Dear Yoli,
"One day, [when] I could not take it any more, I left work in tears and I did not return......I went to my GP who later referred me to a psychiatrist and I ended up in hospital".
Brilliant stuff. You realised you needed help. You took control. OK, it means meds and hospital but you had great awareness. Something happened to make you look after yourself. And it's that same something that will drag you out of this. Only this time you now have a bit more anxiety. But why ?
The ongoing fear of returning to work is really about you thinking "But what if I get sick again ?". Wait a minute - you've already covered this and managed very well to take care. So, surely, if anything stressed you again you would know what to do ? It's not the depression holding you back. It's the fear of depression. You can't block out the possibility of more stress and admissions. But it's in you just the same way it was in you to get help.
I don't know Sen very well but he's got good advice and I agree with him that a bit more communication is always good. Even if it's to say "I am very afraid, if I can use that word - to return to work". It's OK. I've got to organise a NYE gig and last year I went manic. I'm afraid too to sort out musicians and write the music. Last year I even abused a few so it will be difficult to step in and get involved. But I know I can do it as we've been running a big band since 1997. My fear says "No, you'll stuff up" but my heart says "Yes, it's your music, you should be there".
We both have to find a balance and a purpose and feel confident again. Otherwise it'll be 10 years down the track with the same fight and concerns. And, for me, I don't want to live like that. Well, just when my mother in law visits. Lol.
Adios, David.
PS Go and visit some old people in a Nursing Home, take on some meals on wheels, try your hand at voluntary work,etc, and then when you have your mojo back you can apply for something more substantial. I've had multiple psych admissions and the last thing on my mind is "what if I end up back there ?". Recovery is more a state of mind than a set time. Open that window.
