My Invisible Torture

[GutterStars]

After making public my battle with depression via my Facebook account, I seemed to connect with many other people who are struggling with varying versions of mental illness, all of whom I had no idea were doing so privately. That effort to write down all of my darkest and deepest thoughts from the past 6 years was in one turn liberating, but also terrifying and very nearly caused insomnia for a few nights. Family have encouraged me to join up to the forums on here and share my thoughts and story, so that I can further investigate this illness, and how it is affecting other people (especially those about my age, 24)

I have been married for just over a year now, and my wife and I are very much struggling to maintain a healthy and working marriage, very much due to my illness and it's effects on my personality and actions. Depression is not an excuse though, I do take full responsibility for everything I so and do, and more importantly when I feel down, all the things I do not do or say. My method of coping when depression sets in, is to retreat inside myself and clam up, not talking, not getting out of bed and ruining any headway I had made against anxiety and depression. Not knowing what to say or exactly how I feel is the main cause of this method, however it frustrates my wife immensely and debilitates anyone from being able to properly help me, because no one knows what's going on inside my head.

So instead I contemplate methods of removing myself from the

torture of constant feelings of failure, disappointment toward those I care about, and seeing my wife break down in tears, and know it's all my fault. I have made several attempts at taking my own life and came close to succeeding and recently have had to stay with my parents so that I have very little time on my own, making it a lot more difficult to get in that state of mind again.

I have a whole story behind all of this, but this is where I am at right now, and help is still a long way off. No one on the outside will every fully understand, and knowing that, to me, is proper

torture.

~GutterStars
 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive cmments from the cmmunity are encouragaed. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi GutterStars,

Welcome to the forums, I'm glad your family made the suggestion. You certainly will find others who can relate to your story and vice versa. I have to admit, at 34, I'm a little older than you, but I've battled with mental illness since I was 15.

I want to start with the suicide attempts, because these need to be a priority. I know that Beyondblue moderators have already suggested you make contact with them, there is never a problem for them too great or small. If you are feeling like you're not safe without 24/7 care then a hospital admission could be worthwhile. A GP or Psychiatrist can arrange this. Or you can just go straight to your local emergency department.

You mention that help is still a long way off? Have you been to your GP? There is a list of GP's on BB's website who specialise in mental health if you would prefer. Are you seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist? Are you taking any medication at the moment. Trust me there are people on the outside that will understand. Many Mental Health Professionals get into their field because they have had exposure to mental illness in the past. Don't deny yourself the help you deserve.

I'd also suggest having your wife join you for a couple of sessions with a therapist, just so that she can get some support too. It may even be worthwhile seeking some marriage counselling. Your marriage is still very new, and despite the mental illness it's only natural that the two of you would still be finding your feet. Let your wife in, being vulnerable can only make your relationship stronger. I learnt this the long and hard way. I shut myself off from everyone for too many years.

You are a fighter, you're not a failure. You are still hanging in there despite how debilitating this illness can sometimes be. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your family to make sure that you get adequate support.

I hope that we will hear more from you. I've asked a lot of questions so I'll await your reply before I say too much more. Don't forget there's always someone here, and most of us have been through or are going through similar situations to yours.

AGrace

[gmc]

Dear GutterStars,

I am very sorry to read about your self harm... I hope you are feeling better, that you found your faith in life. You know, I think you already realized the priceless one moment is that exact moment you started digging about this illness called depression. Because IT IS an illness, it's not you. You may find it a definition and being here as part of a community, which is great as a support, but depression is an illness and it has to be treated, and it's you who's going to control it. Just look at the wonderful people here that learn how to do it! I talked to some of them and they though me more than ever about how can I live with it and step forward.

It's so great you have family support, you are so lucky! I also recommend you a book on your way to finding out more about depression, it's called Noonday Demon, by Andrew Solomon. I very much recommend it to give it to your family, they would have to know more about this illness too and this is a very good start to get even closer to them.

But being in bed is a reaction, a symptom of your illness, maybe you would have to try and explain to your family what it is, and not feel guilty anymore about it...

Please keep posting. I would very much like to hear more about yourself, that you'll start feeling better. Have you seen any specialists in mental illness so far? 

Kind regards,

gmc

[HelenM]

Hi Gutter Stars,

It sounds like you're going through a really bad time. You haven't said that you have been to see a GP or counsellor. If you haven't I would say that is where your starting point should be. Depression/anxiety is a difficult illness to fight with all the available help. Without help I would say that it borders on the impossible.

Coming on this site is a big step and you will find that many problems you experience are similar to others on here. Not getting out of bed is a common way to behave when we're ill. My husband used to leave me till lunch time then tell me I had to get up. I would shower and dress and then go to the settee. Not a huge difference but if you could do this it might help your wife a bit even if you still don't talk.

By getting medical help you will at least begin to work on recovery and get help in planning your way forward. I think that until you do this going to bed will feel like the only option.

Take care, Helen

[White_Rose]

My Dear Star. A much better name, hope it's OK

Welcome to Beyond Blue. However you got here I am pleased you have done so. We can all relate to your pain and suffering. One thing that can help is the knowledge that we are not alone in this depression. All those symptoms you describe are experienced by people here.

The urge to take your life can be very strong. I know having been there. It's true you will no longer feel anything and that includes all the good things that will happen in your future if you can hang on to find out.

You make no mention of receiving professional mental health care. Do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist? If not then I urge you to see your GP and get a referral to one or the other. As your wife is also feeling the strain, and it is very hard on the spouse, then I suggest she also sees her GP and gets some counselling assistance.

