Nowhere woman

[Bibbetyboo]

I am heading towards my 40th birthday. I have a 2 year old and can't get him into daycare within 40 minutes of home for at least another year unless a place pops up. He was in but the centre suddenly shut leaving us stranded with little hope for a placement until he's 4.

My ex partner and I have irreconcilable differences. I have been trying to work with him as a co-parent for the last 10 months but he's extremely disorganised and often manipulative and unreliable. He attempts advances on me constantly and other woman but when i push back he stonewalls us both and becomes very difficult. 

Without daycare I am unable to work or study and there are jobs everywhere looking for anyone i feel so strangulated and voiceless.
Family is 45 minutes away I have no car and I am currently choking myself financially to save $400 a fn to get a car, also with no license and even a car is going to be difficult to manage.
Employment services said that I am buggered and the chance of me finding work are little.
I have no hope while the television blurts constantly about how many jobs there are and I have no steps possible in which to get one. Even if his father took him and I worked full time it would be at a loss to the family financially and i would never see him.
I try every single day to just focus and be with my son, but the feeling of no future never goes away.
Ive never in my life had anyone say I would be a good anything, not even my own mother who told me I couldn't even be a waitress. 
I have talents, I like to cook and grow things but I cant be a chef because of the hours and cant be a waitress anymore because of the low pay and hours. Work from home is my best option, but how with a 2 yr old and no help?
I'm going to be on the pension forever because there is no way out and I have no idea how I will support my son as his father is older and wont live to see his 20th birthday. I have no inheritance and my family are cold. 

Obviously I have made some dud decisions in life but I never felt I knew why I was here and never had a dream to be this or that or have this husband or whatever, I have never wanted anything not a ring or the latest iphone or car or a house.. none of that was inspiring, and I am just not wired to compete.
Everyone else clicked somewhere and I never did or wil

[ecomama]

Hi Bibbetyboo, warm welcome to the forums. I'm really glad you're here. 

Gosh I could've written alot of your first post a few decades ago myself. So much resonated with me, hugs. 

Congratulations on your little boy! How sweet. I bet he loves you to bits! 

Rome wasn't built in a day. You ONLY have to take the next best step. If that means deciding what you're cooking for dinner tomorrow night, then that's it. Putting on a load of washing then that's the next step. 

We ALL make dud decisions in life! Every person on earth lol. 
So you're not alone there, it's a shared human experience. 

What you DO have is time with your son. Bring it right back to what's important right now... not in 10y or 20y or inheritances or whether his father will be around or not or any other stuff. 

Now is all that really counts. Grounding yourself today will serve you so well over time. 

Grounding you is the opposite of what anxiety does to us. 
If you need some tips on this, just ask! 

Thankyou for already offering support to other members, you're awesome doing this!! 
I saw you fled an abusive situation, well done you! 
You've already taken THE most courageous step in your life, so you've shown many qualities already. 

Just for Today.... breathe out. 
Others will be along soon and you can branch out to meet other members at the BB Cafe and other threads. 
You'll be most welcome. 
Love EM

[Bibbetyboo]

Thanks, thanks very much for your words. 

[ecomama]

How are you doing today Bibbetyboo? 

Love EM

[yggdrasil]

Hi Bibbetyboo,

Thank you so much for posting on here. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, I really feel for you. I hope you get some good support and advice on here.

It sounds like the way your feeling is a totally valid response to your circumstances. Nevertheless, have you considered speaking to your GP about how you're feeling? It may be a helpful first step, as your GP can help link you up with bulk billed psychologists/counsellors if that's something you think could be helpful. I saw a psychologist for many years, and found it helpful.

Regarding work, one flexible option that might suit you and your son is Uber driving/delivering. You don't actually need your own car anymore - lots of drivers hire one through Uber and all the insurance etc is covered as part of the package. I did Uber Eats deliveries for years, and found it to be a good option when I needed work that wasn't too stressful. It was quite rewarding to bring people their food - they are always very happy to see you. I also enjoyed learning all the suburbs and streets in my city. If your son is OK on car trips (maybe with a movie on a phone or tablet or something) it might be possible to do a few hours deliveries each day with him in the car with you? Uber isn't available everywhere though so you'd need to check. 

Remember "this too shall pass" and you can gradually turn the ship around over time. I hope the coming week is a little easier for you. All the best,

yggdrasil

[Bibbetyboo]

Well, its been rough. 
Sorry for the late reply, I don't have a lot of time to spend on technology.
Since my last post my son (2) and I both got COVID from his dad. His dad and I had a co-parental breakdown of communication (Not in front of son) because of his lengthy absences in visitation for 2022.
Thus he disappeared for 3 weeks, stonewalled us and took half the child support and during that time which was two weeks ago, my 25 year old cousin died by his hand. I don't have many cousins.
I feel quite sterile.
For a few days I think I would say deep despair.
It seems to be slowly lifting every day but I often find myself crying out of the blue and trying to hide it. Feels like I am falling apart.
I practise a step by step approach to life and have a strong daily routine, but my son is getting bigger and I am getting smaller.
I have been to the GP but he's unresourceful, (its a trend) he did a mental health audit then tried to give me trial drugs which I declined (chronic migraines) then he said to book another appointment for the referral to a psychologist. I had heaps of phone counselling during 2020 and 2021 for the trauma.  
Psychologists in regional areas have massive wait lists and services the like. 
His father has come back and has been seeing him again but he's passive aggressive towards me. Its just the constant knocks have me at 48kg. I am so numb i cant taste food, nothing is joyful and i am constantly on autopilot. 
 This year I had Covid, Pneumonia, Covid again and now am in recovery from shock. 

Thank you for your question. It felt good to be able to put that somewhere. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Bibbetyboo,

Thank you for posting your story here. I'm sorry to hear about everything that is going on for you and my condolences for your cousin. It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders and no one can blame for feeling burnout and constantly being on autopilot. 

It also sounds like you've done the right things in reaching out for help as well taking steps to find employment. I wish there was something I could say or offer that might be helpful but I am truly at a loss. I feel your pain through your words and can't help but empathise. I know I don't have it as bad as others but I have definitely felt numb, dejected and directionless in my life. It's a horrible situation and left me feeling hollow and empty. All I can say is that salvation is on the way. As long as we do all the right things, which you're doing, an opportunity will eventually and always arise. Unfortunately until then it is a matter of being patient and hopeful. Two values which are more difficult to master than the rest. 

In the meantime, please reach out to beyond blue counsellors if you ever need to talk to someone. You can reach them here on the phone or through webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

Please keep us updated on how you're going. I'd love to hear from you and more about your story. Until then, take care of yourself. 💙

Bob