Not sure what to do when I have no motivation?

[banana12355]

Hello. I've been feeling bad for a while now. I can't get myself to do anything, and it feels like I'm just trying to kill time until i can sleep again. While I sleep early, and wake up around 8:30 or 9:30 I cannot find the motivation to get myself out of bed until 12 sometimes 1pm. Then I proceed to spend the day lazing around. Nothing is getting done and this is basically how the last two years have gone. Except instead of lazing around I'd take naps. And do no work, and fail subjects. My head constantly feels hazy and I can't seem to concentrate long enough to do anything, let alone form coherent thoughts for essays. I just feel scattered and overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Although very debilitating, that's not even the most alarming part. I don't feel anything toward anyone, I don't care about anyone but myself. And I'm confused because most of the time it feels like I can't feel a thing, and at others I can't stop crying.

I've been trying to fix my erratic sleep patterns, but lack of motivation prevents me getting out of bed even when I'm well rested. Diet isn't that great either as I have no appetite. I exercise everyday.. and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing that I'm withdrawing from friends for a bit because conversations feel meaningless and I don't know what to say at all/it feels fake (social anxiety is also a bit of an issue) or whether I should force myself to get out there more. I'm a very private person, and don't feel close to anyone. I see a psychologist but I'm not sure if it's helping, and I've considered meds but I'm wary of the flat lining effect, especially when I already don't feel much. I have hobbies but I can't muster the motivation to do it or the energy to force myself to. Sorry for the illogical-ness of this all. In all honesty, I'm just very tired.

[Croix]

Dear Banana12355~

That was not illogical, in fact it painted a very clear - and familiar - picture. You sound pretty much as I have when depression has really taken hold. It's hard to realize that all those things, from sleeping so much to withdrawing from friends all have the same cause.

You need to do something right away to correct this. I know you said you see a psychologist, however from the sound if that by itself is ineffective. I found that I needed both therapy and medication to improve. Up till then I just kept getting worse.

Many people hesitate about medication, and that's a pity as it can be a real boon. True it takes while to have effect, and not everybody gains benefit from the first type they take, but in the end it can make a huge difference and one can lead a normal life with energy, accomplishment and feelings. I'd strongly suggest discussing this with your doctor.

Failing your subjects is not good, can you see your institution's disability services or councilor and see if you can get academic penalties reduced? If you are under treatment a certificate should be possible. At the very least deadlines could be relaxed.

Do you have anyone to support you at your home? It can make a real difference to have someone in your corner.

Please come back and talk some more

Croix

[Artemisia]

It sounds as though this has been going on for a long time for you. It also sounds as though you are doing things that are positive to help yourself with seeing a psychologist and exercising.

Often medication can be a great help. My theory is that it is worthwhile trying medication because you don't have to stay on it if it isn't working. For me personally medication makes a big difference in being able to function.

I think it is important to acknowledge that life can be different, but when you are so flat it can be so completely overwhelming. But it sounds as though you want to be able to connect with other people and enjoy your hobbies again.

[geoff]

hello Banana, I can relate to what you have been saying, the only difference is I couldn't do any exercise and it does seem as though depression has grabbed you, I'm so sorry it's feels like hell.
It affects so many people in different ways, but there is always a common theme, loss of interest, tired all the time and failing in work or studies, but you have to realise it's not your fault.
It's difficult to change your sleeping patterns, simply because tiredness takes over and then you give up, and to get out more seems like a good idea but it normally doesn't work because suddenly you feel too tired.
The same applies with wanting to meet new people, simply because you will be pretending to everybody that there is nothing wrong, that's too exhausting, so you avoid it.
If you believe that your psych isn't helping you then you will always be thinking it's a waste of time, so perhaps I would be going back to your doctor and get them to find another psychologist, plus ask them to review your medication. Geoff.

[banana12355]

Hi Croix, thank you for being the first to reply, I appreciate it. I hope you've been feeling better. I guess you're right though, I always try to find a reason why I'm feeling the way I do, why everything I feel, think and do seem so contradictory and mercurial. And over analysing everything just makes me feel more detached, when in reality the simple explanation is I'm depressed.

I considered medication and have a prescription, but the side effects and price were off-putting enough for me to reconsider. Apparently you feel much worse before you feel better, and I can't imagine feeling worse. When it's bad I can't control the crying, even in public. Which is very embarrassing and scary. And while it may stabilise my mood, on the other hand I don't want to feel more numb. I usually alternate between the two. When I'm numb I get restless and just want to feel something.

Unfortunately I didn't decide to see a psych until very recently and I never bothered to get extensions for my work because I didn't know how to explain myself.

My brother knows I feel bad and know's at least somewhat what's going on. It helps but despite knowing I frustrate him sometimes and despite him being very understanding, I still can't open up fully. I don't know why I can't reciprocate the love at all, most of the time I act indifferent to his affection.

Again, thank you for listening.

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Hi you are exercising so that’s great!!! You should be proud of that

[banana12355]

Artemisia

Thanks for understanding and I'm glad to hear that the medication is helping you, it must be such a relief to feel like you can function again. I'm just worried it might make me feel worse..

You are right, I do desperately want to connect with people but it i can't even maintain a conversation with anyone. I just feel awkward and fake, like I'm always on one side of a glass wall and everyone else is on the other. And all I can do is watch. It feels like I'm muted. I'm also worried that I don't care about anyone and I just want to be liked/their attention, I say whatever I'm expected to say. I don't know what to do about that. That's why I've stepped away from people.

[banana12355]

Hi there Geoff,

I'm sorry you felt so bad, I hope you've been feeling better recently?

Your entire description is spot on... pretending is very exhausting. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I go to a psych affiliated with my uni, and am currently on a three month summer holidays where the uni is closed.

[banana12355]

Hello!

Yes, somehow. Thank you for the words of encouragement!! Hope you're having a good day.

[Croix]

Dear Banana12355~

Your mention of a glass wall really struck a chord with me, it is an image I use myself quite often to explain how I've felt.

Although hard to take on board can I suggest worrying you are unable to return affection and care is not really you, if it was you would not worry about it. It is a symptom many of us have had, and this isolation does go away and normal feelings for others return - even if they seem to have been non-existent for a long time.

As an aside if you are at uni you may well be on a reasonable break which might be a good time to become accustomed to medication if you decide to go that way. Not everyone experiences extremes when first taking them. I've had a pretty good set of experiences in that way, even the ones that have been ineffective have not been to bad to become acclimatized to.

Your brother sounds like someone you can rely upon. If you can't face disclosing how you are in person, could you write a note or point him at The Facts menu above?

Croix