On-and-off nothingness. I don’t know any more.

[sqood]

Hi.

As the title says, I really just don’t know. I just know I need to talk and I don’t know how.

I did have someone to talk to, for a while. She was the best part of my life. She was always there when I needed her. She’s the only person I’ve ever talked to about my real thoughts and feelings. I still fell, but she was always there to pick me up.

We broke up about a year and a half ago, after being together for a bit more than a year. Ever since I’ve had no one to pick me up. I haven’t talked to anyone since either. Not in the way I used to talk to her. There’s another void left in me where she used to fit. Just another void among dozens.

I guess I should explain exactly how I feel.

Some days it’s just nothingness. Other days I feel everything at once. The nothingness isn’t a neutral nothingness. It’s a slow, sad nothingness. Like everything is difficult and I can barely move. And when I say I feel everything at once, I mean that I’m attacked by negative emotions. Anger, sadness, regret, guilt. Plus any number of other feelings my brain feels like torturing me with on that day.

It comes and goes. It’s been happening for the past six years, give or take. I feel just fine, happy even, for a while. Maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe a month. But I always fall again.

It was especially bad in years 11 and 12 of school. I thought I just hated school and I’d be fine when I started uni because I’d be studying what I love to do. I’m now doing that course.

Yet I still fall. And I’m struggling more and more to pick myself up. I should be loving life right now. I’m young, have amazing friends and I’m studying something I love.

So why do I feel like this? All my passion is gone. I’m failing assessments because I just don’t care.

I need to talk to someone, but the only time I’m capable of talking about it is also the only time I don’t want to talk about it.

My mother is an absolutely lovely person, and I know that if I tell her about how I feel she will blame herself for being a failure of a parent. I can’t do that to her. My father, on the other hand, just wouldn’t care if I told him. He’d just tell me it’s all in my head. As for my friends, I know they’d be there for me. I can guarantee that they would do whatever it takes to help me. But I don’t want to impose on other people’s lives with my problems. They all have problems of their own, and I’d hate to see them inconvenience themselves for me.

I need help but can’t ask for it. I guess this is my first step.

[therising]

Hi sqood

I feel happy and relieved for you that you posted, a positive pro-active move on your path to change.

Depression can be a seriously brutal and exhausting thing, mentally/emotionally throwing us around like a rag doll (with the anger, sadness, regret, guilt, highs, lows etc.). The cycle aspect is not an unusual aspect, with the best approach being - when the high comes around, jump on and go see someone before the low comes around. A good start may involve you speaking to a trusted GP who can refer you for help (don't just let someone put you on meds without access to support/counseling).

The 'should be' aspect of depression is also tough to deal with...'I should be happy, I should be grateful for all I have', etc. The chemistry involved in depression is incredibly frustrating at times. I compare it to being drunk/sober (yes, sounds like a strange analogy). Saying to someone with depression, 'Be happy!' is like saying to a sober person 'Be drunk!' Just not possible without the right chemistry being involved. Finding someone who can help manage that chemistry is a positive move.

Easy to say but try not to feel like you're imposing on people. Your mum and friends sound like thoughtful people who would be supportive in your quest to change things. Even if you tell someone that you're considering get some professional help, I would imagine they would be an inspirational light on your path, a great guide for you. By the way, most mothers have a natural sense of guilt. I think it's something that kicks in the second they give birth. I am a mother myself. To say 'Mum, you have been a great guide throughout my life but I've just become a little lost' would reassure her that her role in her life as a mother is to continue guiding you not blame herself.

The challenges of depression, along with the grief still present from the break-up, are things you should not have to deal with alone. In the quest to find the healthiest version of your self, guidance is a must when the path appears dark.

Take care sqood

[sqood]

Hi therising.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

I know I need to ask for help. I’ve known for years. But, as you said, it isn’t easy. I come from an Afrikaans family, and I don’t know how much you know about the Afrikaans, but they’re super old-fashioned. Masculinity is a big part of that. All through my childhood I was taught by my father that it’s unacceptable for me to reveal my emotions. So I learned to just be quiet and suffer in silence.

I want to unlearn that. And it’s not that I’m afraid of looking weak, I couldn’t care less about the moronic gender roles my people are so attached to. It’s just that I’m so used to keeping quiet that I don’t know how to talk about it.

And then there’s this vicious cycle of ups and downs. When I’m at rock bottom and digging my way further down, I know I need help. But I can’t ask for it. And when I’m feeling okay, I know I need to ask for help before I dip into another down. But I always inadvertently talk myself out of it.

I tend to think of myself and my brain as two separate entities. Even when I’m feeling okay there are constant thoughts rushing through my head that I feel like I have no control over. And they always convince me not to ask for help. A common thought is, what if I’m just making this all up? What if I do go to a GP and they find nothing wrong with me? What then? And because I’m feeling okay, that thought works. It feels like I can’t prove that I need help so I don’t ask.

Another is the whole “should be” thing. I’ve convinced myself that I have no grounds to justify depression. I have food. I have a home. I have friends. I have a loving mother. I’ve never had to worry about anything important. There are people out there who have it far worse than I do, people who have valid reasons to feel the way I do. It feels like I’d be insulting all of them if I told someone.

Those two thoughts are often combined. What if I’m making it all up? If there’s nothing wrong with me then I’m just disrespecting a very serious condition and everyone who really does suffer from it.

So I don’t talk. And then when the downs hit, I wish I did. I’m locked in a perpetual battle with myself. And I don’t know how to escape.

[therising]

Hi sqood

Simply looking at 3 significant stages of life and the threat of depression that hangs over them paints an interesting picture, when it comes to how depression doesn't discriminate (we don't just need trauma to trigger depression) - 15yo: Who am I going to be whilst I set out to gain my independence? 45yo/Often known as the mid-life crisis stage of life: Who am I going to be now that I realise I'm sick of doing the same old thing and I'm not as young as I used to be? Is it too late for me to change? 75yo: Who am I going to be in retirement, without my job to define me, and who am I now that I am losing some of the people around me, due to illness or my children having established their own lives without me. What is my purpose?

A significant amount of time depression is identity based. We tend to define ourselves based on how we identify with the circumstances and people in our lives. If you also account for the mental programing in our heads which begins in the early stages of life, all this can have an impact on our mental health. The big 'I AM...' comes into play. I AM someone who should not show my emotions, unless I am 'weak'. I AM male and should not be too sensitive. I AM a man whose success is based on the job I choose and the money I earn. This is burdensome stuff, especially if you're a man who wishes to show his emotions because you are sensitive. Heaven forbid being a man who wishes to become a nurse for example (traditionally a female role), not earning a lot of money. Imagine if all children were encouraged to be emotionally expressive communicators who are proud of the career they choose based on a sense of purpose and fulfillment, no matter the pay rate. What a different world this would be. No, instead we live a life of expectation and unhealthy social rules which often encourage us to be someone other than our true self. Step by painful step, the confusion and resistance leads us down into darkness through a type of grieving process regarding a loss of self.

Sounds so simple but the impact when it comes to how we identify our self can be profound.

Effective professionals (psychiatrists and such) are expert in helping us undo the mental programming in order to help us reconnect with our true nature. They can also help us make sense of things, including how the actual chemistry in our head literally changes based on our thoughts. The way to seeing clearly is by finding someone who can bring enlightenment.

Take care sqood!

[sqood]

Hello again therising

Thanks again for your replies. I really do appreciate your responses.

I think I’m on a downward slope again at the moment. I’m constantly tired yet have trouble sleeping, and I’m just starting to feel worse overall. It’s routine at this point.

In the lows I tend to isolate myself, avoiding interaction with people in general. My friends and I frequently chat and play video games together online, but when I’m not feeling great I avoid even that. I managed to convince myself to join in on a game today though, and it actually helped to distract me from how I feel.

Anyway, I really don’t know how the next few days will go. I don’t know how far I’ll end up sinking, or if I’ll end up sinking at all. But even if I do fall, I don’t think I’ll be in any immediate danger. I’ll most likely come out fine. I’ve survived every time so far.

Thanks to you, I might even end up talking to someone this time. But I’ll just have to see how it goes. While the cycle is part of my routine by now, it’s still unpredictable.

I’ll do my best to remember your advice. I have plans with a friend this weekend, someone I trust. I hope I’ll be able to talk to him about this all.

[therising]

Hi sqood

So glad to hear you describe yourself as a survivor, the trait of a strong person. Also good to hear that you can identify with something that gives you somewhat of a natural high (playing games with friends). The natural highs are good for the brain chemistry and also good for the spirit.

That part of you that wants to reach out is the part that is longing to save you, longing to pull you out of depression. Listen carefully because it will keep calling over and over until it is heard and acted upon in constructive ways (such as seeking help and guidance). So tough when that voice in us is so meek and quiet compared to the dialogue depression screams. That meek and loving voice comes from the real you. Believe me when I say that it gets louder the closer you come to being yourself.

Take care sqood and I hope your weekend sees you feeling better.