Over It

[Thinker]

Well it's 5pm & I'm already in my Pjs waiting till 9.30pm to take my night time medication so the tablets will just knock me out & my thinking stops. This wasn't how my life was meant to be, the feeling of worthlessness surrounds me & I wonder who actually knows how to help me? Tablets, small goals, doctors appointments, I even went as far as getting a life coach,  it's consumed my life, yet l still wonder what is it I'm meant to be doing most days & ask myself why isn't this going away, I'm doing what they tell me, do they know what their doing? I feel nothing but a flatline, it's like I'm in slow motion, yet others are trained to live life to the fullest, no problems! Why can't l be that person? Why is my brain different? Why is everything such an effort, why does nothing including food ever full me up? It's like l want someone to finally turn my switch on, l want to feel, l want to belong without questioning myself constantly! Now here l am online searching for others because lm wondering if l can connect with them, I'm wondering if there is hope for a person with depression or if l will feel this way for life? 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Thinker

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for your post.

I’ve been dealing with my issues/demons for such a long time now, that I no longer ask the question of “why can’t I be like others who don’t experience this”.  For one thing, I doubt very much that I’d be the person I am today if I didn’t experience this – and I mean that by saying, that I doubt I would be here on these forums and writing/responding back to people;   but I do, as I feel I’ve got experience and knowledge on this awful subject to try to help out.  Don’t really know why I went down that path in responding back to you;  sorry, slight digression;  will try not to do that again.

So you’re on medication(s) – good;   that means you’ve had encounters/appointments with a GP;   oh, you already DID mention that in your post.  See, I’m just being silly now.  Do you not find a small sense of “good” or “achievement” when you are able to complete one of your small goals?    Hopefully there ‘should’ be a little light to switches on, even for a tiny time, to let you know that you DID achieve and that you did good.

Do you work?  Ask this, as it can often help with the occupation of the mind during the day, so you’re not always ruminating your issues.   Although it can be difficult at times, human interaction, even on a small scale is a positive thing.  So even just going to the local shop or to buy a newspaper;  small, tiny in the greater scheme of things, but for us, it can be a huge achievement.

Just to finish off;  you’ve asked whether you’ll feel this way for life.  If you’re around 88yo, then there is a high possibility that you will continue to feel this way for life – dear Thinker and others who may be reading, please note that this was written tongue in cheek.  Ps:  did you know that it’s much easier to type with tongue in cheek, rather than having your fingers crossed!?!?!?  🙂

But I honestly believe that if you’ve got enough mechanisms in place for assisting you, then yes, I believe that depression can be beaten.  Having said that I think also a lot of it lends itself to the type of depression that you’re experiencing and how deeply embedded it is for you.

I do hope that I’ve said something that may be helpful to you – and I would really love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil