Hi Zachary
At this time of such challenging emotions, I feel for you so much. At a time where you're trying to make greater sense of things, I'm glad you've come here on your quest. I believe all great quests hold many questions.
As a 55yo gal, it took me decades to hit on the revelation 'I don't suffer through guilt, I suffer through the wrong definition of guilt'. I found that when I redefined guilt, it no longer held the negative emotional charge it once did. For me, guilt is nothing more that a signpost, a point of choice in regard to greater consciousness/awareness. For example, if I have been on a path that has led to another person's sufferance, guilt asks me to consciously choose (at a fork in the road) 'Who do you wish to be from this moment onward? What path are you going to take?'. Do I want to be someone who no longer causes sufferance? Do I want to be someone who expresses a genuine and heartfelt apology to the person who I've led to suffer? Do I want to explore deeply the path that led me to think and behave in such a way? Do I want to be someone who encourages that person to express their emotions and the pain I may have led them to feel (a deeply challenging experience)? What path is guilt asking me to choose?
While in my younger years I dreamed of being a highly conscious person, comparable to a zen monk 😁, I've come to realise that greater consciousness has both a bright side and a dark side. With the dark side, it's more about facing what we're not entirely conscious of (bringing that stuff to light, so as to make sense of it). Not easy to do in some cases. This can come with a lot of challenging emotions. With you mentioning a lack of awareness in regard to the behaviour that's led you to feel in ways that you do, you need to be kind to yourself as you explore that. From my own experience, I can say it's not about making excuses or excusing ourself from what we've done, it's about finding the reason/s behind our ways of thinking and behaviour at the time. It's about becoming more reason able or more reasonable. I've found in my life that there's been quite a bit to shed light on. It's not easy work but it does provide a sense of liberation and graduation. If our goal is the raise ourself or graduate to next level awareness in life (time and time again), some of the levels we go through can feel a little dark before reaching moments of much needed enlightenment. It definitely pays to find a guide or some guides to help make greater sense of what that darkness is really about or what it holds which we can't see.
In regard to my emotional compass, a sense of guilt is what helps light the way ahead.
