New start and new approach to this year

[HamSolo01]

The last time I made a post in these forums was in 2017. Back then I was probably in the darkest moment of my life since I can remember. I thought that I was beyond help and there was no hope for me going forward.

Here I am in 2021 and I have a job (even though I want to leave to something else), been on a couple of dates, travelled, finished my degree and also made some new friends. I guess these days my woes are different. I've spent a lot of time looking into my past and trying to see if I can get an explanation or reveal some home truths about myself and my experiences.

I have spent time in a psych ward, I've been on differing meds, I've spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've spent some time with mental health charities working with them.

These days I want some new challenges and new things in life - it's hard. I have desires to get a new job and to also go back and study again.

Today has been a quiet australia day - I would've liked to have done something social but that's been hard because i have lost some friends, struggled to make new ones, but on balance I have been trying to re establish contact with other friends from the past.

I dunno what I want in life and I have more questions than answers. But I guess I am here still

I will see my psychologist soon for the first session of the year now that I have a new Mental health care plan.

I am trying to do my best and I get the feeling that it isn't enough maybe.

Yesterday I was very depressed. It's a hard time. That's all. 😕

[HamSolo01]

Hey Grandy
Thanks for those words. Very nice to see you. Yeah I've been slow to start today which I think worked well because it means I have paced myself.
Its lunch time now already and today has gone reasonably quick thus far.
I guess that's a good thing. Feeling numb and a bit obtuse. May have upset the apple cart already vis a vie a girl i will meet this arvo for a drink. Dating is hard aye.
Anyway. See you round Grandy. Thanks for dropping in

[HamSolo01]

Bit of a marathon this morning.
But it is what it is.
I am feeling a bit down but I can't pin it to anything in particular. It may be that I feel like I'm stupid because I'm still being trained on how to do stuff even after a year. But its not my doing in the end.
Seeing as the opportunity has presented itself now to train up and stay in one particular place then I think its good. So its a temporary thing. I'm also nervous about Adelaide. I think this is normal though and I can employ strategies to get around that because I think I will find it good.
Anyway. I'm getting on by. Maybe that's all that matters. Make do with what is before me and figure out how to change.

[HamSolo01]

I'm so over it its not funny.
I think I've grown to hate the question "what do you want to do" or similar because its usually an unrealistic thing to begin with.

I'm really over being moved about but I also see that they clearly rely on me and know I can do it. They wouldn't ask otherwise. But then its also expected of me. So who knows. Ultimately I don't think I give a toss.

I care more about moving on and getting somewhere in life. I'm so over feeling like a loser and being in a position that doesn't reflect my talents. But I have no way of showing those talents and skills in my current role so how the hell do I get out of here? It's catch 22 or something..

[ecomama]

Hey Hams

Keep dreaming of your dream job, in every detail.

When the opportunity presents itself in a surprising way (most of the time), go for it and JUMP into the abyss.

Seriously, I have never experienced a wrong career decision with this attitude.
Neither have ANY of my children and they're all doing it now.

I'm not saying to chop and change work places often, no. We don't do that either.
But when the impulse is there to DO something, do it.

Onwards and UPwards Hams!

Love EM

[HamSolo01]

Hey EM
Thank you for that encouragement. I do agree. I was chatting to a colleague yesterday about the whole thing.
it was a good chat. There are so many clashes of personality and toxic attitudes in the workplace its not funny. I guess you just gotta make do. They said they trust me to do my job and I'm always learning new stuff and that is the basis of the potential change at work as I am usually moved around A LOT
So if they change it then it's good for me and for them. They can hire someone else to do what I used to.

Idk. I don't want to think about it.

I am in Adelaide til Sunday. I am channelling the vibes of my 2018 holiday. Being as free as I can I guess. Conference tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how it goes and what's involved.

It was good to walk about for an hour to get a vague familiarity with my surroundings here in a different city I never came to. Even the wind feels different and the air smells different too. I am kind of reminded of NYC and Warsaw.. at least in the frame of mind I was in back then.

[ecomama]

Wow Hams, invoke those feelings yeah!

Let us know how the Conference goes. Gosh I remember those lol... ours still haven't started back up yet. I'm enjoying the break from them tbh!

I think you may be "compartmentalising" which is great!
It could be one of the opposites to ruminating which is awful lol.

Be free in Adelaide and I hope you enjoy your stay!

Let us know if you want to.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Hams!

What's this about a girl?

I can't believe I missed that post of yours lol.
How did it go?

Also your mention of NYC made me chuckle. My BF was born in NYC then raised in Cali. Now he lives in Washington State for work, travelling to Alaska for work this week - FREEZING.

Warsaw hey? WOW.
Have you been there often?
The most I know of Warsaw is what that country went through during WW2.

Then a beautiful Dr from Warsaw saved my son from an unnecessary operation. He loved how I knew what that country experienced, we talked for ages after my son was deemed well lol.

That's about it. Do tell if you're keen!

I'm making too many typos, time for bed!

Love EM

[HamSolo01]

G'day EM
I am going to drop in again tonight. But there is a lot on my mind. I am sitting on the balcony of my rental apartment with the sounds of the city below to seranade me,. Today was a long day and it was very intense. I had to stand up and be the speaker for my group because no one wanted to. I hate that. They even knew more about the topic than I did, so I don't get that aye? Anyways. It is what it is.

Adealaide seems like a chilled out place - so long as you know what you want from life I think. Which is what I have had today to think about. Idk.

I will head out for a night walk tonight to just see what it is like.

But I must say that the sitting on the balcony and listening to the city and music is nice. MAybe I'll just come back here lol

[ecomama]

Lolol I agree about Adelaide. Pretty city. The Adelaide Hills are very pretty and when I've visited, they had alot of eco friendly stuff going down.

So funny isn't it about the sharing part of your seminar today.
I guess you were the most extroverted of the bunch lol.
Well done.

Nice thinking! About what you want out of life.... what DO you want?
I used to think in "material terms" and probably just "marriage".... and I still have the wealth goals.... but more importantly I have I guess I want what one could call 'Values' now...
ie LOVE - more specifically love to and from my family, my friends and an intimate life partner.
SECURITY - being physically safe. Having all Investments locked down (from demon ex).
HAPPINESS - doing the things I love to do!

I have the 1st one covered atm.
I've been working hard on the 2nd one for years. Need some work done on the CCTVs lol.
My happiness is something I aim for now, in almost every day I want to choose happiness so I do!

Love to you amazing young man!
Great work today.
EM

[HamSolo01]

Good onya EM my friend thanks again for your support.

Yeah so I didn't go for a night walk. Can do tomorrow. Really tired atm.
Just lounging I guess.

Today was informative if a little underwhelming but you can never truly know about anything unless you try.

Tomorrow I'll be very slow paced. I can process it as it goes. The opposite of today.

Yeah the love thing is foreign to me lol. I think it'll come by in its own way.

Take care firnd and chat soon mate