If depression hasn't drained me enough, +10 years of abuse from my mum and bullying all through primary and high school have done enough on their own.

I don't think people around me believe me but I've been trying. I got a job, I went to uni, I got a cat for company, I attempted moving out of home, I forced myself to exercise, I try to keep up my hobbies. I try to do all the things that apparently will cure me but I can't manage it. Whenever I try to tell people what I'm feeling, they think I'm just being negative and whiney rather than just actually expressing myself. I can't tell anyone this or that without being told "yes, exercise helps with that :)"

People just dont understand how deep I'm buried in this. People don't understand how much effort everything takes even if I'm achieving nothing. People think that because I'm young, I'm fine. People don't believe I can be this messed up at this age. People don't listen to me. They won't listen to me.

I don't even know what I'm asking for in this post. Just some understanding I guess.

[Croix]

Dear Kingsalmon~

Welcome here where you are of course taken seriously, we do listen - how could we not when so many have been down similar paths. Not being responsive to some types of treatment is sadly not that rare, and leaves one in a horrible state.

It does seem at times to take superhuman patience to go though extensive trail and error procedures.

You mentioned TMS as an alternative. Here is The Facts entry on that treatment

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0556

I think it is around page 36 of the document. In addition I would use Google to search for threads where posters have mentioned it. Type the following in that search engine:

TMS beyondblue forum

and see what hits you get.

I hope some of this is hepful

Croix

[kingsalmon]

Thank you. TMS sounds hopeful enough from other people's stories but I'm not sure how realistic it is for me anymore. I don't live in or near Sydney, I don't have the money...dad thinks he knows all about it because he saw a TV show one time that said TMS doesn't work. So he thinks I should stick to medication, so I don't know his position on helping. Dad is lacking something emotionally so explaining why I'm frustrated won't make a difference to him, he seems to think negative emotions can be just switched off and never understands why issues bother me the way they do. I do have a therapist but you know...it would be nice to have support from someone who doesn't feel obligated and does it because they want to..

I could get it done without him. I don't need his permission. But he's the only offline support I have...even though he doesn't actually provide much other than presence.

Sorry, this turned into a vent more than a reply.

[Croix]

Dear Kingsalmon~

I guess there are a couple of things I'd like to say, the first being while TMS may be an effective treatment - I am no doctor, don't know anyone that has had it and have no opinion - I do think there is a danger in pinning all one's hope on one avenue of treatment.

My own experiences lead me to think that there is a matter of degree with some things simply being more effective than others, and the same end reached in different ways.

I guess one has to do what is available and keep up hope.

Trying to explain what one is going though to someone with no experience of MH and strong views is very frustrating, unlike here - where you can say something and have others relate to it straight away - your explanations are viewed in terms of normal life and negative judgments can quickly follow.

How many here have said just getting out of bed when all seems hopeless is well night impossible, yet to the outsider it may seem like laziness - a completely wrong conclusion.

That being said a presence, if given with genuine care, is worth a lot.

The vent is fine, frustration needs an outlet

Croix

[chrissy1]

Hi there,

well u explained how I am as well, ur words were so well explained. It's so frustrating to try and tell someone how u really feel(I think they think we are way out there) so ur not on ur own.

I really like reading everyone's threads,I don't feel so alone.

hoping ur getting the answers ur looking for

take care, talk anytime

chrissy1

[kingsalmon]

Croix, I agree with everything, especially that you can reach the same end in different ways. Since diagnosis, I've spent my life thinking medication and therapy were the only treatment options. And I was feeling pretty hopeless because of that, because medication isn't working and when I had CBT years and years ago, it felt like a kindergarten class and was not effective at all. I think my problems have always been beyond what a counsellor is even trained to deal with. They've all been clueless about my issues but kept seeing me anyway. When I wasn't recovering or improving at all, it just gave me the idea that things like CBT were meant to just distract you from your problems for a bit so everyone else can have a break from you.

I'm gonna talk to my current psychologist about trying things like CBT again. I'm assuming it would be more effective doing it with the right person.

Chrissy, thanks and I'm glad (in a way) that you can relate so well.

[Croix]

Dear Kingsalmon (with a wave to Chrissy)~

I have quite a strong feeling that it is the relationship and confidence in the doctor or therapist as much as the type of therapy that produces results. I'm not a doctor, so this is just my impression from umpteen years of treatments.

Having a therapist that seems to be just going though the motions frustrating and discouraging. I think if you are lucky enough to find one that 'clicks' you will realize the fact just about straight away.

Croix

[kingsalmon]

I feel like I've had the worst day ever

Saw my psychiatrist today. I didn't need to but I was pushed to make an appointment because everyone else decided for me that the first appointment wasn't good enough. So I had to make a second appointment so dad could come with me and he basically demanded there must be a cure or something which ended up with the psychiatrist telling me, not directly but his meaning was, I'm not trying hard enough.

Now hopefully obviously, I feel absolutely shitty. I've spent my whole life thinking everything was my fault for not being good enough and I was just starting to convince myself maybe my problems are real, just to be sent right backwards in one hour.

There's more I wanna write but I don't even feel like it. Maybe later

[Croix]

Dear Kingsalmon~

I have the feeling with your dad making waves and causing pressure both in the consultation and at home anything your psychiatrist said could be taken as some sort of criticism or accusation. Does not mean it was, just you have so much 'learned' behavior doubting yourself you naturally draw that conclusion.

You said you were starting to believe your problems are real. Please hang on to that thought.

Can you strongly suggest to your psych that he wants to see you alone - no accompanying at all? You could phone in advance. For you to form a good working relationship with him you have to have unimpeded access. If he agrees you have a first step.

Your father's/family's views came up in your first posts, deciding on the basis of ignorance and a TV program what treatment was suitable for you. So you can see your ideas are probably more sensible. If you do get to be alone with the psych then I guess you can raise the question of TMS.

I'm an example of things getting better in time. I was a complete mess. If I can improve out of sight I guess there is a pretty good chance for you .

Croix