New here and just looking for some advice and support

[Warren2103]

Hi all, I just wanted to share how I've been feeling in the hope that I can get some advice or tips. I'm a 39 year old male and I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for which I've been seeing a psychologist, but I don't think she's really helping. I'm no expert on depression but mine pretty much feels like a constant feeling of demotivation, lack of interest and enthusiasm in everything from hobbies and interests to social outings. I'm not eating properly and I feel tired most of the time and just want to sleep or lounge around. I can barely get out of bed in the morning to work in a job that I can just put up with in a company that's been going through a restructure over the last 18 months. I'm in the middle of building a house and the uncertainty of job security is not helping. I'm being forced to apply for roles at work that I don't really want and I've started to feel worse with feelings of uselessness and hopelessness creeping in. I've recognised the majority of the way I feel is work related but I've always had a feeling of flatness anyway and a lack of goals or direction. I've spoken to friends and family but don't want to burden them too much and thought this website might be a good place to connect with others. Would appreciate any advice on how to manage this or pull myself out and get back into life again.  

[geoff]

dear Warren, I have just picked up your post as it seems to have by passed any of us who usually reply, which can easily happen when there are so many new posts that do can in, so this then pushes your comment over to the next page.

All the characteristics that you have mentioned are what does happen to anyone suffering from depression, and from what you have said there are a couple of items that are not helping you, which you already know, and they are your work and building a house.

Now that your financial situation is very important, as it is for everyone, are you qualified to apply for other work, I'm sure this has gone through your mind, but perhaps you may not have the confidence, and certainly if your depressed you won't be able to think clearly.

Can you go and visit an employment agency who will have more vacant jobs than what's in the paper.

I wonder whether this psychologist you are seeing is from a health insurance or whether it's the 10 free visits that you are entitled to.

I am only asking this because if you're not happy with this psychologist then it's time to change, because you're wasting your money (if this is the case ) and it's always best that you have to click with them, then it's much easier to talk to them.

If you are in any doubt about finding someone else then click under 'Get Support' where there will be a list of doctors who are aligned to BB and deal specifically with people suffering from some mental illness.

I would like to keep talking to you so I hope that you can reply. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Warren

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Your referral to your psychologist was through your gp, yes??   Often times it can take visits to a few psyches before we find a good match with one – not wanting to put you off here, but just wanting to let you know that it’s not uncommon to experience that your visits to a psyche can produce no real outcomes or benefits.  It’s not that your situation is ‘way off the charts’, I think it’s more of a human connection aspect AND that each psyche is different (just as we are).   My thought for this would be to see if there’s another psyche that you could be referred too – but when you feel ready to do this.

You’ve not mentioned about ‘immediate’ family, whether you have a partner and/or children?

Now, you write well and express yourself well AND you are in the middle of building a house, while holding down a job.  You mention the words of hobbies, interests and social outings.  I read this as meaning that you DO have items in the first two and for the last one, that you do have friends (plural).  Now when I add all of these things up, I see (or read about) a man who is neither useless or hopeless.  I see a man who has all of the above things going for him – which can be damn stressful at any time, but when we’re not feeling well mentally, it just exacerbates things big time.  And you my friend ARE suffering from depression and anxiety, so it is the depression and anxiety that are causing you to think of the uselessness and hopelessness, but realistically we’ve gotta push those feelings to the back of our mind and off the cliff in there, so they don’t come back to trouble us again.

Ok, so most of this is work related.  You’re applying for jobs that perhaps you don’t really want but that’s always an unknown as you just never know what a new area can bring?  Different challenges, different people, perhaps slightly different location – and remember that this is only a phase coming up;  and we go through so many different phases in our lives.  

Something I’ve always remembered from a long time ago in my work career.  There was a re-structure at work, people moving to different places, etc;   and an older bloke was going to sit in a not so nice spot and I mentioned this to him, his response was:  “It’s ok, nothing lasts forever”.

I would love to write more, but my character limit is near full, but would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Warren

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. As you can see from your first two responses, we have some great people here to talk to. We have all been through the depression wringer and have come out the other end. Battered and bruised maybe but still in there fighting, and winning. So please do not give up.

Now about your psychologist. Have you been with her for long? It can take time to get comfortable with each other and to find a way to work together. It also takes time for you to heal. I wish it were otherwise but sadly not. May I suggest you go back to your GP and have a chat about the psych. As the guys have pointed out, we are all different and we interact differently. Your psych may be brilliant with other people.

