Overwhelmed and repetitive

[UsTwo]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful kiddos girl (2) and boy (4). These kids are a bigger blessing than I could have ever known. At times where I find myself hysterical locked in the bathroom and wanting to end it all i hear them knocking and calling out for me. They're never upset or scared, just curious why I'm crying, they'll take me in their arms and kiss and cuddle me saying "remember we love you mummy!". Exact echoes of when I find them crying and comfort them. Lately though, I've been wondering if it's enough. I hate myself so thoroughly that I feel like I'm destroying my relationship, life and potentially my children's future emotional security. I see a therapist regularly but I'm still a wreck. My husband also sees a therapist as a result of being my support person. Our relationship is tense and while I know he loves me, as he repeatedly states, and that he wants to be there to support me, I can't stop thinking about the huge financial and emotional burden I am on him. I asked him today how he felt about when I'm having and episode and his response was sad, frustrated and tired of how repetitive it is. He was not intending to be mean or hurtful. Just honest. Which I appreciate since I asked him. But ... I hate that this is something I make him feel more often than when I make him laugh, or smile, or happy. I want to go back to the relaxed, happy and confident woman I was when he met me but so much had changed. I feel so overwhelmed by the extent of my issues that I feel both the damaged it has caused to my relationship and the time it would take to become "normal" is essentially an impossible feat. I don't know where to start or what to do. I've contemplated disappearing. If I don't die then he can't feel guilty. It'll just be another thing I've done
After everything I know I can't express this to him so I have no idea what to do. I don't have friends and I am sometimes so desperate for human contact I feel like I'm being torn apart inside. But no one can help me, I know that. So now what? How do I keep going through this overwhelming and repetitive cycle without giving in...?

[Sophie_M]

Hey UsTwo, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed and like a burden to your family. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. It sounds like you are having some pretty heavy thoughts around wanting to dissappear, which we imagine would be really tough. We understand that you are seeing a therapit which is great, but if you find yourself  having a really overwhelming moment, we encourage you to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for some extra support. We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi UsTwo

I feel for you so much as you face the overwhelming challenge of coming to understand yourself. It can definitely be both a depressing and liberating experience, coming to know our self. I know, may sound strange to refer to the process of self understanding as partially depressing but it can be depressing when we're searching for answers we feel we just can't find.

Myself, I came out of my 15 year relationship with depression after my son was born. He's 14 now and his sister is 17. She caught the last three years of me in depression so I understand the guilt that can come from feeling like you're subjecting your child to your own mental health issues. It took some time for me to overcome such guilt. I forgave myself by facing the truth: I raised myself, every time, for her. She helped raise me too, with every hug and consoling word. We were a team when it came to me finding my way out of depression. I also realised there wasn't a huge amount of positive chemistry running through my brain during those years.

In search of self understanding, the turning point for me came during PND group therapy. When we mums were asked to give the facilitator a list of our traits, up they went on the whiteboard...lethargy, bouts of anger, overwhelming sadness, intolerance, frustration, self hate and the list went on and on. I recall thinking 'If we all experience these, this can't just be me'. This is when things clicked for me 'These are the traits of depression, they're not my traits'. If this was depression and not me, who was I? My quest to know began. For more than a decade, I've been raising myself to know who I naturally am. It's been quite a trip.

I feel it's important you know how often you've raised yourself. It's so easy in depression to see how often we're 'failing'. We forget how often we've raised our self. For a start, every time you've come out of that bathroom you've raised yourself to the challenge of being there for your kids. Every time you have tried to understand what brings you down, you've raised yourself to seek greater consciousness. You've raised yourself to seek professional help, which is something not all people can achieve. It would be an easy bet, to bet you have raised yourself in more ways than you can count. I look back at my own years in depression and I'm amazed how often I raised myself through such debilitating mental chemistry.

My question is 'Is your therapist raising you to greater self understanding?'

Take care 🙂

[InhaleExhale]

Hi UsTwo,

To say that you have a lot going on at the moment would be an understatement. I just want to start by saying that the fact that you are posting here and also reaching out to your husband and therapist tell me that you are a very strong person who is working towards and will eventually overcome these debilitating symptoms. You won’t believe me right now and that’s ok.

You’ve said a lot in your post and I hope I am understanding it correctly. Let me know if I’m not.

You mention that when you first met your husband you were relaxed happy and confident. What was this time like, is there something that might help you to return to this state? You’ve also given a bunch of reasons for not wanting to die. You love your gorgeous kiddos and don’t want them to suffer emotionally, you don’t want your husband to feel guilty, he loves you and wants to support you but at the same time you feel like no one can help you, that you are a burden, that you are destroying the lives of those you love. I’m hearing a conflict where on one hand you don’t want to die, but on the other you don’t want to continue down this same path. So, something’s gotta change right?

Well, lets look at what might help and how will you know if things are getting better. Of course, as you already know, there is professional help. The relationship with your therapist is really important in your recovery, do you feel comfortable talking to your therapist and do you feel that it is beneficial? If this isn’t a yes, then might I suggest you consider starting with someone new. Not all therapists are a good fit. Something else that I would like to mention is the Beyond Now app for suicide safety planning. Do you have a safety plan at the moment for when you are feeling suicidal? Perhaps you can have a look through this app with your husband to come up with a few suggestions about what you can do during those times.

To me from an outside perspective, it sounds like you are having a really traumatic time but I do believe that there are things that will help you to fight you way back. Talk to your GP about how you are feeling and keep regular appointments with them to check in. Reach out on these forums. Is there anything that has helped before? I don’t mean to ask too many questions and don’t feel you have to answer any of them.

I’d love to hear back from you to see how you are feeling at the moment.

InhaleExhale.