Nothing helps...imploding

[open_up]

Hi, have had severe depression and anxiety over past few years. Been getting worse lately. Over time, I have tried numerous counsellors/psychologists, inpatient/outpatient psychiatrists, many antidepressants, TMS, hospital admissions, recommended ECT but declined. Also have physical health issues that have resulted in multiple referrals/appointments over the past couple of years. GP put everything down to depression years ago but it wasnt just that. Even the current diagnosis leaves things up in the air, and have been told it may or may not progress in future and appointments come as symptoms change. I have previously been a very fit, healthy, active, private and independent person, so its all hit pretty hard.

I work casually now in a low-key job, but had to speak to boss recently about cutting back days as just not coping at all with the overall load of work/home. Got emotional, now fear prejudice. Work was one place I was safe to keep on my mask and not feel questioned or judged as nobody knew..but now I have let my guard down and many saw it happen.

I have 3 kids. Finding it really hard as just want to be alone. My husband and I have been having issues, he has been speaking to his family about our issues, so they side with him and now dont speak to me. His dad even told him to move on with his life. Tears my heart out as I have done nothing wrong except fight every day against all odds - quick to judge when he has no idea what I have/am going through and have always tried to be there for them. I asked him not to speak to his family because I knew they would side with him - I had asked him to speak to a third party who would be mutual/not take sides if he needed to talk. He had an affair a couple of years ago, but vows hasnt done anything since. Not sure if I believe that.

My family are not a very open family and we dont see each other much. Friends tend to be school mums whose children are friends with mine. A couple know the depth of whats happened but very much have the 'pull your socks up' demeanour and avoid me except for arranging kids stuff. Dont feel able to search out new friends or activities.

Hard to feel hope when even my GP, psychologists and psych have all pretty much said they dont know how to help. If they cant, who can? I feel alone, exhausted and empty. I feel like there's nothing left to try. Feel pretty dark some days...all goes round and round like a washing machine. Nothing I do/have done helps anymore. All feels too much to bear

[Mathy]

Hey open_up and welcome to the BB forum 🙂

Well, there’s a lot happening there for you, and you’ve made a good decision to write this post. This is your space to write your story anonymously and safely.

I’d like to understand your story a bit better. You said that you were a fit, healthy, active, private and independent person, so I’m wondering where marriage and children fit into the timeline - if that’s not a rude question to ask 🙂

open_up said:I feel alone, exhausted and empty. I feel like there's nothing left to try. Feel pretty dark some days...all goes round and round like a washing machine. Nothing I do/have done helps anymore. All feels too much to bear

You’re not alone if you hang in here and communicate, others will come along with ideas and support. I will support you. If you feel in need of immediate support you can always ring the Beyond Blue 24hr line on 1300 22 4636

Bestest to you, please stay in touch with us, cheers M 🙂

[Blue_Jane]

Hi there

Looks like your first post with us, welcome and we hope you find our support useful. As Mathy has said, you have a lot on the go. Thank you for taking the time to share what is happening.

It sounds like things are really hard at the moment, in many different ways.

In terms of your depression and anxiety, does your husband try to understand how you are feeling? Have you tried explaining everything to him, like you have done in your post with us? Maybe if he hears the timeline and how you are feeling about everything, then he might listen and understand more. And include the points around him sharing your issues with his family - when you asked him not to. I think it is really important that you are in a partnership, especially when you are raising three children.

Is there anything you enjoy doing that you have stopped doing because of time, work and family responsibilities? Like walks or painting or writing or listening to music?

In terms of managing your anxiety and depression, have you tried any natural options together with the options you have listed? For example, diet, meditation, acupuncture, mindfulness and exercise? For me it is a mixture of things that have kept me well for the last two years.

I think it is a positive that you spoke to your boss about how you are feeling. Has he/she brought it up since? They are in that position as they need to look after employees like you, so best that they know what you are going through. Hopefully you will be able to do more in the not to distant future. If you mention to him/her some of the positive things you are doing to manage your heath, then they might be reassured that you are on the right track.

Even though you don't see your family much maybe now it is the time to see more of them? Same with some of the friends through school? With the end of year approaching, there might be some fun social events to be part of?

If none of the above is helpful, could you see a new GP? One who could offer a new perspective on your whole medical history?

Look forward to hearing from you.

Blue Jane