So have a chat with your GP and tell him/her about your concerns. I went to a psychiatrist for several years and he did little for me. My GP worked hard to get me to change psychs but I was so nervous I found it very difficult. The psych I now work with is fantastic.If your GP knows you reasonably well s/he should know the sort of psych who will suit you and can arrange a new referral.

As Neil said, your symptoms are classic depression. Been there, done that. Sadly they do take time to disperse, so if you have been on this road for a short time do not get despondent yet. You will get to the other side and with some amazing skills. Not that I recommend depression as a good learning process, but if it hits you then use it.

Sadly depression does not respect the people it inhabits. Your good looks and charm, financial ability, social standing, gender and age mean nothing. But you can teach the Black Dog to come to heel. Recognising the stressors in your life is a good starting point. As the guys have said, new home, restructure, applying for jobs. You only need to get married and/or start a family to have the complete set.

Without any further flippancy I want to say it really is great that you are reaching out here. So many people know from first hand experience how it all feels and what it does to you which is very different to your usual circle of family and friends. When my daughter had her first baby she demanded to know why I had not told her what is was like. So I asked her how she was going to explain to her daughter. Silence was all I got. Depression is difficult to explain to others who have not experienced the Black Dog. Often is considered "just being sad". Here everyone knows how you feel, well more or less.

Write in again.
Mary

[Warren2103]

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies and support it is appreciated. I applied for two available roles at work and was invited for interviews for both of which I find out on Thursday whether I was successful. I don't even want the roles or know what I want to do to be honest. FYI - I work for an insurance company. I've been thinking about how I've been feeling and I would have to say from a self diagnosis armchair perspective, it could stem from lack of direction in life. I'll be 40 next March so it could also be a mid life crisis, who knows. I've been seeing my psychologist since February 2015 and while she's nice and all I'm not sure she's actually helping me. I have another appointment on Tuesday night the 31st March so I'll see how I feel about it.  I'm single and gay (if that matters) and know that I don't need a partner in life to feel secure so it's not got anything to do with loneliness as I have wonderful friends and family that I love and appreciate. I just can't get rid of this constant feeling of worrying about my future and whether I'll ever be able to live a happy and content life. I'm so sick and tired of feeling flat and having this heavy weight around  my shoulders and finding it hard to get motivated or excited about anything. I don't believe that I've been performing well at work as a result and I'm sure it's beginning to show, I'm just waiting to be called into a meeting or something or maybe they'll get rid of me through the restructure. Today was not a good day and I felt so helpless that I locked myself in the cubicle at work and just cried. I know that sounds really pathetic coming from a grown man but I feel like there's no way out at the moment and that everything is going belly-up. I always try and be logical and rational and question whether I'm over reacting which just frustrates the hell out of me because I have no answers. It feels like a tug of war between anxiety and depression going on inside me and I just want it to go away so I can think clear and move in a positive direction. I know you don't have the answers either but it helps just write it all down and het it out. 

[JessF]

Hello Warren, I know what you mean about the 'mid life crisis' and it's sad that it gets joked about or written off as some sort of childish thing, because it is very real. When you think about it, in the first "half" of our lives we are completely socially conditioned and built up to be achieving things and going places.

It starts at school at university, each year a new phase of exams and achievements and stress and pressure that if you don't do well you don't amount to anything. And then when we get into the workforce, the next phase of the ladder climb starts.

When we get to middle age, it's almost like the old song about climbing up the mountain to see what can be seen, and finding that all we can see is the other side of the mountain. It's like someone has let all the air out of the balloon, because all our lives to that point we were expecting to get to a certain point where everything would be perfect and all our previous achievements and struggles would somehow add up to something.  But they don't.  They are just a series of events.

There's that John Lennon quote as well, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

I think that sums up the mid life crisis, we get so caught up in 'making other plans' or regretting the plans we've made that we lose focus on working out how to be satisfied in the here and now.

It's not uncommon at this age to want to do a complete career change. I have many friends who have done it, and not looked back. Perhaps your stress and tears at work are the perfect sign that you need something else?

[Warren2103]

Hi again,

I agree I need to get out of where I am but at the moment I don't even have the mental capacity to do that but I know I need to get my rear end into gear so I can make a positive change. I take back what I said about my psychologist as I think she's now starting to delve deeper than when I first went to her and hopefully she can get out of me what's causing these feelings of depression and discontentment. Tonight we established that I have a fear of failure and how that would look to other people, that I believe I'm not good enough or capable which in turn affects my confidence level's which in turn makes me feel unmotivated and stuck in a rut. Part of that related back to my upbringing but I have to add that I have wonderful parents which I love very much and I'm not blaming them for anything whatsoever. A friend of mine asked me a really good question on the phone tonight which seems like such a simple question I never even asked myself this before. I said to her that maybe I just need a less stressful job and could take a pay cut or something. She asked me if that would actually fix anything inside me and I couldn't answer her. So I think I just need to keep digging deeper with my Psychologist and see where it leads me. I'll keep updating you on my progress if you're interested. Thank you for reading and for your replies. 

