New start and new approach to this year

[HamSolo01]

The last time I made a post in these forums was in 2017. Back then I was probably in the darkest moment of my life since I can remember. I thought that I was beyond help and there was no hope for me going forward.

Here I am in 2021 and I have a job (even though I want to leave to something else), been on a couple of dates, travelled, finished my degree and also made some new friends. I guess these days my woes are different. I've spent a lot of time looking into my past and trying to see if I can get an explanation or reveal some home truths about myself and my experiences.

I have spent time in a psych ward, I've been on differing meds, I've spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've spent some time with mental health charities working with them.

These days I want some new challenges and new things in life - it's hard. I have desires to get a new job and to also go back and study again.

Today has been a quiet australia day - I would've liked to have done something social but that's been hard because i have lost some friends, struggled to make new ones, but on balance I have been trying to re establish contact with other friends from the past.

I dunno what I want in life and I have more questions than answers. But I guess I am here still

I will see my psychologist soon for the first session of the year now that I have a new Mental health care plan.

I am trying to do my best and I get the feeling that it isn't enough maybe.

Yesterday I was very depressed. It's a hard time. That's all. 😕

[Guest_4643]

Hi Hams, sorry you're having a bad day, me too.

[HamSolo01]

Good to see you Tay

I am at home now. Very exhausted and tired. Not at all well.

Just very sad and depressed

[Guest_4643]

Good to see you too.

I'm sorry, I wish I could do more.

[monkey_magic]

Hi HamSolo and Tay,

I go to the gym about 2 times a week to do weights and swim a couple days a week for cardio. Yeah being tired and training is tough, but possible, and then makes you sleep better.

Did u want to share your problems here? Do U have a handle on them and can you do anything about them?

If you are able to change things or improve things life can get better.

I've made lots of different changes in my life, some for the better, some for the worst but I've learnt along the way and developed as a person. Those bad times can be useful when you're out of them. You can gain personal development.

Today I had painful needles through my gums and painful drilling and a filling at the dentist. Gosh.

[HamSolo01]

Hi Tay and MM (Monkey_Magic)

I completed a job application when i got home tonight. One of the questions right at the end dashed my hopes - about experience with drafting correspondence - the original job ad said nothing about it. But I don't care. I still did the rest of it DESPITE feeling horrible.

I am thinking of taking a sick day tomorrow - maybe Wednesday too. I have the sick hours allocated.

I just had dinner - home made chow mein by my sister - pretty yummy

MM, I think my problems are all over the shop to be honest. but mostly it stems from my current place of work, position in life, feelings of worthlessness and the sense that I am going nowhere anytime soon. I really don't enjoy my job and I am finding it tedious and dull. I feel wasted and like I don't belong there - that my skills and talents are not put to use. I feel bad saying that because many people work there and are good at their job. but it is not for me. At the same time though I feel like I have no talents. no skills. so it's a bit of a contradiction isn't it?

I want to see my GP and ask about medication changes.

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow or Wednesday. I'd rather just go in on Monday next week. But then they may move me again - because they have that ability.

I am longing for the day when I can find something I actually DON'T hate and I can just be like other people who are making their way. I'm sick of being a loser.

Anyway. this is turning into a bit of a rant. but I guess it feels good to air some of these thoughts off.

[HamSolo01]

Had SI today as well 😞

[monkey_magic]

Hi HamSolo,

I have felt like you do in the past so I went to Tafe and studied personal training/ fitness instructing and I changed for the better.

You might actually suprise yourself with the skills and talents you could have tucked away inside of you. They may be undiscovered but there.

You're sounding a little self critical. Give yourself a break. You are trying. You don't have to be at the stage of everyone else.

I'm sure you will find something U don't hate because you have that desire to.

You say you are going nowhere but you're in paid employment...it sounds like you are going somewhere even though it might not feel like it.

Good on you for doing that job application. You don't always have to have everything on the list. Good luck with it.

If you really need time off from work take it but if you will feel better working perhaps stick with it knowing you will be embarking on a change in the near future.

[Guest_4643]

I'm sorry you had SI Hams. I hope you can get your meds sorted.

[HamSolo01]

Thanks MM and Tay

Just watching tennis atm. I will head to bed soon.

I am writing on the side which I enjoy a lot. Got a new small writing gig on the side too. So that's nice. Its unpaid. But its experience in something I like.

I will say goodnight now. Thanks both of you for your input tonight also.

I appreciate it

[Guest_4643]

Sleep well Hams.

Sorry I'm not saying much lately, I've got a bit going on in my head and in reality, sigh. But I'm still here for everyone on the forums, plus I'm not sure what to say. Like I said it's nothing personal. I can't concentrate that well anyway. I've just been colouring in, sometimes that helps.