Lost

[bella_dee86]

Hey all,

So I'm new to this forum (well I'm new to talking about my mental health in general) a friend of mine suggested beyond blue, so i thought what else do i have to loose? i have struggled with major depression, anxiety (last 2 years bad social anxiety), post traumatic stress, borderline personality disorder and some have said i have bi polar. I was diagnosed when i was 21 with bi polar, then when i had a major mental breakdown at the start of the month i was told i did not have it and was pulled off all my medication. If I'm honest, that in itself was a massive shock to the system, in a strange way those medications became somewhat a part of me... now i am taking absolutely nothing, i was told at the mental health clinic that i attended, since i was young fit healthy with a child and profession behind me that i was basically fine, and there was nothing that they could do for me. Well i was dishearten to say the least, and now I'm just lost and left with my demons. Yes,I have a profession, a child and yes i do exercise 6 days a week. However i am far from ok and i know this deep down inside because i have fought this path for the past 16 years, i have been hospitalised 3 times before due to not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so tired from this battle, its soul destroying! i have lost so many people form it, people that have tried there hardest to help but were physically drained from giving so much, i lost my job. A job that i loved very much and i haven't worked since i lost my job and that was 3 months ago, it has put much strain on my relationship with my partner (he lost his job in fifo to come and care for me) however i feel so empty towards him, i feel emptiness towards motherhood, just an emptiness towards everything, i can honestly say that i don't find any enjoyment, i only exercise because its the only soul time that i have to concentrate on myself (ect... breathing) i have a sense of anger towards everything and I'm just lost. I am unsure if these feelings come from past unresolved issues which are exacerbating current ones, i do see a therapist which i feel doesn't really help. So basically if you were able to read through all my ramble, i am simply just very lost. I need help to find myself again ...

[kanga_brumby]

Hi and welcome to BB forums. My questions are firstly do you have a GP if so have a chat with your GP. Letting them in on your concerns, see if you can get a referral for a diagnosis on what you have. If your seeing a mental health worker already see if they can diagnose you. It might help lift up back to a place where you can function in a better way for your own welfare. Plus for your children and partner. If you need someone to talk to there are some great phone numbers below. What ever you do don't stop excising, that rely helps with mental health a lot. Keep in touch there are a lot of good people in here. All trying to help.

Kanga

[LaneJ]

Hey Bella,

Sounds like you are really struggling with a lot at the moment. It must be tough to deal with this almost on your own, and feel like you have not been able to talk about it openly in the past.

Its interesting that you mention that people have said you must be fine and that there's nothing they can do for you just because you have a good profession, exercise regularly and have a child. Sometimes the pressure of family, work and exercise can actually make us feel very exhausted and can make us need help more. Do you ever feel this way?

Im really glad your friend suggested beyondblue. I think it's great that you have come here and have shared your story with the rest of us. It's a really hard thing to do. It shows that you obviously have a lot of courage and strength.

Im wondering what you could do over the next few days to try and make yourself feel a bit better? Sometimes small things can make a big difference. Even just a bath with some nice candles? Something relaxing. Or maybe you could go for a walk with your friend?

I read that you have been seeing a psychologist. I completely get that sometimes you can stop and be wonder if it's actually making a difference or helping anything at all. I've actually said this to my psychologists in the past and they have been able to facilitate a discussion about ways it is helping, or at times we have worked together to find new ways they can help me. Remember that your GP can always help you with a new or different referral if you think that would be more beneficial.

In the mean time, maybe you could keep some sort of journal about how you are feeling on different days? It could help you to identify what it is you're really thinking and maybe what is making these feelings come up throughout the day.

Lanejane

[bella_dee86]

Hey,

thank you for your response. In answer to your question I do have a gp, but I feel like I get no where with her. I have tried a few different ones, but it's tiring telling my life to them all. I'm just fed up with it to be honest.

[bella_dee86]

Hey,

thanks for your response to my post, I appreciate it. I have started writing again, just yesterday as I had a really bad day. It's helped some what, so thank you for your suggestion. I feel like things are getting worse for me, I can agree that the juggle of work, family ect is overwhelming. But the show must go on.

[Fixer]

Hi there Bella,
I’m new today to BB but finding it fantastic to be able to read so many others’ stories. It truly helps you realise how many people are struggling. And that’s sort of good, in that, when you seem to be surrounded by people (in your daily routine) that seem to have no clue as to what you are going through*, there is a huge resource of good willed people who relate to YOU.

LaneJane’s suggestion of writing a journal got me thinking about a technique I heard from a sports Psychologist which was directed at cyclists but I think can be beneficial for general living. He talked to athletes about ‘mapping their demons’ the places on the course that were going to throw up particular challenges- either physical or phycological. Just pinpointing where these are and knowing that there is some clear road beyond that can give you a sense of hopefulness. The other thing it does is prepare you for for despair you might feel going through it- and if you know that you might be able to cut yourself some slack.

* unfortunately these often include our partners, GP’s and psychs. In relation to being fit and healthy and having your profession, when I was going through a particularly trying time, one of my ‘friends’ said “well you can always just go outside and look at your BMW”. Soooo very helpful!

Stay strong!