My experience - I hope it gives to others

[Anh_Ha]

For the longest time my young heart and mind were steeped in despair. At an age where other children were beginning to learn about human nature I had already tainted myself with the numbing belief that the world had very little to offer. Living appeared to me a futile struggle of the narcissistic compulsions of the individual and the forces of social oppression that smothered any humanity. As childhood morphed into adolescence this misguided and naive conviction was only compounded by the ruthlessness of teenage years. Imagine then my young-self being thrusted into the modern workforce - the sad struggle for the illusionary security that money offered and the disconnection of one's consciouness in the workplace was horrifying. I felt alone, withdrawn, isolated - suffocating from an imagined weight so oppressive it mocked anything reality itself could conjure. I genuinely believed myself to be unlovable - my experiences had rendered me almost catatonic - I felt so physically and internally ugly that no one could possibly ever love someone so broken.

Slowly, but surely, people and humanity proved me wrong. Bit by bit it began to dawn on me that not only did beauty exist in this world - it existed in an almost infinite abundance. I discovered real friendships, I luxuriated in the intimacy of being in love and I finally learnt to appreciate the true power of resilience and generosity that was my mother and father's love.

Now, almost everything I see, almost everyone I meet, almost every human interaction I witness is seeped with unimaginable beauty. The empathy and instinctive understanding of the human soul and mind that had caused me so much pain before has now enabled me to experience a crescendo of joy in simply existing.

A friend once said to me that "while you're very perceptive of people's flaws you somehow naturally define them by their strengths". I've pondered why and I believe this reflection answers it. In my mind no one is more critically flawed than myself - so my empathy has allowed me to forgive myself and all others. It's probably the most powerful tool of survival that I have ever possessed.

For all those in despair and feel that light is simply a figment of one's utter desperation I say again - there is immense beauty in our existence.

[Dorian_Gray]

Thank you for the clarification, I interpreted your statement “Slowly, but surely, people and humanity proved me wrong” as implying your experience was predominantly instigated by external factors, I now understand your openness was instrumental in ensuring these events had a positive effect. I often hear being open to new friendships/ ways of looking at things is helpful, yet struggle to work out what that means in practical terms.

Anyway I find the interaction between external events and internal states and how they can emphasises or negate each other (e.g. a good mood spoilt by a bad external event or vice versa), very interesting, and what can be an opportunity for one person to escape their depression can send another further into it.

It is interesting you note the incremental nature of such a change, unfortunately the time it takes offers space for back sliding events to occur, I think a critical threshold of consecutive positive steps is needed without interruption to get out.

Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy the beauty you have found and it doesn’t lose its lustre.

[Anh_Ha]

Dorian, firstly I love the way your mind deconstructs language. Secondly, I thank you for your kind words.

Practical terms? Opening your eyes when you see a stranger offer to pay for a meal when someone's credit card bounces, storing away the beauty you witness in your memory when you see the affection of a mother to her child etc... Suppressing the pessimism and paranoia when someone affords you an act of kindness - it is more often than not genuine.

I have had many, many false dawns - but it, as cliched as this may sound, feels different this time. I think it is actually the progressive small steps that collective add up to real contentment - the journey. I will let you know if the lustre diminishes :).