Newborn is here, but I'm lonely sad and overwhelmed

[Guest_62232343]

We have a two week old newborn, he is a lovely boy and he's adorable. 

I should be happy that he's healthy and happy, but I keep drowning in sadness, feeling overwhelmed, and incredibly lonely. 

There are a lot of factors at play, with a huge one being my mother. Without going into a very long story, I grew up with an abusive mother, I've been brutally beaten, seen her attack others, and worst of all, she doesn't remember any of these things. 

But despite being older, and in another town, she's evolved from physical abuse to verbal abuse online. 

This all started when I asked her to get a vaccine, she's not against vaccines, she is just scared of needles. Well, this started a week of non stop abuse, vile things were said and she even verbally attacked my 38 week pregnant Mrs via text. It was... Full on.

Well, we had our child and I decided to be kind, send some photos of the child to my mum, but..she didn't seem to care. Not one congratulations, not once asking how my partner was, and not once seeming to care. 

Well her birthday just came and my Mrs didn't message her happy birthday, a very minor thing, but it started the abuse all over again. Thus, we've blocked her everywhere. 

This entire ordeal has mentally drained me. Alongside my Mrs struggling with 'baby blues' and me dealing with my own depression, it's been rough.

However, seeing my partner with her family all happy to see our child, has left me feeling sad that I can't experience this with my family, all due to how my mother acted. Not only that, but I don't have really any real life friends, but my Mrs has many. She's has so many visitors over the last few weeks and I'm happy to see her being supported, but I can't help feeling more alone than ever. 

I feel I'm letting everyone down, I feel I'm not good enough to please anyone, and I feel completely overwhelmed mentally. 

I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating or drinking much, and I generally feel like I'm breaking down mentally and physically. 

Fortunately, I'm still doing everything to support my partner and child, aside from being sad on and off. 

I don't know what I hoped to achieve by writing this. Maybe confirmation that I'm not going to the villain? That I'm not as bad as my mum thinks I am? Maybe just reassurance I'm doing the best I can.

I don't know. But if you read this, thank you for taking the time. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest_62232343,

My heart goes out to you so much. I actually cried a bit reading your post because it is awful to have a mother who is not being loving and celebrating the birth of your child with you. Your feelings are very valid and understandable. You are absolutely not the villain and your kindness and emotional awareness shine through. Nothing in your mother's attitude and behaviour is about you, even if she tries to make it out to be. She obviously has huge issues within herself.

I had a mother who could be very abusive at times and had the habit of becoming morose if I showed happiness or something good happened for me. So I do know that feeling of being undermined by a parent from whom you would so love to receive love and support. I tried to understand this behaviour in my mother. I think it is something to do with their inability to find peace and healing within themselves, and especially to face their own vulnerabilities in life. It can often be linked to past trauma in their life (i.e. my mother's mother was abusive to her). They are so messed up by their inability to face and resolve their own inner issues that they lash out at others in hurtful ways.

I would say see the beautiful light in your newborn son and know he is a reflection of the light in you. His beautiful energy can heal you. I know it must be hard seeing your partner's family involved and caring with your child knowing that your mother is not participating in this way. The way I have come to terms with these behaviours in my own family has been through radical acceptance - getting to a point where I name and accept the behaviour for what it is. My mother is no longer alive but my brother has continued some of her abusive patterns towards me. I have got to the point where I name and identify these behaviours quite clearly as to what they are - abusive, selfish, arrogant, insensitive etc. I see them as my brother's problems, not mine and I now significantly limit contact with him. It is down to just occasional text communication at the moment. So I have set a boundary around exposure to him and become more detached from him. Interestingly he has reached out a little more in a kinder way since I have done this. I think sometimes they can sense when you become stronger in yourself and sense your boundary, so it may be that your mother learns to start turning and facing some of her own stuff if she senses a stronger, clearer boundary in you. This may or may not happen, but let your beautiful new family be your priority as well as caring deeply with love towards yourself.

Much care and kindness to you,

ER