[wagner]

Dear warren, I am in  a similar situation to yourself. My partner couldn't cope with my depression and has left me. Instead of building a house I am probably going to have to sell it so I have nowhere to live but I will have some money. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and this is a huge shock to me and my friends. My boss at work said she had no idea. It is even harder at work because I am a high school teacher. I went on an amazing trip to Europe last year and most of the time I felt  like I was going through the motions. What has really helped me is realising that I have a lot of friends who do care, plus I have two dogs which motivates you to get active. Try and get some physical exercise it helps me. Unfortunately I have the opposite problem to you in that I can't sleep for more than five hours. Last night I think my body gave up and I slept for 10 hours. I am going to see my league team play today so that I at least am getting out of the house. I am trying to change my thinking about things and that is the hardest part that and not dwelling on the past. We are lucky today because as my psych told me it takes strength to admit what is happening. I am 6ft and 90 plus kilos so the perception of me by other people is that I am tough and can handle anything. This is tougher than any physical injury I have had and that includes breaking limbs etc. Hope this helps

[White_Rose]

Dear Warren

So pleased you are 'bonding'  more with your psychologist. Congratulations! What was the outcome of your job applications? I'm not sure whether I should hope you were offered a job or not, except that it would be really good for your self-esteem to be offered at least one position.

In your earlier post you said you had locked yourself in your cubicle and cried. Highly embarrassing I know. I am much older than you and I started to cry at work one morning.  Trouble was, I was in an open office and everyone could see and hear me. Can you imagine? This was my introduction to depression and what a baptism of fire that was.

My point is that I empathise with your feeling that you are too old for this sort of behaviour. I still struggle with it. I've done many things in my life so why can I not cope with depression. The only answer I have found is that we are never too old. We are told we are never too old to do various other activities so I guess it's reasonable to apply that philosophy  to depression. But it really does stink.

That flat feeling you describe is an all too familiar feeling for all of us. In the depression forum, White Knight has started a thread called Radical Effort Might Help. He talks about forcing yourself to do things when you feel particularly down. He feels that it has helped him lately.  Perhaps you would like to join that conversation and see where it leads.  Whether or not you agree with him is beside the point. Just having the discussion can be beneficial as you need to think about your own attitude.

Just a thought.  Have you considered taking sick leave for a few weeks? I expect your GP would give you a medical certificate.  It can be a catch 22. My psych tried to insist I went on sick leave but the thought of staying at home all day on my own gave me the horrors. So we compromised and I worked four hours a day. Sometime I took several days off if the going was tough, but I needed to have something to do away from home. It really helped.

Great question from your friend. We do think that if we just did this or that our lives would be at least OK if not perfect. And of course it will not work if we cannot manage our day to day living. So have you heard or thought of Mindfulness or Meditation? Both excellent for being able to stay in the moment and teach our brains not to go straying off on flights of fancy. Good training for the Black Dog also to teach it to come to heel.

Mary

[July]

Hi Warren,

I can relate to your struggle, building a house and a job insecurity  are very stressful and I think when we have a few incidents on the go, it just tips you over the edge.Trying to figure out what is the best thing to do ,which way to handle things can be a dilemma, and when we are struggling with our own conscience , it can be a battlefield.

Even changing jobs is hard, we get comfortable and know what is expected of us and the anxiety of leaving that can throw us off, I am on "sick or stress" leave right now from my job and the thought of going back feels me with dread, but I know deep down I'm going to have to "bite the bullet " at some point, and go back if I can't find other work.

I find some people think you can just "snap" out of the feelings you described but you can't no matter how much "self talk" you do.

Do not be worried about crying at work, I am just happy you let those feelings out, do not bottle them up just because you are a "man", we all have the same feelings, you do not have to be the strong man and dismiss your emotions or what you are feeling in your heart.

Give yourself some time, don't feel you need to "fix" everything right now, we live in such a fast paced world everyone wants everything now, sometimes the answer is right "inside" us, and at the end of the day you only have to answer to "you".

This is a wonderful place to open up, as no one will judge, we are all in the same "life boat", take care.

July