Lonely and Ashamed

[AntiHero]

I've never posted online but am desperate for reassurance. I've already come across a similar scenario here, but feel the need to share my own experience.

I am a 28 year old who has a long history of mental illness including chronic depression (anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, you name it). This has had a significant impact on my life, but I've always managed to keep it well hidden (out of shame and self-preservation - the stigma is terrible). I'm in therapy, on medication, and have even quit drinking since my drinking behaviour wasn't very healthy.

Despite all of this, the thing that I'm most ashamed of is that I've never been in a serious relationship, not only because my mental illnesses have held me back, but also because a traditional family and upbringing prevented me from dating as a teen, so I never set solid relationship foundations for myself. I'm 28 with relationship experience limited to flings and crushed hopes.
I'm trying to internet date but have had poor experiences: I've been lied to, ghosted, and faded out on. I'm starting to think maybe people sense something is up with me, and they run as soon as they do. Or, perhaps I get a little too hopeful too soon, which scares people, so people run off again. I recently came out of something (I couldn't really call it a relationship - two months or so of dating and long conversations?) and was heartbroken when I found out he wasn't fully interested.

Is there something wrong with me? I've believed for so long I was unlovable, and now that I've tried to date, all these poor experiences seem to validate this thought - I'm not capable of being loved. I've been single all my life and my loneliness is really affecting me. It's making me desperate for SOMETHING. Is there something wrong with me that I've been single all this time? Is there something wrong with me that no one wants to be with me, or give me a chance?

[quirkywords]

Antihero

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I think many people reading this would be able to relate to you.

There is nothing wrong with you. You seem a kind and compassionate person.

I never had a relationship until my mid 20s .

I have a friend whose brother married his first girlfriend when he was 50. There is no use by date for relationships.

I have tried internet dating and if you think it is hard in your 20s you should try it in your 50s when there seems to be about 20 women to every man.

Do you have friends that you do things with ? Do you like sports or have a hobby or volunteer so you can meet people.

Nobody knows what the future holds. 28 believe me I still very young.

Thanks for being brave to take the first step to share your story.

Quirky

So many people feel lonely and are looking for someone special.

[AntiHero]

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks for the kind words. It's a multitude of factors which makes the need for companionship and loneliness so difficult - difficult to deal with, difficult to resolve. I believe there is a stigma attached to women who are single, people who have never had relationships, and so forth. Pair that with mental illness, and the courage to challenge social (hetero-normative) norms on relationships just goes to zero! In the end, years of loneliness gets very difficult and even shameful: I know people look at me and wonder what's wrong with me. I know this because family members have even confronted my parents with comments such as "don't you think it's WEIRD she's NEVER had a partner?!" (This was when I was 18, let alone now at 28!)
Combine that with the shame of being alone, unwell, "unlovable"...

Not a nice combination at all.

I wonder if this thinking gives off "vibes" to people I'm interested in. No one wants to be with a negative over-thinker, desperate to love and be loved (or so every article by Jo, Jane, and John says!)

[quirkywords]

Antihero,

Thanks for your comments. I do think our society sometimes wants to put people into couples but I do know many women and men who are happy being single either for short or long periods. A friend of mine's daughter did not have her first relationship till she was 38.

People often say things without realising the effect they have on others.

It is never a good idea to compare yourself to others ot to be compared. We are all different.

I suppose we all have a need to belong, so if we are not in a couple, we like to feel pat of a community or group.

I think it is possible to give off vibes maybe not of being desperate but a bit needy and I think many people feel like this at some time.

A question for you.Do you really want a relationship or do you feel you are missing out because of how other people make you feel?

You come across as smart and thoughtful .

When we worry what other people say or think or what we think courtyards wants us to do we lose track of who we ware and what we want.

I am interested in what you think about some of my thoughts.

Quirky

[AntiHero]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for your words. I suppose the answer to your question is both: I would love to have someone in my life, but a part of this drive isn't "nature-driven". A part of this drive is driven by social expectations - I guess I'm trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm lovable/fine/"normal". I've grown up meeting others' expectations, and it's only now I'm evaluating what I truly want of myself and of my life. It's a long process, but objective opinions from lovely people such as yourself always help!

AntiHero

[AntiHero]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for your words. I suppose the answer to your question is both: I would love to have someone in my life, but a part of this drive isn't "nature-driven". A part of this drive is driven by social expectations - I guess I'm trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm lovable/fine/"normal". I've grown up meeting others' expectations, and it's only now I'm evaluating what I truly want of myself and of my life. It's a long process, but objective opinions from lovely people such as yourself always help!

AntiHero