My 14 y/o son need help breaking up with suicidal bpd girlfriend

[Bubbles222]

Hi,

My 14 year old son has been dating a young girl with BPD for a couple months & the poor kid has gone through so much stress & worry over this girl it’s making him sick.

He wants to end the relationship but she is threatening self-harm & suicide if he leaves her. His scared of breaking up with her, because he doesn’t want her to do anything to hurt herself but he knows it’s not a healthy relationship to be in even after a couple months.

Please I need help, I don’t know how to advise him & I’m scared for him, for how he will be left emotionally if she does hurt herself. I’ve told him her actions are her own, that he is not responsible for the things she does but the poor boy is so worried & scared.

Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bubbles,

Welcome to our forums and thank you for sharing your situation. It sounds very difficult for you and your son to be going through this. We can imagine your distress and pain over seeing your son deal with a suicidal girlfriend. We are glad you reached out here and we're sure some lovely community members will jump in with their advise and wisdom.

Is your son seeing a counselor or can he talk to a counselor? We'd encourage him to contact Kids Helpline anytime at 1800 55 1800 to chat to a trained, caring counselor. It would be a great idea for him to also connect with a counselor offline. He's going through a distressing time at a tender age and would really benefit from talking to a professional who can help him process what he's experiencing and help him navigate this tricky situation.

Given how much stress you're experiencing, we'd also encourage you to contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or if you want support finding mental health, you can contact Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please also keep checking in here, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Bubbles, can I join Sophie and offer a warm welcome to the site.

The concern not only for yourself but also for your son must be tremendous at such a young age so we can understand the worry from both of you and is of great concern but what needs to happen first of all is to get her to accept that there is something that definitely needs attention, and this can happen by both your son and her to contact Kids Helpline, who will be able to discuss these issues through with both of them and empathise that she needs to see the doctor, with her parents knowing or she can see one by herself.

Doing this may be the start for him to be able to end the relationship, rather than doing it straight away in fear of what she may do with the threats she's made.

The worry your son must have after seeing her that he brings home with him is of great concern, as you're not sure whether or not the fine details have been related back to you or whether he is bottling them up, may or may not be obvious, but ask him if he wants to see the doctor either with you present or by himself and if this is allowed even if he talks to Kids Helpline.

Your son can not be responsible for what happens but this is what needs to be shown to him.

Perhaps let's take another example, if your son makes her a cup of milo that's too hot and she leaves it until it's cold, is that his fault, certainly not, it's totally her decision and no one can possibly be blamed, even though he keeps telling her to drink it while it's hot.

If your son is worried now then we will try and convince him that she's the one that needs the help and it's certainly something that will make him mature quicker.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Bubbles222

Your son is so incredibly lucky to have a parent/guide like you. The fact that he senses the freedom in coming to you for guidance says a lot about the both of you. I imagine it would not have been altogether easy for him to do this.

I can't help but wonder whether the girl's parents are fully aware of how she's not managing her mental health. Do they imagine she's okay, when in fact she's not? This one's a hard call for you. While it could be suggested a chat with her parents (her guides in life) would be warranted, it may be hard to know if they are perhaps the leading cause of her mental health challenges. In other words, could talking to them make her mental health worse, based on how they respond?

With you having more life experience than your son, do you feel you'd be able to gain a sense of how she's feeling? Might involve some seriously subtle interrogation when it comes to putting her on the right path. Could go something a little like saying to her

'Hi, how are you?'

'Aw, yeah, okay'

'You're not convincing me. Having a bit of a challenging day?'

'Yeah, a little'

'I get that. I have those kind of days myself. I find it helps to vent a little. If there's anyone you can vent or talk to, such as your mum?'

'No, my mum never listens to me'

So, straight away you know that when it comes to her mum, she feels unheard.

You could say 'I know how it feels when no one hears you. Have you ever considered something like Kids help line? They're meant to be brilliant at listening. Do you feel that's what you need right now, someone to listen? I actually happen to have the number here. They could make the difference you're looking for'

Of course, things aren't always that straight forward. As you've mentioned, you're son shouldn't be taking such enormous responsibility, helping someone manage BPD. For someone so young and inexperienced regarding mental health challenges, it can become anxiety inducing and potentially depressing. Someone needs to take responsibility for this girl. The question is 'Who?' Who do you feel would be best, in this case?

You're raising an incredibly sensitive and compassionate boy, a reflection of who you are. With his sense of compassion and responsibility it sounds like he doesn't want to leave her without her having support in the process of ending the relationship. There are plenty of young men out there who would not care so much. I imagine you're very proud of him. He should be proud of himself.

🙂