Plan B - women?!

[Debzmites]

I'm 36 in October, single and struggle with depression, anxiety and BPD. I'm still trying to clear debt and don't think I have anything to offer a make or family. I'm just starting to think maybe it's time to give up hopes of a family and starting to think what are things to plan and aim for if this is the case? Anyone else faced this situation?

[Quiettall]

Hi Debzmites

It is a coincidence that when I was your age, I felt very much the same way after a traumatic divorce and loss of my 2 children, as well as loss of nearly everything else I owned.

However, when I look back the 20+ years, life has had its ups and downs, but there are plenty of women who have suffered marital break-ups, or just not found the right partner yet. You are still young enough to meet someone, maybe with kids already, if that is ok with you.

Most women who are worth the effort, and in a similar situation, are looking more for companionship and true communication, rather than someone who can bankroll them into a rich lifestyle. So keep positive, look for ways where you can meet others, through social outings. You might join an interest group, or maybe check online for any Meetup groups in your area that you could join. These groups are usually started by individuals who just want to socialise around a particular activity, be it exercise, dining out, social chit chat, or some other interest. Think about what you like to do, and maybe you will either find a group of like minded people or think about setting up a Meetup group yourself

[Croix]

Dear Debzmite~

You sound discouraged and down. Perhaps you won't mind if I say you sound a bit hasty too.

Quiettall has said most of it already, however I'll chime in as well because I've seen it from the other (male) side.

My first wife died after 25 yours. We were happy, her loss was devastating. Because I had been happy, and because I came to realize I was not the sort of person who wanted to be alone, I put a letter in the paper and found another lady who became my second wife. I'm not going to say anything further about her because I love her and do not want to make here feel uncomfortable and have not discussed it with her.

I will say she was a around 40. We are now married for 20+ years. It worked great, we are in love and both blessed. Each of us had an offspring of out own. We did not have lots of money, there was a debt to be paid off, it all worked out.

If you have depression and anxiety - let alone BPD - then there is a strong possibility the illness will do the thinking for you, and you will feel lack of self worth - nothing to offer- and lots of other unpleasant things.

I know. I was invalided out of the police with PTSD, anxiety, depression. After all that I had something to offer in a second marriage and as you can see it's worked well.

As for what to plan for - you have not mentioned treatment. May I ask if you are currently being treated with GP, meds, therapy and self help?

Also do you have any family or friends to talk to and support you?

Please post again and say more about yourself, they'll be understanding and warmth.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi

I dont think its so abnormal for a male to have debt and lack of assets. Females can be thrifty with money and many men spend on cars and hobbies...I did.

Also, its harder to get into the housing market and employment is less secure.

Put aside the finances issue. Take the advice of the others and also consider online dating. My daughter did and I'll walk her down the aisle this June.

Tony WK

[Debzmites]

Thanks everyone,

Croix, I think I'm just in a mess. I was seeing a Psychologist regularly but grew tired of the same conversations repeated and nothing major changing so I stopped seeing her March last year, I began 2 days of group therapy, one was ACT, Acceptance Committment Therapy a 12 week program and the other an exercise group. I felt very supported with those two and got a lot out of it. When ACT finished, the facilitator of the exercise left around the same time, August last year I went from 2 days to 0 and no support. We had a great core group and supported each other but since the group started up everyone's left because the new facilitator was so full on.

I persisted and kept going, usually leaving at lunch time. The hospital didn't seem to care. I started DBT in October but didn't last, I was just shell shocked from the DBT diagnosis a couple months earlier. I ended up back in hospital in November for 3 weeks. I did the assessments for Schema and was chosen for an inpatient program in January. I ummed and uhhed because my Parents were moving house and I wanted to help. Decided to go to hospital, was put in a room with an older lady who complained about everything. Everything!! From day 1!! Day 2, I get called by the nurse and told to stop swearing and do not leave a mess on the bathroom floor, they had taken shower curtains down for safety so I left the towel on the floor to soak up the water, it was what I did in November and my other roommate didn't mind. Anyway, I took offence to the fact I was supposed to bend over backwards to make my roommate happy and I snapped, I tried to move my bed to another room and they weren't happy so I told everyone to get fd and discharged myself. Next day I helped my parents move house.

Day after that I was so depressed I drove back 2.5hours and saw my GP to get my meds and talk to him, which helped and stayed in a motel overnight.

I see my psychiatrist again this week, I hide all this from Mum and although dad's supportive I don't talk too much to him bout it. The psychologist I saw 4 times was useless, I saw him last week and concluded I won't see him again. Hoping I get an outreach worker.

Trying to find a place to live 90 min away to do a course march - August.

Deb

[velvetfaerie]

I understand where you are coming from. My situation depresses me a LOT.

