Need Help!

[trying_to_assist_depresse]

my live-in boyfriend of over 3 years has been experiencing symptoms of depression for the past 9 months and whilst he has acknowledged that he more than likely has depression he is yet to do anything about it. he refuses to see a doctor or psychologist stating he will do it when he feels like it. most recently his reason is that he feels like he cant get better and maybe this is the way he is. he is self medicating with alcohol every sat night with his friends and I am at a loss as to help him anymore as he keeps pushing me away. i have tried to be optimistic and a supportive partner to him but it is effecting me constantly being pushed away from the one i love. he is highly iritable and says he dosnt know how he feels about me and isnt attracted to me with no physical activities occuring in over 10 months but he says he isnt attracted to anyone else either. he says he dosnt know why he feels this way and how to make it better. i am trying to be supportive to him and i only want him to feel better but i dont know how to help and am looking to know that this is a part of his depression or something else. i am also looking for looking for any ideas/suggestions on ways to cope and to not take it to heart so its not affecting me as negativly as it has been lately.

[geoff]

hello, depression is such an awful illness, that seems to take us to another world, oblivious of what it is doing to our spouse or partner, and although there maybe a faint inclination of how we feel to other people, it's certainly not a priority.

This is depression at it's best, and we do use ways of trying to numb this illness, and one of them is alcohol, and I am guilty of this myself.

I kept on pushing away from contacting a psych. and how long this was I can't remember, but my ex kept on asking me to do something about it, but I was in denial, I thought that I would get better by myself, but how wrong I was.

You can't overcome depression by yourself, and although some people believe that they have is questionable, because there are factors that lay deep within us, that either we don't want to pursue, or we don't realise that they are there, but contribute to our depression.

We aren't trained to find these, and if we do find them, how the hell do we cope with them, so we push them aside.

Personally speaking I had no desire for any sexual activity, and if my ex thought that if we did this it would change my mood and make me overcome this illness she was wrong.

It's a horrible existence both for the sufferer and the person living with them, and although people try to support this person at first there is no positive reaction, and the relationship may stay dormant for a short time or for a long time.

This is an illness that changes all our thoughts, we don't want to think about any positive changes, because we just don't have the capacity or the strength to do so. Geoff.

[Katie]

Hi,

My husband has had depression for nearly 10 yrs. With his depression he stops meds because he is feeling better, gets low again and then the negative thoughts and comments start to fly. He tells me he doesn't love me anymore, thinks I am causing his depression, over sensitive to everything I say and takes offence to most things said and is irritable. When back on medication he fine.

I have been married for 20yrs and my husband has just moved out. His depression is very severe this time even taking medication. There is no third party involved, he just wants to be by himself.

I have supported him and know that he needs to do this for himself but it is so hard to watch someone you love, push you away and say some hurtful things.

I hope we can sort things out but the main issue is ....communication, He hates the fact he has depression, hates the word depression and hates taking medications.

I have found that if you have someone that is independent of you two, someone he trusts family member/good friend  etc they may be better to assist him to seek help, if it comes from you, it will make things worse, (from my own experience).

Even though  my husband has said hurtful things, I really believe it is the 'depression' talking and I try and let it go. The first step is for your boyfriend to accept his has a problem and for most men that is a very hard thing to do.

The ones they love most, suffer the most!

wishing the best of luck

[Goodnewsplace]

Hi Mate,

Im a psychoanalyst and am married to a man who has had major depressive disorder all his life- manifesting itself in violence, self harm, substance abuse etc- it was periodic (almost could put a date to it each year) as time went on (years- these breaks in depression and anger got less and less until he ended up trying to commit suicide on many occasions- hospitalization for months on end- first step to helping himself is admitting he needs help- as for straight to psych- id work toward that; my first step would be to see a GP for some anti depressants- dont make u zombified as some people think and can help symptoms amazingly. Once feeling a little bit more like he can cope- then psych visits can be explored- cognitive behavioural therapy is a good treatment- (sounds terrible but basically is about changing the way you think about things) As for you- It sounds like you could use some counselling too- there is a huge risk that while you try to care you will end up becoming depressed yourself- everyone is entitled to 3 free visits through GP- find a good doctor and talk with them. 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Hi Goodnewsplace,

Sound advice but I am reminded of what Reagan said were the 3 most terrifying words in the word:  "I'm from the Government".    In other words "I'm a psychoanalyst" could be a bit depressing for some with bad experiences of counselling.  Just saying.   But great that you can give advice without charging !

Adios, David.

[Marley]

Well I'm glad to see someone with a title posting giving some advice, even if it is the usual advice.  What do you recommend if CBT is not working????

Wonder if they will come back to read this??

[geoff]

dear Marley, I had a look at this on the net if CBT is not helpful for you, actually I copied and pasted it.
Another possibility to consider, since you don't see a connection between thoughts and feelings, is alexithymia.
Alexithymia literally means a lack of words for feelings. Some symptoms or characteristics of alexithymia are:

- difficulty identifying different types of feelings
- difficulty distinguishing between emotional feelings and bodily feelings
- limited understanding of what caused the feelings
- difficulty verbalizing feelings
- limited imagination
- functional, constricted style of thinking
- physical complaints
- lack of enjoyment and pleasure-seeking
- stiffened posture and/or facial expressions.

Alexithymia has a strong involvement in mental illness and personality development - but it's not something to be afraid of. If you experience alexithymia, or know someone who does, there are ways to learn how to strengthen skills through psychotherapy. Geoff.

[Hayley]

Hi,

All you can do is to keep encouraging him to seek help. At the end of the day we ourselves have to be the one to do it. I can only imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it would be to see someone you care for feel this way and (for there own reason) not want to see a doctor. Make sure in all of this you are looking after yourself as you have needs and wants in this relationship as well. It's hard you don't want to loose him I understand that. Hope things get better for the both of you and your partner can make it to the doctor it's only then you will both know what you are dealing with. Best of luck with everything.