My first forum post

[Nivlac]

This is my first post on here. My story is that I'm 27, hold a good steady job and earning quite good money and "appear" to be in quite good physical shape and I smile to most people I meet. My colleagues and anyone that meets me would probably say I do quite well for myself and would probably say I'm a "nice guy".

NO FRIENDS 

However, that's where people are wrong. Since moving to Melbourne in 2006 for uni I have struggled to maintain old friendships and have never really developed any close friendships. I've always been depressed over this. I put on a fake front that I'm doing OK, when I have no one in my life who I can truly call my friend.

HEALTH ISSUES + NO SUPPORT = DEPRESSION

I injured my knee 18 months ago in 2013. I couldn't walk and was house-bound for 3 months. This included knee reconstructive surgery, which failed 4 months later. I had another surgery in 2014 and have worked really hard to be able to walk and even stand up and sit down. I will have another surgery again next month. I had my former best friend from high school say to me last year he had "no sympathy" for me when I caught up with him in Sydney (we don't see each other that often). Those words hurt really bad and I've since lost my friendship with him and pretty much everyone I know! I spend every night alone and I have no friends or family in Melbourne to help me. I messaged my closest friend from uni I am having my third surgery next month and all she replied was "Sorry to hear. Good Luck". I truly have no one. I take care and look after myself, even though I struggle with a permanent limp, permanent pain (physically and emotionally).A thought that runs through my head is "If I ended it all tomorrow, how many people will turn up to my funeral?" I would hope my Mum and Dad who live 3 hours away and my sister who lives in London would attend. I'm not close to anyone else.

TRYING TO MEET NEW PEOPLE

I've unsuccessfully tried to meet new people, through music (I play piano, guitar and do some songwriting), but this hasn't worked out.  I've tried playing sports, but I can no longer do this due to my bad leg. I can also no longer play my favourite sport "tennis" and will probably never run again (I haven't run since the day I

injured my knee).

NEXT STEPS

Not really sure what to do next. I will have my surgery again and will rehabilitate on my own without any help from anyone (with the exception of my physiotherapist which is a massive expense).

 

[Zeal]

Hi Nivlac,

Welcome to the Beyondblue forum 🙂

I am an almost 22 year old female, and I'm studying second year psychology this year. I used to find making friends hard, but luckily I have a good network (though not large) of friends now. Luckily, there are plenty of people out there to befriend. The slightly harder part is actually becoming close enough to them to call them a close friend, or sometimes just a friend!

It's good to hear that you are known as a nice guy and have a steady job which provides for you well. It may sound negative, but there are a few things which make people not want to befriend someone. You might not have a problem with any of these, but l'll just say what I know to be true in many cases. Firstly, negativity is a turn-off for many people, as it can put them in a bad mood too. Negativity is especially unhelpful socially when it is repetitive or attention-seeking. Second, it's important to show genuine interest in the lives of friends, or of potential friends. You could ask them about their work or study, about good holidays they've been on, their family, what music and movies they're into, and so on. I'm sorry if this sounds belittlingly obvious - you'd be surprised how many people neglect to do these things. Third, be a good listener. Some people (especially those who are outgoing) love having someone to listen to their stories, ideas, dreams etc, so being a good listener can really help a friendship.

I'm sorry to hear about your knee/leg injury. I can see how being cooped up inside and being greatly restricted physically would be hard. I really hope your next surgery goes well, and that rehab is successful.

Seeing your doctor about your feelings of depression is a good idea. They can refer you to a psychologist or counsellor. As you say you don't have many people you can talk to, seeing someone will be important for your recovery. Poor mental health can affect you physically as well, so working through your internal concerns will probably also help with the rehab process.

It's great you play music. Keep doing that, as it's a great skill, pleasure, and outlet.

Good luck with everything,

SM

[white knight]

Hi Nivlac, welcome also here

SM had some good points there.

I have felt the same except I've always had a number fo "friends around me then I lose them, often because I have foot in mouth and offend them, regardless of any apology, people remember and dont often forgive.

I have an aquaintance and we are in the same car club. He acts like he thinks all the women love him, has that special ability to blend in, respond instantly to situations and he thinks he's pretty cool. He has 700 Facebook friends. On closer inspection, 400 of these friends are overseas and he hasnt and likely never will meet them. If he passed away tomorrow he'd be lucky to have 50 of them attend his funeral and how many of them really knew him?

So there is a positive here, a tepid one though. You could join the line dancing club and if you are like me, you'll get mystified by the permanent smiles. Or like my car club you'll also be amused by the "I'll watch your back" statements from those that dont know you at all.

It's all a game. People play emotional games and its hard to keep up with it. So what do you do? If you have an interest then you could join such a club. But I'd advise you to stay on the fringes of the inner circle. Those with mental illness - once their issues are known, are not readily accepted and the focus shift on you more often. I dont know why they feel threatened but they do.

Nevertheless try to seek out those with the same interests and then narrow it down to temperament, character and so on.

Other things that might help with this situation- go on a cruise they even have short cruises eg Melbourne to Adelaide, a bus tour or a bushwalking club. Expand your horizons. And do it, dont just consider it. If it doesnt work, no big issues is it?

Finally, it isnt always you fault. Fault feeling build and cause guilt and all sorts of feelings that isnt good for you. We cant all have the abilities to be part of a crowd.

 Tony   WK

[Pergatory]

You are special.  That's something I say and really mean of everyone - we are all special.

We all have something to contribute to this world.

Its just that when we are low, we forget that.

When I am low, and as a result totally physically and mentally drained of all energy, which in your case is exacerbated by your injury, I go someplace where there are people and just listen.  I love train rides and every now and then there is someone next to you - not on their mobile or I-pad for a change, who just wants to talk - which means they are looking for someone to listen.

 And when they thank you, for that split second you really feel a bit better....

I have 4 friends, 2 of whom will move interstate soon.  The 2 remaining who I work with will no doubt also move on.......

What then??? Loneliness is only a state of mind...

You have some creative outlets - lucky you - truly... Expand on this - turn music into sculptures, sculptures into poetry....

Let people into your life....

My desk at work is an expression of myself - where people come past and say "oh, you have such a lovely desk... did you make those???"

 Yes I am on medication, and, for me, I treat is just like diabetes Type 1...  I am deficient in some chemical and need it topped up artificially for the rest of my life on a daily basis. 

It is a small price to pay to feel better about myself first, and then about others..............

[Nivlac]

Hi all!

 I'm genuinely touched that you've taken the time out of your day to respond and offer words of advice.

None of my family or colleagues know this, but I started seeing a Psychiatrist last during one of my lowest points. I'd like to see him more often, but he's booked out. Having said that, I don't know if he's actually helped me at all. He only listens and doesn't really offer any of his thoughts....

@SM - thank you for your words of encouragement. At 22, I think you'll do great things. I guess you could say I'm always genuine, except for my smile (which is not because I don't always feel like smile - but i do it anyway)...

 @White knight - great points. Once I've recovered (will take about 8-12 months before I can walk properly again), I'll try again...

 @Pergatory I can truly relate to your comment "When I am low, and as a result totally physically and mentally drained of all energy". I have felt this like never before in the last 1-2 years. Thank you for your response.

I didn't know what to expect when I posted here, but I do feel better that you have replied. thank you again!