I am 37. Never married. No kids. 9 relationships and I ended 8 of them for various reasons. Through online dating I have met a lot of lovely men, with their own issues of course. I am in relationship number 10 and between his issues and my issues, it is a difficult slog. Don't even get me started LOL !

Online dating is a lot of fun, just be wary of some shady folk around. They are rare but they are around.

I wish you much happiness and send you lots of **hugs**

[Debzmites]

Thanks velvet, I've tried internet dating recently, same thing happens, imget talking to a nice guy and he wants to meet up and I wonder why, I tell myself I have nothing to offer, it's a waste of time and I delete my profile. A few weeks later I do it again.

Just going to focus on weight loss and my course until August.

[velvetfaerie]

Sometimes you just never know until you step outside of your comfort zone. I know it is terrifying.... I have moments of terror then, i have a mood swing i throw caution to the wind and think "stuff it". Usually ends up with interesting results.

I know it is hard to grasp but never doubt yourself. We all have something to offer, in my humble opinion. At times I need to listen to my own advice too. 🙂

Focusing on goals, like health and study are very good ways to help build some confidence. Step by step, little win by little accomplishment, things start to build. Trust me I know. With each little success grows belief in yourself.

No more rambling..... shoosh Velv !

XX

🙂

[Croix]

Dear Deb~

I'm afraid I had to smile a couple of times there about the complaining lady Everything!! From day 1!! and your rather forthright instruction to the staff to get fd. I wish I'd been there to see the fun.

OK, I guess I'm supposed to be serious. You have a GP that sounds half-way reasonable from what you say. That's gold. You have sufficient knowledge to know what is not helping, and take the appropriate action - and by the sound of it were not over hasty.

You also recognized what did help. So you are not directionless and lost, you are in a position to seek out more of the effective - no I'm not saying that is dead easy or happens by magic, but it is a start and, all things considered you sound a capable lady (oh dear, I'm showing my non-PC age again) delete 'lady' substitute 'person'.

What else? You can attract the opposite sex, you just don't follow though. As an intelligent person can you sit down and think about what you could do that will let you follow through? No I don't mean cure all your illness, just a specific strategy so you say "OK we can meet at xyz's" for a cuppa or whatever. And then go there!

Maybe practicing saying it might help - it's only words. Anxiety can be put on the back-burner sometimes, I've done it.

Alternatively if you find someone you think might be a go, say you have trouble meeting and see what he does about it - it's a 50-50 thing anyway, you don't need to bear the burden of all the hassles.

You sound lucky, as if your parents are ok, and you can talk to your dad. Is that a help? While he may not be able to get inside your head and understand it all does he care and try? What's with not talking to your mum, are you tying to protect her, or is it something else?

I'm not being nosy, my own experience is a supportive family (Wife in my case, not parents) was the other gold, I would not be here today without her.

I don't know what a course march is. I had to do marching in the police, but that might be just a little different:)

I'm still looking at your words, fueled by depression:

don't think I have anything to offer

Well - intelligence, perception (in most cases), ability & willingness to act, spirit - not a wimp, desire for a mate. That's just a few to be getting on with.

Please keep posting -if only to tell me to fk off for being to cheerful 🙂

Croix

[Debzmites]

hahaha Croix, if that made you smile you would of loved the show I put on, my friend thought I was joking when I asked if I could move in to her private room and I jumped up and said ok, i'll go get my bed! When the nurse stopped me and asked who ok'd it, I declared I did! I made an executive decision! She wasn't impressed, and said it had to go through her, to my response well F this, I'm going home! I also told the Nurse who had asked me to stop swearing that she was fired and told her to go home. My friend agreed when I crack it, I really crack it 😃

My GP is Gold! He really cares and he engages in the conversation and says constructive things. I'm so lucky I found him.

I am starting my Diploma of Remedial Massage March 1 through August 3 so I found a place to live that has a gym, I plan to focus on getting my fitness back which will grow my confidence and make it easier to approach the opposite sex. I can't wait to start the Massage course, it's hands on so i'll be busy and focusing. It should boost my confidence also, instead of saying oh, i'm not working at the moment and who doesn't want a massage?!?!

My Mother can't keep anything quiet, she will gossip about me and she is not supportive or encouraging, it is much easier to not tell her anything. Dad is supportive and encouraging so I talk to him, we do lunch quite often.

Just waiting on the Lawyer to call back and hopefully finalize this case I've been dealing with. I am taking the Department of Education to the AAT to have $16,000 of HECS debt removed, they are so nasty! It's been the most degrading process of my life. I, myself had $28,000 HECS debt removed from 4 Universities but these 2 wanted to play nasty so I took them to court with a Lawyer! I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone, not only are you labelled as irrelevant but the mental health professionals don't want to stand up for you, it's as if you're nothing in the eyes of the Law. I can't wait for it to end!

Thanks for listening Croix