Not able to speak

[GreenHeart]

So this can be both metaphorical and physical. Today it was physically - I'm finding it hard to speak when I'm low and nobody really understands it, and they can be really nasty about it. I don't know what to do in these situations, and I usually dissociate heavily when it's happening. This morning I was sitting with my friends and I couldn't even look them in the eyes - I was just so low I felt like I was suffocating. I think not being able to speak is mainly because I feel like I'm suffocating, and I've found ever since this feeling has emerged I've gained a fear of having my nose and/or mouth covered (because lack of breathing) even when snorkelling.
I don't know how to stop this feeling. It's been going on for so long I just expect it now, and it's as if my depression is getting worse. It's hard to explain, it's literally as if someone has their fist around my throat and I can't speak or will myself to. I can go hours or days without speaking, and this makes my friends and family upset/mad.
How do I explain this to them?
How do I stop this from happening?
Metaphorically not being able to speak involves me being too afraid to talk to people about certain things - but I guess everyone experiences this at some point or another, so it's not my biggest concern.

[startingnew]

hello and Welcome

It can be so hard to talk when we feel no one understands, struggle to find the words to describe how we are, somethings triggering or not comfortable around those people/topics. dont worry your not alone, i do the same thing where i dissociate and shut down (or i got into panic mode). It can also be hard to break the cycle when it becomes a habit so to speak.

Maybe you could challange yourself abit and just say a few words here and there around people your comfortable with. Simply asking how someone is, is a great start, if they ask how you are you dont have to go right into anything a simple, im alright thanks is usually suffice.

Have you got any supports at all like your GP, and/or a psychologist to help you work through this esp since you said you feel your depression is worsening.. i feel that would be a good thing for you if your up for it...

[Croix]

Dear GreenHeart~

I'd like to join Startingnew in welcoming you to the Forum. Your life sounds pretty miserable and must have been going on like that for a fair while.

It is very hard to try to explain to people when they don't have the experience what it is like to have depression or anxiety. Often the best one can hope for is that they care and try to help. Here you have people that are the opposite and respond by being nasty. So I'm not in the slightest surprised that you are unable to talk with them, and not really surprised it has become a physical thing rather than simple reluctance.

This in turn is making you more silent, which seems to annoy them, and they react even more unkindly.

Anxiety has a whole load of physical symptoms at times. I've been unable to talk, and it has been basically a panic attack.

Well the first thing to say is you can talk here, and do it in writing without sound. There are lots of us here with similar experiences and you will certainly be understood without lengthy explanations.

I'm miles better than I used to be, and this is very largely due to proper treatment. Meds and therapies over time have allowed me to now live a life interacting with others, being in a loving relationship and also most importantly having occupation and accomplishments. Panic attacks are very rare.

So may I ask if you are seeing a doctor or other professional? Dealing the the basic illness has to be the way to go, trying to soldier on alone did not work for me. I guess you have two things to overcome when seeing a doctor, the first is the fright, embarrassment and reluctance most of us face, and the second is a straight inability to talk, or the fear it might happen.

My way out has been to take a day or so to write everything down - point form is fine. Then I share the paper in the consultation. It works well, I know nothing has been left out, and I end up just answering questions which is easier than trying to explain.

Apart from those who treat you so badly is there anyone in your life who is on your side and does try? It can make a world of difference.

You are always welcome here

Croix

[GreenHeart]

Hi, and thankyou!

Today I started a new medication and I see a therapist, a gp and other doctors. I just feel as though nothing is really helping. I understand it's a long process - it's been 7 years. I'm just getting desperate at this point for a solution.

I will definitely try out your idea of challenging myself! I often will find it too hard to do so, but I will still attempt it.

Thankyou!

[GreenHeart]

Hi, thankyou!

As I said in my previous response, I've been seeing doctors for a while. I didn't consider your idea that it is reluctance turning into anxiety, and I think it is very true as I do also suffer from anxiety disorders.

There are people in my life who care, I'm happy to say. I never get to see them often, but for the past few years I've had no one and it's good to finally have people again. Although I'm scared I'll frighten them away with my problems. I don't feel as though I'm worth the hassle.

Thankyou so much for your inspiring story, I'm happy to hear people getting better because it gives me hope. 🙂

Thankyou!

-GreenHeart

[Croix]

Dear GreenHeart~

If you have been in that basically toxic environment for any length of time it is not really surprising you have not improved, I would imagine it would keep on making things worse. In my own case treatment only had a chance to be effective when the causes of the problems went away. My main problem was my occupation and it was not until after I have been invalided out that I improved.

So please don't be discouraged about your treatment, it has to have a chance to work.

I'm very glad you now have caring people to be with. I can relate to your not wanting to "scare them off" with your illness, however I'm sure that you could find a middle ground, accepting concern and affection, and only gong into detail if specifically asked. This is a problem so many, me included, have had to deal with.

As for being not worth the hassle - what rubbish. That is depression or anxiety talking. You are as worthy as anyone! Being ill is a human condition, not a moral judgment.

With the right environment I'd imagine you will be the same as me and get to live a pretty good life

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi GreenHeart and welcome,

You've had lovely replies already but I hope it is ok if I join in too.

Your thread made me wonder about the phone helplines. They're anonymous. No pressure to perform. Those on the other end have patience and understand mental illness. I wonder if it might help you to practice speaking to someone? They won't judge and they've no idea who you are. Less pressure or worry.

It's ok if this isn't something that would work for you. I just wondered maybe this might be a gentle way to start. What do you think?

Lovely to see you find your voice online. It is a huge achievement.

Nat

[startingnew]

Your most welcome, im glad you come back and responded.

good luck with it all, i think both Croix and Quercus have covered pretty much everything 🙂

[GreenHeart]

Thankyou so much for your prompt response!

Im sad to say that as I am young I am not able to get out of the toxic situations as easily. We are looking at me moving schools next year but other than that there is nothing else we can really do. I'm hoping that will be enough.

At some point the negative thoughts that enter my head pretty much become my own,so I feel that when I say that, it's me saying it - which is an upsetting discovery to have found.

Thankyou so much!

-GreenHeart

[GreenHeart]

Hi!

I will definitely look at giving it a try, perhaps starting off with the chats and moving onto the calls. This idea never crossed my mind before so I'm definitely going to give it a shot! The only problem is I don't know how to call them without other people hearing and being offended Im not talking to them about it instead.

-GreenHeart