My history with depression (positive ending)

[Trans22]

I'm currently 53yo and have spent far too much time in a state of severe depression (self diagnosed).  I call it severe depression because there are relatively few days in my life after puberty, that I didn't contemplate suicide or wish for death to pay me a visit.  The deeper a person goes into depression, the harder it becomes to think about a reason to continue existing.  I never went through with a suicide attempt, mostly because of fear of failure (for me) but my psychologist tells me that my family life and my religion may have been more important factors.  I now realize that I did engage in self harm occasionally, and I admit to frequently invited death to join me with actions I took.  I only sought medical help once - was prescribed anti-depressants that didn't help because they were only treating the symptom.  My story changed to a happy one when I discovered the reason for my almost 40 years of confusion and suffering - I was born with a female mind and a male body.  I embraced this and said goodbye to my long term companion, depression.

One of the most therapeutic things I've started doing since my discovery is writing a diary/journal.  I try to focus mostly on the positive and affirming moments and have done pretty well in this regard.  I have reread my diary/journal twice, when I've felt a little down, and it reminds my of how beautiful my life is now and I'm quickly back into loving myself and my life mode.  I wish I had thought to start a happy journal like this when I was 12 - I'm sure it would have helped.

I will provide one final recommendation, avoid spending too much time trying to understand your problem and seek professional help.  I fell into the trap of merging other people's stories into my own and this is why I have had short periods of feeling down after accept that I was transgender.  My gender psychologist brought this to my attention and suggested that I should spend my time living my life and focus on how wonderful my transition has been.

[Trans22]

I am providing my thoughts/tips in the hope that they might help others.  The biggest mistake I made was thinking that I was coping - I wish that I had sought, and been able to afford, professional help much earlier in my life.  I have started on a road to turning my still open wound into a scar that I can live with (paraphrasing my psychologist), although I would use plurals (I picture my healed mind having numerous scars).   I urge anyone reading this who's reading this and relates to any part of my story to seek help, if you haven't already.

When seeking professional don't be afraid to search for someone you "click" with.  Also, don't be afraid to change - I've been lucky and have "clicked" with both my psychologists but am really glad that I decided to change.

[Bob_22]

Hi Trans22,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your beautiful post. Your story is so inspiring and your message is so uplifting I am at a loss for words (which rarely happens). I have recently been going through a tough time and it is posts like yours that keep me going. I wish I had a way to upvote and promote this to the front pages of the forums. Although I also wish you were able to start your journey of self discovery a bit younger, you are a testament to the notion that it is never too late to seek help and turn your life around. 

Please continue to share any advice or tips that you're comfortable sharing. But also remember to seek out help here as well. There are many empathic members on these forums and we are proud of the community of mutual support they have built. One you are now part of. 💙

Thanks for making my day

Bob

[Trans22]

Thank you Bob_22.  Sharing little tidbits of my story is also therapeutic for me.   I have another beautiful story that someone told me.  My words may not do the original story justice, but it's a story that's very relevant to me and, probably, many/most other people here.

As a young girl, Abigail, always dreamed that someone would eventually come to comfort and heal her.  Later in her adult life she realized that the person in her dreams was her adult self.

[sbella02]

Trans22,

What an incredible post, thank you so much for sharing. Your words gave me goosebumps. I'm so happy for you that you've embraced the identity that makes you feel most at peace, and that you're able to share such beautiful pearls of wisdom with us too.

Journalling is one of my favourite reflective techniques, I love it. It's so diverse, and so incredibly useful for bringing unconscious thoughts and feelings to the surface that we may have not even known were there.

I also love your advice about finding somebody you click with, in terms of seeking professional help. You're right, it's so important to have a solid, understanding, and supportive practitioner-client relationships, it can be quite a strong predictor of positive outcomes. 

Please don't hesitate to reach out again if you have any more brilliant advice or tips to share, or even if you're feeling like you need some verbal support or advice yourself. Take care!

SB