PTSD with depression: after a lifetime, it all makes sense

[Kirlei02]

Hi, Not sure what I'm looking for here? About 2 years ago finally got the label that I suffered PTSD with depression, after a lifetime (just about it seems) all of a sudden things started to make sense. I wasn't going crazy, there was actually a name for the looney toon I thought I was! I have been through numerous counselling sessions, just last year the psychologist who helped really identify things for me. But as we know 10 sessions goes real fast. Really struggle day to day just getting through life, feeling and doing and motivating myself. I tend to stay home, don't ring people don't socialise. My life enjoyment is not there and don't feel emotion often.  I'm my own worst enemy as I wont go on normal drugs, just lately have been trialling natural remedies and don't sIeep although tired. Just basically stopped enjoying life. I hold down a job doing rotating rosters which helps me get up each day.I struggle to deal with large amounts of people around (although if I'm in the right head space I can do it .. weird woman I am)

I always on high alert in social gatherings, stomach churns etc.

II have wonderful children and grandchildren who are there for me, but I spend half my time hiding who I really am.. just because I don't want to hurt them or for them to worry.

 I don't even know what I'm looking for..sometimes none of it makes sense

[Neil_1]

Hi Kirlei  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post here.

That’s such a positive thing about your psychologist from last year being very helpful.  Psyches can often be hard to find – there are so many out there;  but to find one that you gel with can take time.  That’s absolutely brilliant that you found your psych to be great for you. 

When my psych sessions run out – it’s a matter of me going back to my GP to get another mental health check completed – I can then get more appointments. 

Are you able to see your GP to get further referrals to your psyche again?  

I’m hearing you with what you say about:  “tend to stay home (yep, that’s me), don’t ring people (ME big time – and if the phone rings, I hope like crazy that it’s not someone asking for me),  don’t socialise (giddy up again).  

We differ in the next part, as I’m on 3 different kinds of anti-depressant medication – and really, if I could advise one thing, I would really recommend that you start to take medications that have been prescribed or at least, that’s the way I’m reading what you’ve said – in that, you’ve got a script, but you haven't got them yet??  Along with other mechanisms that you’re undertaking, they really do help.  

Awesome you’ve got a job – and yes, without a job, it would be highly difficult to get out of bed.  That’s a big bonus for you – for the record, do you find that you deal with things “ok” at work, do you enjoy your job?   With work, you do spend a lot of time there.  

 It appears that your family are unaware of how you really feel?  Wowee Kirlei (hey, that rhymes!), that is some acting job that you’ve been able to pull off – I’m guessing for a long time??   Without knowing anything about your situation or your family, etc – I honestly don’t think you’d be hurting your loved ones if you were to divulge your illness.  Yes, it will worry them, but at that time, you should be able to ease any concerns telling them what things you're doing to help yourself.

Kirlei, the last para was a suggestion – by no means should you take it up if you don’t feel 100% ok in doing that.  You never know, you might find a bit of a weight lifted from your shoulders – you may find that you reveal another source of support for you.  And believe me, there’s no better source of support than receiving it from within your own home.  

Thx again for posting, I hope that you can get back to us.  

 Neil

[Kirlei02]

Thanks Neil,

Thanks for answering my post, wasn't too sure if I should write one.. Been on here numerous times.. I was looking for some sort of support group or people to talk to..Yep the psychologist was ok (I've never had great faith in them or counsellors) and I would consider going back for more sessions.

And nope no prescriptions hanging around. I was supposed to go back for another mental health plan but as usual don't as can't face (hmmm not sure if that's the right word) or want to actually admit that i'm not coping in my world. I have been on prescription drugs but chose (in my foolishness) to not continue. I have no theory for this...

wow 3 types for you?

Always have had a job, last one lasted 6 1/2 years but workplace bullying or mental stress took it's toll so I left and found a job that I love.. and yes if I could be there 7 days a week I would. Yep I do deal with things ok at work...

I've always been honest with my kids about what happened in my childhood and answered any questions that they've had (especially with my daughters).. but to them I'm a strong person who has just coped and got on with life.. But for me, I just have to do it day to day.. Because if I don't or think ahead I go into major anxieties..I have to have everything like planned in my head and if it gets rearranged.. man it's tragic, total spin out sometimes.. 

