More than a 'senior's moment' - Being hit from out of the blue

[Open_for_joy]

I am turning 66 in a week and have had a terrible 5 weeks where I have been hit by a sudden and unexpected bout of depression and anxiety for the first time in my life!! This has been very disabling and I have been struck by the severity of it and confused about what I need to do about it. The strength of my reaction seems out of proportion to a recent crisis in the family but it seems to have raised a lot of issues that I just keep ruminating over. I am waking at 3am and spending hours dwelling on various issues. I have been feeling very flat and have no energy. But the most dramatic thing is how anxious I feel!! I have always been a bit shy at parties etc but this is very different - I am restless and agitated, and feel a little sick in the stomach and chest a lot of the time.

The main reason I am making this post is the surprise I have felt with the suddenness of this situation and incredible powerlessness I feel in dealing with it. I have been quite happy to talk to my partner and close friends but there is a real issue about how much to keep talking about it and how much to "take control back" by trying to be positive etc

Wondering if other people - particularly in my age group - have any similar experience or insights

Best wishes to all

Open for joy

[Croix]

Dear Open for Joy~

I'd like to welcome you here and also apologize for the length of time it has taken for you to get a reply. It is no reflection on you or the subject of your post. It is simply this system is not perfect and such things unfortunately do happen from time to time.

To suddenly be overcome by depression and anxiety is a pretty horrible thing . I guess at 66 it is unexpected, and all the more alien as a result. Sadly as you are finding it can become present at any stage of life.

You did mention that there had been some family hassles that might have set you off, but your reaction seems disproportionate. Do you think in fact there were other issues that combined to bring you to your current state?

Being able to talk to your partner and friends about this is a real bonus showing trust and maturity, hopefully they are able to understand and give support. I would think that rather than question if you should limit this talk it might be more appropriate to seek medical support as well. I'd suggest going to your GP and in a long consultation say what has happened, and maybe mention the matters you have been 'ruminating' over too.

Feeling as you do is no way to live and steps should be taken to try to clear up the matter, rather than leaving it and soldiering on. I made that mistake and it did not help - quite the reverse.

There is a fair amount of information about anxiety, depression and related matters; both symptoms and treatments in The Facts menu at the top of every page, I'd suggest having a look.

You are not powerless, no matter what you feel. Even coming here demonstrates that.

I hope to talk with you agian

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hello Open for joy

Croix has given you a beautiful welcome and provided you with very supportive and caring advice. I don't have much to add. Other than, I too am sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your post.

I am 64 turning 65 this year. Last year I retired, I had an excellent plan in place for what I was going to do. Then baaa, I had a fall, then another one right on top of it. That put all my plans in disarray because I was unable to move very easily without fear of falling again. It took about 4-5 months to heal my old bones, muscles, tendons etc. During this time, I took a dive - went headlong into anxiety and depression. Since then I've been working to manage this by doing most of what Croix has said above.

I visited my gp for an extended appointment. He referred me to a psychologist (that I agreed with), but after 2 visits realised it wasn't going to help me. Returned to my gp and he referred me to his first choice (in the first place) that is way over the other side of town.

I couldn't get an appointment for about 6 weeks, so that's when I joined BB forums. It's been the best thing for me. It has helped me to manage my anxiety and depression, as has my latest psychologist. His background is in organisational psychology and for me this was good - coming out of a life of work and thinking of starting a small business (which hasn't happened yet).

I'm not sure of your circumstances and there is no pressure for you to answer. Just wondering if you recently ceased work or are you still working?

Most of the post has been about me, but I did that to let you know, you are not alone at all in how you are feeling. Many people of our age do go into depression for one reason or another - retirement, empty nest, deaths of friends and relatives.

Let me know if you have any questions for me?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Open_for_joy]

Dear Croix and PamelaR

Thanks to both of you for your support and encouragement! My wife and I have been on the road for the past 2 years and this crisis was precipitated by a sudden and strong need to have a place of our own as we have been housesitting and farmsitting. While this has been fun it felt like it was naïve not to plan for what we would do after this. I felt like I had made some bad choices and this really played on my mind big time.

I have managed to let go of much of the really negative and critical thoughts but I still have these nagging symptoms of anxiety - waking at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep, feeling restless, butterflies in chest and stomach much of the day. Also finding it hard to make any decisions. It's difficult at the moment to get professional help as we are still moving from place to place for the next few months so no routine. I have just found an online treatment program called Mindspot run by Macquarie Uni and I am going to do this as well as focus on trying to relax and keep positive and active. I am also hoping to attend a self-help group when these are available where I am staying.

