Living with partner with depression, cPTSD, and addiction

[Gingerbluee]

Hello I am reaching out because it has been really hard for me to live with my partner. I am thinking of quiting after supporting him for 2 years through a lot of darkness, his suicidal ideation, job changes, financial issues, addiction, civil court, mood swings. Lately we have been having a lot of fights and even after we talked it out, I feel like I am the only person making effort to rekindle the intimacy, while he just use depression as his reason for not able to provide any affection. On reflection, I have been living in hypervigilance, e.g make sure what I watch on Netflix does not trigger his trauma and spiral him into depression; or when we go get grocery I am worried if he's going to snap at others. He has taken his medication and seek therapy but I dont know how long I should support him while putting my mental health at risk. One day I woke up feeling great then dragged down by his low mood. Yesterday we had another argument and he told me "you do realise this is going to put me into another crash right". Please give me advice on what I should do. 

[indigo22]

Hi Gingerbluee,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear how defeated you are feeling, sometimes it is equally hard for the person supporting as it is for the person with mental illness.

The very first thing you should do is to seek counselling for yourself. It is near impossible to support someone with mental illness without having any effect on your own mental health. In the meantime, consider making use of the helplines when you need to talk to someone in real time, it can make difference.

This is not something that is going to change quickly, as I am sure you are aware, so I guess you will need to give this situation a lot of thought, along with discussion with your partner, as to how to move forward.

There are a number of things your partner is dealing with so it is unrealistic to think that he can control his mood swings, even with medication and therapy. At some point this may improve but there is a lot of trauma under the surface that needs to be healed first. CPTSD comes with a number of automatic responses to triggers that are beyond the control of the person experiencing them. Feeling that way on a daily basis would lead to depression and the two together would lead to addiction to try to escape all the emotional turmoil inside and the feeling of constant vulnerability. The number one priority is feeling safe. Intimacy is likely the last thing on his mind with all of that going on, it is a very real reason and is very common with people with mental illness. So that is what it is like for your partner.

I can also see your side and that for you, living with that uncertainty of what the day might bring, would be making you hypervigilant. You are beginning to struggle as much as your partner but for different reasons. Which is why you need some support yourself.

One suggestion might be to go grocery shopping on your own, so that you get a break from things and don't need to worry about him during that time. Another suggestion could be to watch your Netflix shows with ear buds or head phones so he can't be triggered and you get to see what interests you. These are just compromises that may make life a little easier for both of you.

Neither of you are having an easy time of it and I am sorry it is that way at present. Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo