My relationship is over because of my depression.

[Louie123]

I (female) think I’ve been depressed for months if not years now. I slowly pushed my kind, caring, loving supportive partner away.

I am due to get help, my appointment is a few weeks away. But I felt like I was a burden, and he’d be better off without me. I struggled to connect with him, or anyone else. Because of COVID, I became a recluse. I withdrew from everyone, and everything. I blamed it on Covid but it was really me, wanting to hide away from everyone else.

We stopped seeing each other as frequently, and our sex life fizzled. I’d get no joy out of anything, even the nice things he did for me.

it’s only been 24 hours, but it feels like 24 years and I’m lost without him. We have a great connection, and when I wasn’t as depressed, we had the best times ever.

Is it a selfish thing to ask him to hold on, and allow me to heal from my past. In hopes our spark comes back, and we can be the same couple we once were? In my heart I don’t think he wanted this to end.

I don’t have a social life, and don’t have a friend close enough to vent too. He’s the person I turn too, and now I can’t.

Id love some honest advice from someone who has been through this before and can help me.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Louie123,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

I am sorry your struggling with depression...and what your going through..

Louie, Thank you for making your post..I understand how hard that is to do, and you are very brave for doing so...I am please that you have organised some professional care for your mental health..

You sound very sad about breaking it off with your partner.. and you think that your partner doesn’t want this separation either..

He sounds like he is a very caring person...Louie..instead of asking him to hold on..I’m wondering if you and him and could sit down together and talk about how your depression is making you feel and think...maybe he is unaware of how deeply your depression is effective you..he might want to be a part of your healing journey..if you want him to be..Having someone that you trust and talk to as well as it sounds like both care for each other it can be a huge help in your recovery

Talk here anytime Dear Louie..when you feel up to it..

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[Truc]

Hi Louie123,

I was depressed before, not just so but quite highly depressed I would say, with depression, it is hard for me to control myself in term of anxiety and anger, I also put my partner away multiple times, then I realized that keeping or hiding something away from people whom we love is not a good idea I suppose, actually people whom we love and also if they love us back, they are quite understanding, sharing is caring as a cliche, however, it is a good cliche to me, and also, you are female, I think you can even open up more easier than as a man like me, just open up and together to tackle the problem, maybe not just with your partner but with your family as well. we tend to hide and deal with things alone but sometimes I think we do not know that there are people maybe in our family or our friends who had experienced similarly before, so why not to open up and share in my opinion. about being anti-social or I mean try not to interact with people does depend on many factors not just depression, it could be your personality as well, as I am an introvert, I agree that I do need to interact with people but maybe less comparing to an outgoing person or an extrovert, do you think so ? so the best way is to know our threshold or balance about when to interact and when we need time alone to recharge, life is not always easy, therefore we need friends, family, relatives,...etc sometimes taking an initiative is hard, but if we do not take the hard part first how can we get to the easy part, do you think so with me ? I hope it is helpful

[Croix]

Dear Louie123~

It is just about impossible to separate one's own genuine thoughts from those skillfully planted by depression

At the same time depression fills the mind so full with these thoughts there seem to be no room to interact with anyone else.

You lose yourself and no longer know who you are. For me it was like being on one side of a glass window watching me, but not knowing why I did what I did, or what I was like. I had no idea if I loved anyone, or was even capable of love.

The thoughts implanted were all about my failings and faults, and as they were down to me there was no possibility of escape. At the same time all the good things in life were no longer remembered.

So I treated my wife badly, no physically but by anger and not accepting her trying to be close or show concern. No intimacy, a desire to be alone, a conviction nobody could understand and at the same time no hope.

Somewhere inside I knew I was treating her badly but that normally made no difference. I did suggest she leave as I was simply dragging her down with me.

She stayed. Her mum gave her support, an essential.

Looking back now her constancy and determination helped a lot -though I did not realise it at the time. Not what she did, just the knowledge she was there for me no matter what.

Having my symptoms explained to her by my psych stopped her feeling it was her fault and what to expect. She could understand that if my mind was completely full of desperate thoughts there was no room left to deal with any one at that time -just extra pressure - and that my anger or dismissive behavior was the sign .

Being alone -although it seems instinctively the thing to do, -is the opposite of good. I kept on going down and feeling ever more isolated and hopeless until I received competent medical treatment, then slowly things started to improve.

I have a happy marriage, and engage in work that gives me satisfaction. I was a mess, suicidal in fact, and if I can be brought to a better place so can you.

If your husband loves you accept that, do not throw it away, it is gold.

Please come back and talk some more

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Truc~

Please read the post I've just sent to Louie123. As another male I'm wondering if at least parts of what I've said sound familiar.

The most important message I can give you is that I was invalided out of my occupation, was suicidal, had PTSD, depression and anxiety. A total mess and told I'd never work again. Sit at home and take pills was my future.

I improved, and now lead a life I would not have thought possible and do not wish it to change or end. In fact if promised that was possible then at that time I would have casually dismissed it all as unrealistic do-gooder waffle -It's not, it's been my life

Part of that improvement came from opening up, very hard to do.

Croix.

[Louie123]

Morning Grandy,

Your message brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for taking the time to write to me, I really appreciate it.

You are right, I am very sad about it. Miserable in fact. I am sad about a lot of things, my job is terrible and degrading, and my social life is non existent. I moved to Australia 5 years ago, and I still haven’t made any solid friends, which hurts a lot because by nature I am a very social person.

My now ex partner is on medication for his mental health, and has been doing really well for himself the last year. He got a new job which I can see brings him a lot of confidence.

When we decided to split, he was sad. It killed me, but again I thought it was better for him to not have to deal with me after he’d been doing so well for himself. I don’t want to bring him down with me.

He said he would reach out to me in a few days to touch base, but reassured me he’d always be here for me and would always support me no matter what form our relationship was in. I’m still waiting to hear from him.

I miss him dearly, but don’t want to put him through hell. We’re both so young.

Thank you again Grandy