Mt friend is my trigger!

[Pelayn]

Hi.

My best friend, the only person i have opened up to about my depression besides my husband, also triggers my maladaptive behavior.

I been diagnosed with Emotional Depravation schema. This means i feel very insecure in relationships. I developed a bond with a playgroup friend and we became close.

Because this friend and i were close i opened up to her and she helped support me over the last 3 years. But because we were close i got very hurt when she spent time with other friends or was wasn't available to catch up.

So many times I've thought i have to remove myself from her or I'm not going to move forward. But i don't think i can. She is aware of these issues. My therapist hasn't suggested removing myself.

Any thoughts or experiences to help me decide what to do?

Julie

[JessF]

Hello Pelayn, good on you for doing schema therapy, I have done this and found it very useful.

I think it would be a good idea to ask your therapist what he or she thinks. On one hand, it may be helpful for you to remove yourself from the trigger, but on the other you may be avoiding the problem. As the problem is the emotional deprivation, and not necessarily your friend's behaviour towards you, then you could find yourself in the same situation with new friends you make down the line.

Perhaps an idea is a middle ground - rather than cutting of fyour friend totally, you manage your time with her instead. Work out what it is about this friendship that works and what doesn't - things in common, for example. Develop friendships with others so you are not relying emotionally on one person - just as your friend has. This is an issue that I have dealt with in the past, and I have found that when you start spreading your time around, it not only makes you feel more confident, but you know that when you need to rely on a friend, you have many people you can call on.

We can't get everything we need in life out of a single relationship, some friends will be good listeners. Some will give great advice. Others will just be the people you spend time with to forget about things.

[Pelayn]

Thanks Jess F.

My friend and i do message each other about everyday things and when we meet up unless im struggling we have an everyday relationship.

After starting therapy it has been weighted more towards my issues. My friend has also struggled with anxiety in the past.

Very recently i reached out to her cos i was at a very low point, not sure of the cause, and she didn't react the way i was hoping for. All i wanted was her to call or say i wish i could be with you.

I Reacted by pushing her away. She has since said she was hurt by that and will contact me when she is ready. I think i had a panic attack when i got her message. I have had a couple in the last few days. Not something i usually suffer.

This is a learning curve for me as i have never relied on anyone in this way before besides my husband.

I have now let another person know what im going through and the first thing she said is she wanted to give me hug. She also has been through depression.

Should i ask her if she is happy for me to reach out to her when i am in need? I don't want to end up in the same situation again.

Do you have any experience to share?

I look forward to your response.

Julie

[geoff]

dear Julie, it's always disappointing when you attach yourself to someone but then you're let down by them.
If you are in a room with your friend and another group of ladies and your friend goes to join the others instead of you, then you know who she wants to be friends with, then how upsetting this will be, especially when you're made the trouble to make friends, as this will only reinforce your insecurity.
Although at times you want to talk to your friend, you expect that confidence will not be broken and that she doesn't go around spreading the word of what you have told her, that unfortunately you will never know unless someone else starts to talk to you about has been told to her.
Trust here is so important and you just hope that your friend will not say anything to anybody, but some people can never keep a secret, and the biggest give away is when somebody comes up to you and says 'don't tell anyone else about this'means that this person can't keep a secret.
If you can find someone who has had anxiety/depression then these would be people who you could rely on, but it's always a battle that we have to try and work through. Geoff. x

[Pelayn]

Thanks for your posts.

My support and best friend has now let me know that she can't be there for my anymore.

I feel sad but liberated at the same time. I feel like i can move on now.

I asked the second person i reached out to if i could go to her from time to time when I was in need. I got a very open and welcoming response.

I Feel very fortunate that i have a supportive husband and a new support who has been through similar.

I wish that everyone was so fortunate.

Julie ​

[Pelayn]

Hi.

So some time has passed and my best friend and i have worked through things. But I still can't quite let go of things she said to me.

I Have also let quite a few other people know about my struggle with depression. Not sure how i feel about that yet.

But this friend who i always enjoyed spending time with isn't as supportive as i though she would be. Her support now feel clinical and superficial. people I'm not as close with have made me feel better.

My depression it triggered by people im very close with, really just my best friend and my husband, due to my issues with relationships. Im worried about becoming close to another friend and then they start triggering my schema and depression.

But on the other hand i will feel lonely without close friends.

Not really sure where this leaves me........ should i just take what I can get from my best friend?