plummeted in to depression

[longingforchange]

In the past two months I have what I can only describe as plummeted in to depression. It was triggered by some work my husband and I had decided to have done around our home yet afterwards I was left feeling like it was one of the worst decisions of my life and feel constant dread at being in my own home for no logical reason. 

It started out as anxiety and panic attacks after the work had been done when I realised I couldn’t undo it but desperately wanted to. I’ve experienced panic attacks on and off for 9 years but not recently. The anxiety has retreated somewhat but has been replaced by a deepening depression and feelings of worthlessness and in making wrong decisions in my life. 

Looking back I know I’ve had depression for some years, including what I believe was post natal depression after I had my daughter who’s now 8 1/2 but was much too scared at the time to admit to anyone that I needed any help or wasn’t coping. Each time I seem to have been able to pull myself out from the depths of darkness but this time feels different. It feels like all of the dark times rolled in to one and I’m not even sure why it has occurred this time, why now? 

I was feeling so scared that I reached out to my husband and family and started seeing a psychologist which I certainly wouldn't have considered doing in the past. Telling my family of my depression makes me feel like im burdening them which they say it isn’t but I can see their not being able to help me is affecting them too. I don’t feel like im making any progress as my feelings haven’t changed but I do find talking to the psychologist helps, yet is only a temporary feeling until I get home again and my negative thoughts return. All of this turns in to guilt. So many people are in much worse situations, are terminally ill, in bad relationships, have sick loved ones etc. I have no reason to be depressed. I have lovely children, a supportive husband, a stable job, my own home which ive just had work done to, there should be no reason to be depressed. Yet im so desperately unhappy.

For a long time ive been busy with full time work, uni, kids after school and weekend activities and a business. I've been functioning on auto pilot for so long but now i dont feel like i can get out of bed and function. My GP wanted to put me on antidepressants but i'm scared of the effect they may have on me and if they will even be able to help. I keep reading that you're not alone but depression really is such a lonely feeling.

[laura86]

Hello longingforchange,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You sound amazingly overwhelmed with everything that's been going. Can I tell you that home renovations and those kinds of changes are some of the most horrible and stressful experiences you can go through in your life! I to find it really difficult to stay calm when I have so much on my plate. The last time we were moving house I called my partner crying in a total breakdown asking him to come home from work because I couldn't deal with it. So don't worry you're not alone!

One of the worst things about depression though is that a lot of the time there is no reason behind it. That dark cloud just appears one day and seems to hang over us for the longest time. Don't feel guilty for your feelings- you don't have them on purpose! You can't help that you're going through a bad time emotionally. Depression, anxiety etc are illnesses like any other. And sometimes you can have the 'perfect' life yet feel unhappy and nothing in your normal life helps. 

I've started going to a support group in my local area that I found through some Googling which has really helped me connect with other people and talk about my feelings. I find it really helpful and there are people there from all walks of life, all ages. It might help you to do the same. I feel by doing this I don't feel so alone because as you said depression is such a lonely feeling.

It might be an idea to also look into things like meditation, yoga, swimming or other activities that help you to relax- it sounds like you've had so much to worry about that you've left yourself until last. Please don't forget to look after YOU.

Let me know how you go darling.

Laura

xx

[Wellies]

I am 70 years old, retired and live alone. I have been suffering from depression, loneliness and anxiety attacks for several years now. I finally decided to contact someone at Beyond Blue and they put me on to this site. So I thought I would try it and maybe be able to get in contact with like minded people who can understand what depression is. I retired 15 years ago and moved to a small village and thought it wouldn't take me long to get to know people. But can't seem to meet anyone that I can really relate with.

When I was living in remote places it was usually easy to meet people but I had the advantage of having a soulmate and kids and a workplace.It seems like everyone down here have families and have grown up here, intermarried with local families and after 15 years I still feel like an outsider

My wife of 28 years died  several years ago and my kids have grown up, live interstate, and have their own lives  I have lived and worked in mainly remote places for most of my adult life and couldn't   live in a city anymore now.

I spent 3 separate years on Antarctic expeditions and met many good friends. I  returned from my last expedition of 16 months and retired, and bought a house here. Everybody goes back to their home states when you return from Antarctica and it's a bit like losing a big family whom you have spent a lot of time with. Some keep in touch, but you gradually lose touch with them as their lives and interests change. 

I have tried joining clubs, but seem to meet the same people and only see them at a club meeting or when I bump into them at the shops and then it's just ' Hello, how are you? and 'it's a nice day today etc. and then never see them again until I bump into them again.

I've always been a sociable person ( you had to be in Antarctica to live with about 15 other people you had never met before for over a year.) I find this loneliness is so soul destroying and is causing my depression and anxiety. So i thought I would write some of my thoughts on this site and maybe try and connect with some people who are having similar problems in life. I'm not very good on computers, so hope I am doing this right. Anyway I'll see what happens.

Wellies

[HA1]

Hi Wellies

My most sincere apologies for it haven taken this long for anyone to reply to your post.  But it seems it got in among someone else's thread.  Anyway, a much belated welcome to the BB forum.  You will find like minded people on here that you can share your story with, ask questions, or just vent and have a chat.  

It certainly sounds like you have had an interesting and exciting career, will look forward to hearing more about that. 

But, very sad to hear that you have suffered depression and anxiety for a long time now.  When were you first diagnosed? Do you take medication? Do you have regular chats with health professionals?  Sorry about all the questions, but are you able to share this with us. Also feel free to share anything about how you are currently travelling with the meds; do you have ups and downs or have you succeeded in managing your illness?

Would I be right in assuming that part of your depression is associated with losing the love of your life.  That is tragic.  Then leaving behind a career that you enjoyed would no doubt also have played a part.

Wellie, I do hope you are still reading posts on this forum, and if so, can you please get back to us so we can get to know you a little better. Again, apologies for the late reply.

take care

K

[geoff]

dear LFC, I am too very sorry for being late to reply back to you, and can I just digress for a moment and say to Wellie would it be possible to start your own post as it becomes confusing trying to reply to two comments, and please let us know if you don't know how to do it.

There is always a misconception that feeling as though there are far more people worse off, this maybe true, but when you feel the way you do then and post a comment then it's you who are worst off.

You say ' been able to pull myself out from the depths of darkness before', maybe or maybe not, I'm not doubting this but what can happen to people with depression is that we have this mask that we wear which is a pretend personlity and as soon as it taken off down we fall.

For many years I would go and see my psychologist and I was the same talking to her was a relief because I only told her everything, but when I left the darkness started again, so she gave me some exercises to do to try and help me, some I did but mostly I didn't.

Unfortunately what normally happens is that the family get tired of trying to help us so we feel all alone but there are phone numbers to call and one of these is BB on the phone number above or maybe you could try the web chat.

Have you tried taking antidepressants because the doctor will only give you a low dose to begin with just to see if you have any bad side-effects, which you may not, but how about giving them a go and see how they go, as the saying goes 'you won't know until you find out'. L Geoff. x