Lost and Exhausted but looking for advice

[Patat]

Hello, 

I am 28 years old and for a long time I have struggled with negative thoughts, which have at times culminated in bouts of depression and anxiety. On the surface however, I have a pretty good life: I am in a loving relationship, I have some good mates and a somewhat nice, if at times alienating, family. All of this makes me feel like these feelings of negativity are just self-indulgent. Why should I whine when there are people out there who are really suffering? This has led me to repress these feelings, to keep them hidden from family and friends, to disguise them behind a façade of jocularity and humour. I know this isn't right but I feel so awfully embarrassed about my own internal stuff, I hate the idea of putting all my that on my friends and family.

When I get home from work I sometimes I feel like I am going to burst out crying , and I constantly catch myself whispering to myself that I should disappear. I can't sleep some nights, I just stare up at the celling thinking about how useless I am, how I have wasted my talents or potential and I am going nowhere. When I go on social media sites like Instagram I get so insanely jealous about other people: everyone seems like they progressing and following there dreams and whatever, and here I am, looking at my phone and going nowhere. Then I feel guilty about feeling jealous, which makes me feel desperately sad. But then it starts all over again.

I feel exhausted and am at somewhat of a loss about what to do.  Maybe I need to shake things up but I have responsibilities to fulfil for the sake of my partner, so I feel like I can't.  Even writing this down and posting it on this forum makes me feel embarrassed. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had any advice or tips to breakout of this ? Thanks for listening.   

[Eevier]

Hey Patar. Really glad you reached out. I completely relate to a lot you posted. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, depression is not about what we have or haven't got in life and there is nothing shameful about your feelings. Is this something you could talk to your GP about? I've just started on my journey getting help and counseling so I don't have a lot of advice, just know your not alone xx

[David35]

People only post the 1% of their life that is great on social media. They leave out the 99% that is mundane, boring, frustrating etc. So don't pay attention too much to instagram, facebook, etc. To some people, life is a popularity contest and these platforms have just propagated the high school mentality of competing for attention from others, usually complete strangers. It's only natural this will cause depression by comparing yourself to others. We've all done it, but it can be soul destroying. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday, or yesteryear.

There is a poem I read which may sum up things for you. It's called the bend in the road. I found it on pinterest. By the way, it can get exhausting trying to be someone you're not. If you feel life isn't challenging enough, there is nothing wrong with that. It's not winging. It just means you want to grow as a person. Maybe your job isn't allowing you to do that. I'm not saying to leave your job. You may need to pursue other interests outside of work. Something that you have to look forward to.