My kids have their own lives with their own things going on so I tell some things and put on a brave face.. love my grandkids, they are one of the many things that keep me going day to day.. Unconditional love from them.. they don't see a loony toon nan lol.. I have a awesome sister who knows everything but I'm the same with her, don't call her (not because I don't want to) but because I don't feel like talking or opening up and telling anyone..

Thanx again Neil

Kirlei

[Neil_1]

Dear Kirlei

You weren’t too sure if you should write a post – well, I’m damn glad that you did.  🙂   And you know, we do our best on here to provide sort of ‘real-life advice’ as we all deal with our own demons, but at the same time are able to relate to so many other wonderful people who come here who are looking for assistance.

 Psychologists can be like that – in fact, in a similar vein to what Forrest Gump said, we could say, “Psychologists are like a box of chocolates – you just never know which one you’re gonna get”.  Damn Neil – what a great book title that’d make!

So I’m heaps pleased to hear that this one was “ok for you. Kirlei – now while I hear you saying that you’ve gotta be strong for you kids and especially your grandkids – if this illness really cements itself deeper within you, it’s going to make it “that much harder” for you to be that loving nan for them.  So I say this in association with you hopefully making that trip to your GP and to seek out what they suggest for you – you know, in conjunction with your psych appointments – they might suggest some type of medication.  Even if for a short while – these things are out there and they’re designed to assist.

I’m going out on a limb here – but Kirlei, people who have cancer, they seek treatment – whatever professional medication is available and that is recommended for them.  They take it or are given it to help deal with their illness.  I’m serious with this, in that having depression is no different – not for us who suffer.  So please think seriously about this.  And chat to your psyche to get their viewpoint on it also?

It’s been great having your post here – I do look forward to hearing from you again,

Neil

[vip]

Hi Kirlei great advice from Neil there yes I have experienced all those symptoms you have now. You really need the professional help now otherwise it will get worse. Natural remedies ect are really not good enough this is a serious illness just like cancer that must be treated. Yes and that feeling of feeling weird I honestly can tell you I was like that from age 7 when all the teachers were telling my mum there is a quietness strangeness with your daughter and guess what this then turned into full blown depression by age 17 . Im 40 now and still have to manage all this ans still have those moments I don't want to see people I cant go places but I really have to force myself and I hate that I have to do that . Your not alone here this is all too common with depression but do speak to your gp and get a referral to a psych its all worth it in the end to get some sought of enjoyment out of life .take care

[BeeGee]

Hi Kerlei

Great posts - thanks for sharing your story with us.  And as always thanks Neil for excellent advice... yet again!  You always seem to hit the nail on the head.

I just wanted to say how much I admire what you've been able to make of your life under really adverse circumstances.  You've struggled wit PTSD, you've lived life going through the motions (boy I know all about that) and you've raised great kids without damaging them despite your own problems.  That's a mighty tall order, so even though it's hard for us to recognise the positives in our lives you should be REALLY PROUD of what you've managed to do while living with this life-sapping illness.

Now - it's your time.  You've been there for your kids, you're there now for your grandkids - it's time you got to enjoy life and feel (yes, feel - I'm not there yet but I'm really looking forward to remembering what it's like to feel again) life and enjoy it, not just endure it.

Please consider Neil's suggestion of trying meds to help treat your illness.  They can require perseverance and commitment; the first one you try may not be the one that works for you, but chances are really good that there is one out there that will be a good fit for you.  I'm just starting meds myself after 30+ years of undiagnosed depression because I'm sick of just existing, going through the motions of life without actually living it.  There has to be more than this.  And from all reports there is!  I look forward to really living again instead of being a convincing robot with all the right moves.  Do you think that might be something worthwhile for you?

[geoff]

dear Kirlei, and yes welcome a board again, as it seems you had another username, but that doesn't matter one iota.

There have been some great and gentle replies back to you, and this is something that you may need to think about.