Again I do not know how much information you and your wife have about mental illnesses. Under the tabs at the top of the page you can access a huge amount of information about this. Some of this is specifically for family and friends. BB will send it to you free of charge.

Well, that's all the practical stuff. You are right about depression and it's effects on us. Horrible! And the desire to hide when the feelings get overwhelming are almost irresistible. Facebook is a mixed blessing. May I suggest you confine you innermost feelings to BB? FB has the ability to spread your words to the world and in places you would prefer not to be. By all means accept your depression and be open. It helps others, as you have discovered, to feel more comfortable and take steps towards recovery.

It's good that you continue to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. It seems though, that you swing from one extreme to another. Either doggedly keeping yourself in check or retreating altogether. It's a common trap.

Can I suggest that you allow yourself to fail a little now and then to release the pressure of being perfect? Then you may not need to run off and hide when everything blows up. Even without depression we are not perfect beings. We fall down and pick ourselves up again and again. Why should it be different with depression?

The reality is there is no difference. It's just our brains playing tricks with us, magnifying all our (human) faults and telling us how worthless we are. If you feel tired and a bit cranky, then allow yourself to be so. It's not the end of the world.

Out of words. Write back soon.

LING

[jaspergirl]

Hey Gutterstars,

Thankyou for being so brave to share your story. I understand and realise how difficult this is for you. I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. I know how dark and lonely life can be. In saying that though, i also understand how difficult it can be to have someone you love, see you battle your way through life. 

I have been suffered from my mental illness since i was 17. I am now 33. in those years there were times when my demons became so damaging to my health. i have been in realtionships that at the time i thought was what was best for me, but looking back i think i can safely say i would have been better on my own. I have also had a 5 year relationship with someone who also had a mental illness and those years would have been better spent with someone else. Do i regret that relationship? No. If it werent for that time, i wouldnt have known how it was to be the well one. There were so many times when i saw my partner go through his own psychosis and to be honest, my own mental health suffered because of this. But to be on the other side of the mania or depression, it was heartbreaking. 

It gave me an inside view of what i put my loved ones through when i was unwell. It is so heartbreaking to see someone you love, trying to battle their way out of depression, anxiety and all mental illnesses. I can only suggest to you that you try and get out of bed each morning and be thankful for that. I know life can really suck at times. I understand that living with your parents again can be hard. Allow yourself to get through this. Allow time for your relationship with your wife to heal. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but i can honestly say, that i hope your life will be better for you in the future. 

Open the lines of communication. Your wife and your parents truly love you and want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy and with small steps, you will be on your way. I hope your tomorrows will be filled with sunshine!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

[GutterStars]

In reply to all of the people who have asked, I have spoken with my GP about my feelings and situation in it's entirety including the self harm, and I am on my second type of medication, as the first type didn't seem to have a long term effect, just an initial placebo.

About 3 months ago I was admitted to the emergency department due to quite a severe episode of my wife and I no longer being able to cope, and me not being safe on my own. I have since been assigned a mental health team, and they have supplied a 24hr help line for me to call, and during day hours a number my wife or I can call for assistance to either just talk, or get help whenever we need it.

As far as the comment for help being a long way off, I do have an appointment with a brand new psychologist, however I am aware that the benefits of that kind of treatment can take a few weeks to set in or show themselves, as I have seen both a psychiatrist and psychologist before for 10+ sessions each. I ended the treatment with them as I found both to eventually fall short on their plans and efforts even after raising that issue with them.

Personally, another issue with the treatment I was getting was that I was not entirely open with them about my situation, as for years I had been faking passing out to seek out medical treatment. Initially it was my defense mechanism to not really understanding why I felt so ill and wrong inside, but later on I became more suspicious about mental illness being the true cause of the feelings, but by then it was too late. My family and I had spent a lot of time and money trying to investigate the cause of the 'black outs', all the while I knew inside that the real issue was much deeper. However that also made coming forward with the real issue so much harder for me, so for years I suppressed the truth and continued faking the episodes when things got too much for me to handle.

I used this mechanism for years and it became my crutch for many of life's issues, but eventually the deceit and secret life caught up with me. I sunk further and further into depression and my mind state got steadily worse. So that when I got married, a few months after the wedding, I crashed mentally as I had finally found a safe place for myself to let go and break down in.
That's some of the story, and there is help coming, it's just quite hard to see through to that place ahead in time. Thank you for all of your replies so far, they've been excellent!

~Gutterstars

[geoff]

dear Star, thanks for joining the site.

It's great that many other people have responded to you, because it concerns us on how you are feeling.

Being married for a year you are just finding your feet, and settling down into living with someone permanently.

There are many people who we know that are suffering from depression but in most cases they too hide it so your post on facebook has opened the door to associate with other people, but just be careful of posting on facebook, because it can lead to other problems.

We can take full responsibility for being depressed but really that's not really fair on you, because you never asked for it nor did you put your hand up, because no one ever knows if and when we get this illness.

I understand that your depression might be new for your wife to experience, so when you tried to take your life she would be terribly upset and not know what to do or how to handle the situation.

I would like you to click on 'resources' at the top of the page and order the printed material from BB, it's all free but it will help both you and your wife understand everything about depression.

It's not too strong in that it won't scare your wife but the information is very good.

You say that ' No one on the outside will every fully understand', well that's true but the people on this site have to hell and back several times, so we do understand what you are going through, and you also say that there is much more that want to say, so we hope that you will trust us and come back to us. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Star

How are you going? Heard nothing from you for a little so I thought I would check up. I hope all is, relatively, well?

LING