Best wishes for now

Open for joy

[Croix]

Dear Open for Joy~

Thanks for coming back and talking more. It may be you have fallen into the trap that I did, I thought of this when I read you saying "I had made some bad choices". Whatever your decisions were as part of a marriage you did not make them alone. OK, perhaps a different set of aims about a home might have been good, but the two of you have have been 'sitting' together.

When I was invalided out of my occupation I found that my partner was a much stronger and more capable person than I'd realy understood. An awful to of what I thought was me steering the ship was in fact a joint effort (though I have to say our styles did differ)

Realizing there was another beside me and I did not bear sole responsibility for decision making was - and still is - a real comfort.

So I would suggest a council-of-war with you wife and together decide what's best now.

Mindspot is an excellent facility, and it is free. I'm glad you found it. It certainly gets around the problems of local availability until you do get settled. Perhaps the Wellbeing Plus Course might be one to consider?

Ta for the good wishes

Croix

[Open_for_joy]

Thanks Croix - much appreciated. I have had a similar experience with my wife being very understanding and patient with me during this time when I seem to have suddenly collapsed. She has carried us on during this couple of months. I have felt that "bad" decisions were mainly mine but we are in this together and working together now on making new plans into the future.

Thanks also for the suggestion about Wellbeing Plus Course. I will look into that.

Ciao for now

Open to joy

[PamelaR]

Hello Open for Joy

Yes, Croix is so right. It is a partnership, you ultimately don't make the decisions on your own. You wife would have said yes to go on the road trip. It's not naive. I love the spontaneity of what you did! It's fantastic.

Not sure if this helps any, it's a little about my own experience in life and the decisions I've (we've) made that perhaps in hindsight I (we) wouldn't have made. Hindsight is okay, but planning for all contingencies can be difficult at times.

In the 90s, my husband and I had almost paid off our first house (only had 3 years left). We'd made the uneasy choice of not trying for children any more. This had left a void, so I started uni while working full time. Three years in, I was ready to explode (I had undiagnosed PTSD, anxiety and depression). I came up with this plan - lets sell the house and go travelling for a year (taking a years leave without pay). Then I'd come back to work and uni. Hubby was fed up with his work at that time, so eagerly said yes.

Well, the only planning we did was to organise a hotel room in London for a night when we arrived. That was it. Nothing else. We bought some Lonely Planet guides, sold the house, moved everything into storage then up and left. We travelled relatively unplanned the whole 10 months. It caused a crack in our relationship of 15 years. I was the spontaneous one, okay to set out in the morning to the train station, look at destinations then head off. Took about a month of this to realise hubby was suffering extreme anxiety from this and it was making our travels fairly unpleasant. So I compromised and we did some planning that he was comfortable with.

The upshot of all that was we could not purchase a home again until 5 years ago because we didn't have the money. This was not in the original plan - hadn't thought about what we'd do when we returned, other than work and uni, housing was low on the list of priorities. It was only because my hubby was left some by his dad and I had super from another job that we were able to purchase our house. Up until then we were also going to be grey nomads. But both our health and physical fitness was not going to make that a reality.

I guess I'm sharing this to show you, we all make decisions that have some flaws. They can't be perfect. That's okay. I'm sure the experience you've had is enormous. I know I'd certainly love it and I'd be exactly the same as you now.

Take care

PamelaR

[Open_for_joy]

Dear PamelaR

apologies for the lengthy delay in replying to you - I have not had access to the internet for much of this time. Thanks for your story and reassurance! When we set out two years ago to see what the world would present to us we had no set timelines or outcomes. This sudden change of plans that has triggered this episode of depression and anxiety is one of the outcomes that we now have to reframe and move it to a positive perspective. One saying I like is "You cant change the direction of he wind, but you can reset that sails" and I guess that is what I (we) are doing at the moment.

Best wishes

Open for joy

[Croix]

Dear Open for joy~

I have the feeling that your marriage is one of those blessed ones where each in turn bear the load when the other cannot. When I was young and recently married my head was full of outmoded ideas on responsibility and duties. I did not realize the treasure I had right in front of me.

When I became ill my wife, as I mentioned before, became the strength. Later on again she became ill and I was able to be the strong one for her. I suspect you have strengths in you that will come to the fore when needed.

I like your sailing metaphor BTW

Croix

[Open_for_joy]

Thanks Croix - much appreciated!

I have started the Wellbeing Plus program today and looking forward to following it through

Cheers, Open for joy