Probably just a rant, any tips please let me know

[tryingtoexist]

BACK GROUND STUFF - So at school there was this beyond blue seminar that I found really helpful, and I’m here cause maybe someone out there can relate to me.

In the past I haven’t had many friends, and only til a few years ago I really had myself. Then during covid I had to juggle school work and take care of my mum, who was going in and out of hospital a lot and couldn’t really walk or get up easy. So I didn’t have anyone to talk to. On top of that I was also extremely bullied back at school by a certain person who said I should die and that no one liked me. I stuffed all those feelings away, I think because no one wanted to talk to me and I didn’t know what I was going through.

Then the next year I forgot about all that and joined a really toxic friend group cause I didn’t know what having friends was like, I thought it was normal to be shut down and ignored. anyways, I started to just be sick of feeling so much that I started to feel nothing, to the point were I was completely numb and didn’t care if I died because I thought no one cared. I don’t know if I had depression, but I did used to purposefully hurt myself to feel something. Since then, I’ve found my way to God and realised I have a purpose, left that friend group, made new friends and started a ‘new chapter’ where I can feel happier. 
TO NOW - lately though, I’ve been trying to move on, but it’s been hard. I keep on wondering if things might have changed or if I really was depressed because I think I might have been and now I overthinking about that. And now I’ve been really anxious, I don’t know why, but I keep getting thoughts about:

• my parents dying
• people hating me
•  failing school
•  losing friends
•  scared of talking in case I’m shut down
• zoning out and imagining terrible scenarios 

which has caused me to do:

- getting chronic headaches 

- itching

- fiddling

- breathing fast

- nausea

- dizziness 

- weakness/fatigue for standing up

- splitting headaches

- biting my lip

i know these things effect me from time to time but now they’re making my life difficult and causing me to leave in class by pretending to go to the bathroom, when in reality I feel like I’m going to breakdown crying or have a panic attack or puke. I hate that I haven’t told anyone but I want some advice like who should I tell, or how should I tell someone? Because I’m scared things will get even worse and no one will notice. I know people care but I don’t know if they can notice in time if that makes sense. i know no-one’s life is easy but I don’t think my life is good enough right now to considered ‘functioning’. I’m just not sure how to talk to my friends because they haven’t noticed at all and I’m scared they think I don’t trust them because I really do.
 

I really hope if someone is reading this they can feel less alone, because it would be nice to know if I’m not completely alone in these feelings. Stay safe, much love<3

[Summer Rose]

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum

Thank you for sharing your story with this community. I know it takes courage, so well done to you.

 I am so pleased that a beyond blue seminar has inspired you to reach out and that you are now considering sharing your feelings and concerns with someone in your world.

My daughter shared with me that she wasn’t feeling well at age 13 and I know she found it daunting. But it was so important because it was the first step towards receiving professional support and eventually achieving wellbeing, and I was glad that she spoke to me.

You’ve asked two important questions, who should I tell? and how should I do this?

My advice would be to open up to someone you really trust, someone who has the maturity to understand the importance and significance of the discussion and someone who has the ability to support you without judgement. This could be a family member, your family doctor, a friend or even a teacher or counsellor at school. Does anyone pop into your mind?
I would suggest you choose a time to talk when you are alone, when you both have time to talk without external pressure and when you feel ready. 
Sometimes it’s hard to get the words out when disclosing such sensitive and personal information. It’s okay to write things down, or even show your confidant your post. Many people find this approach helpful.

It takes strength and courage to reach out for help and you should be really proud of yourself.

Kind thoughts to you

[tryingtoexist]

This is actually pretty helpful as I was considering talking to a school councillor, but I guess I’m just worried my friends might not know how to handle it as my friends in the past have barely noticed when anything happened. It also just felt really good to get off my chest, and I definitely do plan on talking to someone about it very soon. Thank you the words and support, really helpful and kind.

[Summer Rose]

Hello Trying to exist

I’m glad I could help.

Your school counsellor sounds like a good choice. 
With regards to your friends, you don’t have to disclose anything to them that you don’t want to. From my experience there are three types of people: those who get mental health and can provide support, those that want to get it and try their best and those who will never get it.

Have a good think about it, because once you say something you can’t take it back.

A strategy for dealing with your friends is something you can discuss with the counsellor.

Please post anytime and let us know how it goes.

Kind thoughts to you