Lonely, but where to go

[Jacqueline11]

Hi

i have dealt with depression for 20+ years now. I have self esteem issues and don't believe that people want to be with me. As a result I lock myself away and avoid social engagements. As a result of that I feel desperately lonely and as though I'm on a self perpetuating cycle.

Does anyone have tips on any outlets? How do you strike up contact with people without having the pressure of socialisation?

Thanks in advance

[blondguy]

Hello Jacqueline11

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

I understand where you are coming from as I have depression and this is my 20th year, and anxiety prior to the depression. It can be an awfully isolating place to be in whilst having this condition

You asked a very good question about making contact with people without the pressure of a social environment.

My self esteem is roughly okay....in business its stellar....but with meeting people on a personal level I do have difficulty.....maybe as the result of so many years with this crap illness

My self esteem issues are the same as yours Jacqueline. I noticed that I was avoiding social engagements as well and I still do as the anxiety does spike for me...badly. I have met some kind people through friends that I get along with but explaining the social anxiety is a major pain....

I have a small circle of friends/support network that keep inviting me out but I keep turning them down.

If I may ask you Jacqueline...do you have anxiety that comes with the social activities as I do?

Kudos to you for such an excellent question Jacqueline...

There are many super gentle people on the forums that can be here for you. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place to post too

I hope you can post back when convenient

you are definitely not alone here

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Richard_C1]

Hi Jacqueline11,

I think I know exactly how you feel. I have suffered from significant self-esteem issues throughout my whole life. It is such a difficult vortex to escape when you feel worthless, like you have nothing to offer people because you believe you are uninteresting/uninspiring, that other people's lives are normal/social/cheerful/have people in their lives that care for them and you don't.

And the more you haven't lived socially with others (lacking friendships, girlfriends/boyfriends etc throughout your life) the more intense these feelings become in your mind.

You then start asking yourself: would I hang around me if I was in someone else's shoes? With me the answer most of the time is NO. And then it goes downhill again.

I think most of the time people like us are too virtuous, what I mean by that is not that we are some kind of saints or anything, but most of the time we are too modest. We don't like to brag or boast about what we know, what we've seen, how much we can offer to other people or in any way reveal our inner beauty to others.

Unfortunately I can't say I have answers for you at this stage - I am suffering from similar demons myself. If it does make you feel any better though you are definitely not alone

you may want to read my recent post and replies dealing with this same issue - may help you in some way:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/endless-loop-of-loneliness-and-depression

Cheers,

Richard

[Jacqueline11]

Thank you both of you so much for your replies, it is so good to know that I am not alone.

I put all my energy into getting to work an being good at job. I am sure that if you spoke to y colleagues they would tell you that I am confident and competent and have nothing to worry about. Outside work I turn down social requests because I just can't face them, because as you said, who would want to hang out with me when I have absolutely nothing to offer? If I do go out, someone will say, "what have you been up to?" Me: "oh you know,nothing much" and the conversation dies and think that I just did it again.

sorry if this sounds so self pitying, I just know that I do it to myself and I don't know how to break it. I have a friend that can enter a room full of people that she doesn't know and by then end of the event she is good friends with all of them. I envy her so much.

thank you again, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

Jacqueline