Please advise: I don’t want to be a loner anymore.

[nearlythere]

Ok long story short...

I have always been a loner at heart. I desperately want this to change.

Since primary school I have always felt distant from others.

Now in my mid-thirties I have a large group of friends; a handful of close friends; socialising is not a problem. I am not shy, happy to talk to anyone. I have an active and busy social life however my loner tendencies still haunt me.

I moved to Australia a few years ago from Europe, started over. Most of my family has passed away. I am single. Childless. Desperately lonely. Prone to depression. I feel like on some level I must be pushing people away. Is my loner-ism psychological? Is it spiritual? It seems that on some level I cannot sustain relationships. I have seen counsellors and therapists. I’m honestly at the end of my tether.

I’d appreciate any/all suggestions.

Many thanks for your time.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi nearlythere,

I am deeply sorry about the passing of so many of your family members. I don’t know what your relationship was like with the but I think grief is generally very rough and difficult ...I’m sorry again....

I feel loneliness can be such an all encompassing and painful feeling. I think it can really hurt and wear a person out over time...

Something seems amiss in your life...as you said, you lead an active social life but still feel very lonely...

It makes me wonder if you’re connecting with people. Yes, sure, I know that a person can be physically around others, and for all intents and purposes, seem engaging.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are connecting at a more emotional level. I wonder if this applies to you...I wonder if perhaps it’s a lack of emotional intimacy (e.g. people to open up to, show your vulnerabilities, etc) that is missing. Granted, I could easily be wrong so please don’t hesitate to let me know if I’m way off the mark....

Now, there’s no pressure or great rush to post again/reply but, if you’re feeling up to it, it would be nice to hear how you have been doing since your opening post. You’re in my thoughts today...

Kindness and warmth...

Pepper

[nearlythere]

Thank you for your kindness Pepper.

You’re right - I definitely have a lack of emotional intimacy. I think losing people has made me closed off. Problem is I genuinely don’t know how to open up to people. I think this is also linked to self esteem. It bothers me this is a “condition” I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember (since early childhood).

Romantically I have been badly hurt over the last 20 years and throwing up walls seems to have become my default setting. It’s like I need reprogramming! I am also mistrustful of my own judgements since being hurt so many times.

Do you know how to develop emotional intimacy? I know it’s a huge mine field of a question.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your reply xx

[IsaJett]

Hi Nearly there

I was hurt so bad it’s not even worth me talking about it ..don’t want to waste an ioarta of a second on it .but lucky for us ..it’s all in the past .

emotional intimacy is very crucial , with the right person ...it can be so wonderful .you obviously need trust ...someone u feel safe with . I promise you that there is someone out there that will provide that . Work on yourself first ...but always continue to love yourself in the interim until this other person surfaces ...until that time ...u still have yourself . It’s the default mode that we put walls up after being hurt . But love like you never been hurt ...is what I am saying . And yes I have been reprogrammed ...i reprogrammed myself ...lol

i found that I was actually the one that made my own situation difficult ..I was like my worst enemy . I have reassessed and happy to report I am now my own best friend ..my own cheerleader.

im sorry I don’t filter what I say much ..but I find that honesty helps heaps and forces us to think about stuff from another angle .

[Peppermintbach]

Hi nearlythere (waves to Isabel and all),

It’s lovely to hear from you again. Thanks so much for writing...

I feel that I get where you’re coming from to some extent. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense about how losing people and being hurt many times means you learnt to built walls..

I feel this wall is a bit of a double edged sword though. I feel the intent was (is) self protection but it also often ends up inevitably becoming a self imposed (emotional) prison too...

I must admit that I’m not the best at emotional intimacy. I tend to keep my innermost thoughts and problems to myself for the most part. I can definitely relate to how you built a wall around yourself as self protection/self preservation after being hurt too many times...it’s my default setting too...

I think this might sound odd but I find animals can play a role in developing emotional intimacy (for some people anyway). Animals, especially dogs, are really emotionally attuned and I think we can practice developing emotional connections with animals.

I feel animal friends (or “pets” as other people call them) can make an enormous difference, and I think some some people even turn to animal assisted therapy for help as a means to connect and learn to trust again...granted, I get that this approach may not be for everyone.

My other gentle suggestion is to start small. Maybe think about your current circle and choose one person you feel most comfortable with to practice opening up to in small ways.

Nothing major but maybe just something small like simply expressing “I’ve had a bad day” when you’re struggling, and seeing where that takes you. If s/he is responsive and asks what has happened (for example), you then have the opportunity to try opening up.

If you feel it’s too much at that point, you could just say you’re not ready to talk yet...and maybe just keep practising but don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Hopefully, with practice, it will become easier, and you will open up more...

I suppose what I’m getting at is trying to dip your toe in the water to open up bit by bit...reaching out in small, low pressure ways...

Those are just a couple of my suggestions. Maybe see how you feel about them. I understand that they may or may not suit you but I wanted to share them anyway to hopefully give you some ideas.

No pressure but again, and only if you’re feeling up to it, it would be nice to hear from you 🙂

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper