Lost in DSP

[DSPicableMe]

I've never been on these forums before, so I'll introduce myself, I'm 34 and about to have my 35 birthday. My mum has terminal lung cancer and will be dead in a matter of months according to doctors. I suffer sever sleep aponea, ADD, chronic depression and anxiety. Years ago, back before they shook up the DSP rules, I was doing consecutive WFD programs one after another. This was after leaving a job I was good at becasue my family was moving state. Over the course of these programs I became very depressed because of the futile activities people are requried to do. Eventually I broke, and got put on DSP. From then on I was put on and rejected from almost every job network because of the 'funding' related requirements, and not being helped with actually getting work or work experience. I could search for jobs on my own, but was usually rejected after a time for lack of experience. I've got two Cert IVs in IT, the newest which is 4 years old, yet I am so desperate for work that I apply for anything despite my level of education. Nothing helps, I've been trying 7 years and nothing helps. I was put on medication some time ago which allows me to function at 80% of any other employee, but now centrelink has reduced my capacity to work and I can't tell them I'm able to because a) the medication isn't PBS covered, and I'm allergic to what is b) if I lost DSP I would lose the medication and be unable to cope up too and if I got a job because it's what gives me the ability to function at 80%. In a few months I will only have my sister, other than that I will be completely alone, my other closest friend online also has cancer and she will be gone soon too. I know this sounds trivial, but at my age there is no real assistance, no help, I've been put on the scrap heap of society and if I only had a chance I feel I could get off it. It feels like life is becoming completely meaningless, and I'm about to be hit with a tidle wave of loss, and I just wish it would stop/slow down so there was more time to fix things. So..... Anyway....... that's me... Anyone else on DSP that really wants to join the real world but has been sidelined with no assistance?

[DSPicableMe]

Thanks,

It was a play on words, and referring to that if I hadn't been forced into Work for the Dole when I had severe sleep aponea leading to fatigue which was untreated, and undiagnosed ADD I probably wouldn't have been qualified as disabled because a lot of working people have these conditions. The depression and anxiety came about severely because of government policy.

The whole premises of being placed on DSP is that a condition is treated and established, my condition was neither treated nor stabilized because the medication to do that costs hundreds of dollars, because I have severe reactions to the subsidized PBS medication. I'm literally disabled for financial reasons.

Hence, despicable as unlike other people with no work capacity and complete disability, I would have been able to work, had it not been for the WFD program pushing me to breaking point for conditions that were not treated. I have no girlfriend, no family, no children. I've missed my entire life due to being forced into programs and threatened if I didn't comply. My disability has always been a matter of money and opportunity. Which is why I constantly look for work, but disability, which it took me a long while to learn isn't a PR, exercise, employers will not hire people if they are disabled in any way unless they can get some financial incentive for it. I'm yet to find an employer in 7 years of trying that will give me an honest go. The last one hired me on minimum wage to take the place and work load of two employees that just left, the one before that paid $13.66 per hour, I've never found one that wasn't just out to take advantage of my desperation for a job. Employment agencies are even worse as government funded ones are contact meetings and jobs clubs, they are more interested in clocking up funding through getting clients assessed as having higher levels of disability so they can leech more funding than actually finding them jobs. I feel literally destroyed by this life most days.

That's just me though, great to hear you are finding volunteering jobs, and I hope you did well on your assignments. It's good to have a positive attitude. I hope you are looking into dietary foods as there are some out there that can treat inflammation. I used to wake up with headaches but that was due to stopping breathing at night, sleep studies are a good idea. Sleep is very important to mental function.

[Doolhof]

Hi DSPicableMe,

Sorry to read you have been treated the way you have been! A decade or so ago I injured my back quite severely while working on Aged Care. I went on Work Cover. Lets just say I di not enjoy that very much!

My employment lady has me doing a course in Aged Care! My back keeps on degenerating, it does not improve. It is something I have been told I need to do. When the course is complete I need to do so many hours of placement. Who is going to want a person liable of further injury on their premises!

My volunteer work does provide me with a lot of satisfaction and a sense of self worth.

I agree, sleep is very important to mental health. I have now been referred to a pain clinic so I am curious to see how they can help me. That starts in a couple of months.

Are there things you can do that bring you a sense of achievement and help to build your self worth? These things are definitely worth doing.

Cheers from Dools

[DSPicableMe]

Hi,

That sounds similar to how my mum had her employment come to an end, except she was working for a 'nameless' supermarket chain doing night fill, a disk in her spine crumbled one night and she couldn't work again, so that was the end of her employment days. As I recall she was covered for about two years after it, then assessed then put on the pension.

A course in Aged Care? "3.2.9.100 Suitable Activity - Study & Training"" of social security law covers what is suitable, and I'd look at "3.2.8.50 What Can be Included in a Job Plan" also look at "Managing and Monitoring Mutual Obligation Requirements and Job Plan Guideline" google these. I'd be wary about what job agencies tell you compared to your actual rights, especially when if comes to disabilities and medical issues. Volunteer work if doing enough hours used to qualify for meeting mutual obligations.

I hope that the pain clinic goes well, at least they may be able to give you more medical history to give to centrelink when you undergo ESAT/JCAs. DES impairment tables do cover back injury, specifically "table 4 - spinal function. " All this information is available FOI and online.

As for a sense of achievement, I struggle with that. Sometimes I do help people solve their computer issues if needed, but the joy I used to get out of it is not there as I should have been doing it for a career. I am however trying to get my licence, which you would think would not be good, but the 'medication' that is impossible to afford off disability enables me to function without fatigue and concentrate safely, so driving isn't an issue. If I can get my licence that will be an achievement, even if I can't afford a car to drive in yet.

I'd like to start a not-for-profit web development service for charities and small not for profits that just paid for hosting and domains, and I'd do the site. I always wanted to do this, but the system is so complex, it seems you can't set up shop and do anything for free without a whole heap of red tape....It would be good though, as if I knew how to achieve that I may be able to get my talents out there and actually get somewhere before I'm too much older. As for self worth? I really don't know how to establish self worth without other peoples input, from my point of view, I'm just one life a blip in existence, unfortunately it's not like "It's a Wonderful Life" if I never existed life may have been better for everyone. For starters my sister would be inheriting a whole house

[Doolhof]

Hi DSP,

Thanks for all the information you provided me. I will have a look and see what is there. I did try for a disability pension but was told I was not crook enough. Like you mentioned, attending this Pain Clinic will hopefully help me with my pain management issues at the least.

Like you I am happy to work, just haven't been able to find any job I can do or someone who will employ me!

A sense of achievement and feeling more self worth are things I am working on right now. Years ago I bought a book on Borderline Personality Disorder. The section I am working on now relates to "Creating an Identity".

It discusses personal priorities and values. There is a list of different categories to consider, strangely enough it starts with CHARITY and also includes, friends, family, work, recreation and so much more. Each category has questions for you to answer and consider.

Under CHARITY it asks things like: What does it meant o you, is it a part of your life, do you enjoy helping others, how could you be more charitable towards yourself? Plus more.

By working through these topics and questions I am learning a lot more about myself and why I feel the way I do in relation to so many things in my life.

I am becoming more aware of where my negativeness stems from. Through this process I can learnt to make changes to those thoughts.

I am charitable, kind and caring to others but expect so much more from myself. Why? Maybe because of the way I grew up and thought I was never good enough for anyone. Now I need to tell myself I am over 50 and I don't need to live by other people's standards that I have stuck in my head any longer!

Maybe that is what Dave meant when he wrote "Root Cause Analysis". We need to look at where these unhelpful thoughts and beliefs came from, recognise them for what they are, change our way of thinking and find ways to move on.

One of your achievements is supplying valuable information on this forum, and being part of the community here. Let alone all the work you have done in the past to help and assist others.

Start making a list, even if it is just getting up out of bed in the morning. For some people that is a huge achievement!

Cheers to you from Dools

[DSPicableMe]

Hi Dools,

Haven't made that list yet as, well it slipped my mind. I have resumed driving lessons and got my L2s because I was afraid my licence would expire, and I have been applying for jobs. I'm not very charitable toward myself as I know that there aren't actual people who are going to help me out of the hole that I feel I'm stuck in. Root Cause is interesting, in that I know where a lot of my issues came from, people who are destroyed in some way go on to destroy others around them if they don't see their own faults, or the harm they have done to others. My mum took me to see one Dr a family GP when I was young, he laughed and said ADHD didn't exist, it was almost 26 years before I was told I had ADD, and the experience of medication made things so much clearer and easy to handle. I was 9, something that if diagnosed could have changed the trajectory of my whole life was worth one opinion of one General Practitioner... Then there was pushing me relentlessly to do course after course, and not letting me try to do work when I was young because why waste time with low end dead end jobs when I could become X Y Z..... constantly struggling to keep up because I used to have to read the same things over and over to remember them, and study what seemed like much more than every one else just to keep up without diagnosed ADD. I actually only got diagnosed after spending almost $1000 on specialists, in my early 30's when I lived near a place where I had access to them... People who say it doesn't exist have no idea what it's like, what it's like to need absolute silence to think clearly, or zero interference to focus at all, when great amounts of time just seem to vanish, or needing to go over things again and again because literally after reading a page or going to the next one you can't remember the previous one, it's not like being stupid, because whilst a person may need to really really try hard to focus to absorb the content, they can definitely comprehend it. But that's major root causes for me.

Hope the clinic went well, and sorry I haven't responded, I've had a lot going on lately.

[Doolhof]

Hi DSP,

Congratulations on getting your L2s. Back in the day when I had my licence, I seem to recall we just had our Learners fro 3 months, than did a driving test, and if you passed that you had your complete licence.

Regarding your ADD diagnosis, I certainly don't have that, but due to my depression and stress I can sometimes have similar reactions to noise and needing quiet to be able to think. I too can read something and when I am not having a good day, have no idea what I have read.

Occasionally I do have good recall, so I can only try to imagine what it is like for you to be like that maybe all of the time.

My Employment lady has me doing some study on the computer at the moment. I try not to do it when my husband is home as the slightest interruption sends me nuts and one day I was actually yelling and screaming at the computer because I had no idea what it was I was supposed to be doing! As long as I don't throw the computer through the window I will be okay!

When I am frustrated, I sometimes like to draw stuff, even if it is just angry lines on the paper. Do you strategies or ways to help you calm down if you become irritated?

The pain clinic starts next month, I will be interested to see what it is all about.

Hope you are doing okay. Cheers from Dools

[DSPicableMe]

Haven't posted for a while, hope your pain clinic went well. I did buy a house since last time I was on, it's in a very dreary wet place, but it's a means to an end, somewhere to put all my stuff and sort though my life, I'm hoping to reduce it to as little as possible over time, it's just a reminder of what a waste my life has been, all that study for nothing, no career, job, family, girlfriend, or even just a close friend.

I've literally lost a computer packing, that's my fault for having too many, I'll find it one day.

My licence is on hold for now as I lack access to a car or a tutor.

[Jay_Tee]

Hi DSP

This is my first post here.

I haven't had half of the struggles that you have had however, I am able to relate to a couple of them.

I'm a 40 something IT worker who excelled in schooling early on and struggled with the challenges of undiagnosed ADD during my latter high school. Despite trying and being able to grasp the basic principles, I became too confused with maintaining direction when solving the problems. I couldn't even write English Essays. My dad took it personally, lots of loss of privileges and punishment was meant to motivate me but the judgement of why it was occurring from all ends, lazy kid who didn't try, really hurt.

I lived semi rural and I had many years earlier, built a tree house(well platform) at the top of the tallest Eucalypt on the property. It had wooden rungs hammered in to the outside of the trunk to allow me to climb easily. I used to spend time at the top reflecting. One evening I found myself up there, mentally spinning cycles about how I could solve this constant underachievement issue that I had and I was caught in a stomach churning knot of helplessness and hopelessness and as the chill of the evening crept in, I realised how physically cold and cramped I was, my nose was running, I was choking back tears, trapped by a condition that I didn't understand and was not understood by anyone else either. I found myself unable to cope with the menially obstacle of climbing back down and so totally overwhelmed by it all, I just walked off. It wasn't a pleasant trip. Over the next decade, I struggled to find success and maintain a will to survive.

I was diagnosed with Adult ADD at the age of 26, got married, found religion, stable work and while comforting to have those things, extra pressure lately has had me finding myself scared and stuck up the proverbial tree again.

Anyway, my reason for writing is not to go on about me so much but to let you know that for me who wrestles with ADD(medicated) and depression(not medicated) and stress which impacts my sleep and exacerbates my ability to cope, I feel isolated and alone.

I just want you to know that your experiences and your willingness to share helps me feel more understood and less alone on a level beyond the reach of most people. I suspect, others here feel that too. You and who fight the good fight, day in, day out make my fight less hopeless for me. You are NOT worthless, you have a priceless qualification and my respectful gratitude. Thank you.

[DSPicableMe]

Thank you for your comment, it was very descriptive, and I can relate. Lately my failures in life seem to have outweighed my successes particularly because IT qualifications don't stand the test of time well without employment, I actually have three certificate III's in IT and two certificate IVs, all this whilst looking for work, it was an endless cycle of not finding work, or being offered training placements and returning to education as a result, mostly in order to avoid the highly stressful and anxiety causing WFD programs that the government uses to punish those unfortunate enough not to find work. It all seemed so counterproductive as if I wasn't undertaking course after course to avoid mandatory punitive government programs that eroded my mental health, I may have found work or on the job training.

I however am getting back into a routine, and like you have issues with stress and sleep. I have found routine helps the most with this, forcing yourself to get up, and making yourself go to bed, well my cat does this, to be honest, he has more routine than me and I just follow his lead. I still take medication for sleep, it increases melatonin in the brain which is naturally occurring but can be interfered with by blue light, white LEDs and screens which produce blue light, but I'm not going to say what it is because of rules, needless to say it works better than homeopathic ones. I do still use white LED lightbulbs (daylight) in my office, but use yellow (warm) low light ones everywhere else, changing light sources helps.

You are so very lucky to have had your ADD diagnosed in your mid 20's, found work and got married. I'm not religious myself, but I can understand how it can bring hope and faith to those who embrace it.

It is good to know other people who struggle with ADD, I went undiagnosed because of a unfounded belief it didn't exist, and as you know medication is the difference between becoming angry and frustrated at yourself for not being able to concentrate and achieve, and being able to have self confidence and ability to focus. It's not that people with ADD/ADHD don't try, it's that they try so very hard to win against a disorder they have no choice in and it's tiring, frustrating and debilitating.

I'm trying to set my self goals, personal ones, so I have something to strive for, it's a tough time right now as my mum is in the final stages of cancer, but I must keep busy so I can be supportive for her, and for my own sake.