Need to talk to people who are going through the same

[Jasmine92]

Hi All, 

This is my first time posting here. 

I’ve been dealing with depression on and off since the end of 2015. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since 2016, but recently stopped seeing her as our last few sessions I have not been talking much. 

Currently I am going through a depressive phase and this started since November of last year. 

I just turned 30 and I have been married for just over a year now. My husband and I started dating since 2017, he has experienced a fair share of my depressive episodes. Whilst he has been extremely patient, I do feel this time his patience is wearing thin and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I feel terrible and it is clearly affecting him quite negatively. 

Today we were meant to meet with my friends for dinner, but I decided not to go earlier this afternoon. I’ve bailed on social events quite a lot since November and my husband gets extremely frustrated when I do this - which I completely understand. 

I feel like a disappointment that I can’t even show up to hang out with friends.   I’m disappointing my friends, my husband also my family. 

I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I know a regular routine is required, but I’m paralysed by the thought of leaving this house or bumping into someone I know. I quit my job recently because it became too hard to just move and have an idea of what to do. It’s just all feeling hopeless right now and I can’t see a way out. 

I’ve managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist as it feels like the antidepressants I’m on are not helping. The last time I saw my psychologist she said that I might have bipolar. Terrified of the whole trial and error process of anti-depressants/mood stabilisers, but right now I feel like I need to try it since nothing else is changing. 

I just wanted to come on here and speak with people who have gone through something similar - it’s hard to speak with my husband about this as he tells me I just need to get on with it. I know he means well - and I don’t disagree with his statement - but I’m just struggling to make simple decisions and complete simple tasks like house chores. 

I feel like I’ve completely lost who I am..again. 

[therising]

Hi Jasmine

I feel so incredibly deeply for you as you try so hard to make your way through such a depressing time. Those who can relate to a number of the challenges depression presents can also relate to the impossibility of socialising at times, for a number of reasons.

Those who hold the ability to feel so deeply and so easily can suffer so much, in ways not a huge amount of people really understand. To feel a comment through heartbreak, to feel the expression on a person's face, to feel like you're being left alone to work things out etc etc are all such easy things to feel when you're a feeler and they can be such painful things.

The swings and cycles are tough to say the least. To be swung from hope to heartache when a partner says 'You just need to get on with things', as opposed to saying 'We're going to sit together and wonder about what's leading you to feel life the way you do', can be a deeply painful swing. To feel the swing from sadness to some mind altering revelation that leads you to better understand and accept yourself is a beautiful swing. To feel the cycle, like a clock, from joy (at 12), to emptiness or a sense of lacking (at 1/4 past), to deep depression (at half past), to some form of rage and/or revelation (at 1/4 to) and then back to joy at 12 can feel like a never ending cycle.

Took me years to figure out people lead me to swing and cycle and it's not my fault I can feel them do it. As a sensitive person, I can sense a lack of their sensitivity. Can also sense when my energy drops or shifts for one reason or another. I can sense or feel when my inner dialogue shifts from light to dark or dark to light. The thing is it's not always clear as to why it happens until it becomes clear.

From my own experience, I found the most uplifting people in life to be wonderful people, those who sit and wonder with me in a search for answers and the way forward when things feel dark. I've found it is not enough to be surrounded by people who simply wait for us to 'snap out of it'. Waiting serves no one.