By having PTSD is an illness that you and a lot of us have to carry, and whether we can overcome this I'm not quite sure, psych's say that it can be done, but I have yet to believe this can be done, however it's an important illness that you, me and plenty of others just carry from week to week, and then year to year and it is embedded in our subconscious and then becomes a natural reaction to how we avoid it or how we try to believe that it isn't happening.

We/you can pretend to stay strong to our family but eventually a weakness will appear somewhere down the line, it happens by mistake or we don't even know that it has happened, so it will be picked up by a family member who has the sight of an eagle, watching over the family with hawk eyes, and so a huge problem can arise out of this.

If you deny any problem, and you know as well as a family member and you keep to yourselves then a wedge will appear in this much loved family, so please I beg you for this not to happen, because this family member which then leads to other family members only want to help you, that's their intent.

Don't push them aside, extend your arm out to them, you have beautiful grandchildren who love you, but they don't need to know anything, let your children help you, this is so important for them and you know what it includes you. L Geoff. x

[Kirlei02]

Hey Geoff,

As I said in a recent post I had been on here before. Not sure how long ago and cant remember what I posted. Or even what my username was so very clever of you to find it, I was not trying to hide anything...

My family are fully aware of my life story (well not the really gory details).. but you know how the story goes if you've never experienced it then how do you really relate or absolutely know what the person is actually feeling or reacting.. You don't.. 

I don't deny any problem, when asked I tell the truth  (for want of a word) if I don't feel like going anywhere or cant face days I will tell them. My sister I can tell anything, my partner I can tell anything, (I bet they don't" GET IT" though) cos their actions show it..

... I don't have problems telling anybody about my life or the stuff that happened..I do have problems explaining how it has affected me (I thought I was normal lol)

 I do have problems COPING with day to day living and problem solving, talking on the phone to people.. sorting out banking finances, booking appts. things for me, but I could run a office and answer phones and deal with multi million dollar invoice queries, organise staff etc  but my own  sh#$% I cant..these things all become the impossible for me, they consume me.. so I don't deal with them.  I find this so frustrating and it makes me so angry at myself...

And yes I have 4 days off soon so have decided that I need to tackle the Doc's ( beside the point that I just received a letter that says I need to see him...lol) damn it... for something unrelated..

Oh well it's time to retreat into my night of wake- sleep- mind racing-sleep patterns..

Thanks for everyone's great feedbacks. Nice to talk

Kirlei 

[Neil_1]

Dear Kirlei

Just wanted to say that I hope you have as relaxing a time as you can over the upcoming 4 days off - and that this other issue gets addressed and sorted out for you as quickly as possible.

You did mention that you are able to tell your sister and your partner pretty much everything, but as you said, they most probably don't get it.  On here, I suspect that you know that we DO get it and for that, I hope that for you coming here and posting has been beneficial to you (as I hope it is beneficial to "everyone" who comes here).

So that last para Kirlei was just to say:    We're always gonna be here - you know where we are and if there's "anything" that you wanna unload about or just to chat about or get an opinion on, please please, come and post again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kirlei02]

Thanks Neil, I thank everyone for their feedback. I'm glad that at least someone "gets it", you know when you're talking to people (family included) who look like they're understanding but you know that they're just not! Who if you say "I really am struggling to deal with that at the mo but that they look at you as if you have 2 heads.. Like really it's so simple to them. I really struggle with phoning or talking to people on the phone, or organising my affairs to the point where I just don't deal with it ( it has just taken me 4 months to organise salary packaging) don't know if its just im a kiwi and don't understand these things lol  but I really struggled.. its still not sorted properly but again I'm putting off ringing (stupid I really feel)..

Meds are all sorted woop woop.. but I must find a doctor who listens and not just gives me what I ask for ( or is that a good thing?) /Anyway I seem to be on the right track for now so that's all I can ask for!

I hope everyone is enjoying this freezing weather.. although I was talking to my mum in NZ and they have days where it doesn't get over 7..so we are "warm" lol..

I thank everyone for their support.. I haven't been on as every time I logged in I had to reset my password, so sent a email to the powers that be and they advised that I had a "glitch" for want of a better word on my sign in.. not sure what but seems to work now..

Kirlei