Over myself

[jenms]

i haven't been online for a while now but have hit another really low period. To be clear, always low it just varies in intensity. At the moment i am pretty rock bottom. Been trying to force myself to exercise, go for a walk, get out of the house but just not succeeding very well. I just look at myself in the mirror every morning and hate what i see. I am constantly 'putting on a brave face' which is exhausting. Occasionally i lose it and burst into tears and if i am at home i just keep working (as i work from home). If i manage to force myself out of the house it doesn't take much to bring me to tears and then i go home again. Invited to a wedding i really should be going to but it was stressing me so much thinking about it that i declined as i didn't want to have a meltdown in 'public' and certainly didn't want to ruin somebodys' wedding day. I know logically that i should force myself out but it is just getting harder and harder. I have my cat who is the only thing keeping me going which sounds pathetic but it is what it is. I have been promising myself to get back into my yoga and walking for the last two months but just haven't done it. Don't expect anybody to fix me but i just really needed to vent today, so there it is.

[therising]

Hi jenms

I really feel for you so much as you face such overwhelming challenges. It's so easy to tell yourself 'You need to be more motivated' and it's easy for others to say it to you too but finding that motivation, especially in depression, can feel completely impossible at times.

Letting go of who you believe you should be and letting go of what you believe you should do can be pretty tough. Replacing such things with what's achievable can make a difference sometimes. With Yoga being a well structured disciplined form of stretching, do you think you'd consider a more freestyle form of stretching, making things more simple? Could you imagine starting this off in bed, when you first wake up? Maybe you stretch your arms up as far as you can and then out to the sides. Roll your ankles a bit and stretch your feet. Then, could you imagine sitting on the side of your bed arching backwards? Maybe, from there, you could see if you can gain a sense of what your body wants to do. Maybe it might lead you to stand up and stretch your arms again. The body hold's incredible levels of natural intelligence. Our job is not to get in the way of what it naturally wants or needs to do. Sounds weird but let your body stretch itself for 5 mins and see what it does.

My husband does a single stretch when he gets out of bed each morning. Occasionally I'll say to him 'Is that it? You know you're body's still somewhat asleep. Don't you want to stretch your way out of relaxation mode to gain a little more energy?' It's also significant how due to either under use of our muscles over time and/or mental stress, the tension can remain stored in our muscles. Do you feel going from disciplined stretcher to freestyle stretcher/tension releaser is achievable?

Walking can be a bit of a yawn at times. Do you feel going from being a walker to being someone who undertakes exercises while walking is doable? The exercises of getting the mail from the letterbox, getting a meal from the fridge and going to the bathroom to have a shower all involve walking. Maybe consider buying a Fitbit, to see how many exercises or how much walking you actually do? Adding exercises will gradually increase the walking factor over time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and start off basic.

Being around a lot of happy people can feel depressing when you're not in a good headspace. Knowing when to go to such events and when not to can be an intuitive call worth trusting on occasion.

Cat's are truly magic 🙂

[Chunty]

Im very pleased to learn that your cat keeps you going. It is not at all pathetic. Cats are the most sensitive beings God has created and they will give you lots of unconditinal love and affection. Admittedly the darlings love their treats, but that is nothing in comparison with what they give. Chunty😻😹

[Zach_M]

Hey jenms, I definitely understand the position you’re in. It wasn’t all that long ago that I also experienced a very similar story.

I understand that you don’t want to be told what to do. I’m sure either yourself or people around you have tried to tell you what to do for a long time. I won't do that, instead I'll tell you that you are not alone in the way you see the world.

For whatever reason, troubles have come into your life and are at your door-step. The same happened to me just over a year ago. I’d completed a bachelor degree, had years of experience in the field, but couldn’t get a job anywhere. Month would go by, still jobless, asking for handouts from anyone that would give it to me, trying to find any job that I could use my expertise in. Nothing. So, I went back to uni to do a masters, thinking I might as well do something, I got half way through, and backed out. During all of this, I had rejection from countless females, “Friends” pushing me to medicate to help me “get over it”, and family pushing me to do something with myself. I had no good role model in my life to turn to, so I turned to books. I was lucky, in that the first authors I read were Robert Greene, Nietzsche, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, and Epictetus. All of which led me down a path that eventually flipped my perspective. In no way am I saying this is what you should think or do, but they are my role models who helped me when no one else could. I eventually learned, and am still learning, the more that I catastrophize in my mind, the more I believe negative self talk to be fact instead of opinion, and the more I worry about all of the possible bad things that could happen in life, the less I get to live to my best potential.

It’s been a long road out of not wanting to leave the house. I understand, it's easy to believe that things can be bad in the future, but no one knows what the future holds. A year ago, I thought I was always going to be alone and jobless, I couldn’t deal with the anxiety of seeing people or applying for jobs anymore. However, with lots of very very small steps (one of my goals was literally to take 5 steps out of the house), I can confidently leave the house, and enjoy life the way that I want to. I'm in no way telling you what to do. Merely letting you know that while life is certainly hard right now, it can get better with persistence, and lots of challenging but manageable steps.

I hope you have a great day my friend