Living with dysthymia

[LizzieB]

Hi everyone, I am new to Beyond Blue.  I am 42 and have been living with depression for many years. I had an acute episode of post-natal depression after my first child was born which was not diagnosed until I was having some pretty scary symptoms and as a result I sought help and was diagnosed with mental illness for the first time.  The doctors then put me on medication which settled things down but it's been a roller-coaster ever since.  Eventually about 8 years ago I was finally diagnosed with dysthymia and it appears that in reality I have suffered depression since my early teens.  My mother says it all makes sense now!  LOL. I come from a very good family but emotionally my parents were always a little 'vacant' growing up.   I have been on and off anti-depressants since that first acute episode and have now come to grips with the fact I will be on meds forever.  Felt like a failure for so long and have had a big battle with myself over that! 

Rationally, when I look at my life as if someone else is looking in, my life is pretty good;  re-married to a great supportive man who I love deeply, four children between us, good job etc.. it just all still feels like a struggle.  At times I feel like I'm going to break apart.  I have this feeling that if I let even the smallest amount of emotion out, then it will overwhelm me and there'll be no putting it back in.  I feel like I'm holding back a huge tide.  I tell myself to get control and breathe because if I let it go, 

I'm afraid I won't be able to get back to myself. 

Does anyone have these same feelings?? 

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[Snoman]

Hi Lizzie,

Welcome to the BB forums.  I am sure you have poked around here enough to work out we are surrounded here by amazing and wonderful folk who all want to help.

I had a minor episode in my mid twenties (I'm 45 now), got through it thanks to friends and a huge amount of exercise.  Twelve months ago I was diagnosed with major depression and this time I have taken it on with medication and a psychologist.  Before being diagnosed, I was looking at dysthymia thinking that fits me exactly, but I wasn't yet prepared to accept I had major depression.

I have tried to determine when my current episode began, and since it seemed to be a progression, I can't really say other than guess somewhere between one and 4 years earlier.

I have also looked further back, and I'm pretty sure I have had dysthymia since I was 19, or 18, 17... possibly earlier.  Who knows.  It is hard not to think of dysthymia as normal.  It is just the way things are. Right?

That last paragraph... thats me.  That's me for so long, I can't imagine anything else. Sometimes it is very difficult to hold myself together.  But I also have good times when I have little trouble holding it all in.  But I'm always holding it in.

I'm not convinced I will be on meds forever.  I do accept that I will always have to manage it and keep an eye out for warning signs of a major episode.

Like you, I have a very supportive and wonderful spouse.  Bless them for being there for us.

Snoman

[LizzieB]

Thanks so much for replying Snoman 🙂

It's so great to know these overwhelming feelings are normal.  Well, normal for people like us anyway!  Although my husband is great and very supportive, he had no experience with depression until he met me.  Most of the time, to him and everyone around me, I look fine.  I can laugh and joke around and I am quite an outwardly happy person.  But there are other times and it really is mostly at home where I feel more comfortable to be myself, I am withdrawn, sad, irritable and angry.  When asked what's wrong, I can't explain it.  I'm on meds but they don't take it all away.  Would be a lot worse without them but I get SO tired of dealing with my feelings don't you??  And it must be so hard for my husband to not be able to do anything but stand by and watch.

I also had a major depressive episode a few months back.  It was mostly work related and I had two weeks off work to get grounded again.  No extra meds, just good sleep (I work shift work), good food and exercise.  It did the trick and I'm reasonably ok again. 

Yes, it's really important to keep an eye out for signs of these episodes and not let it get out of hand. Luckily, because you've been dealing with this for such a long period, it sounds as if you're like me and are able to self-manage most of the time.

You're right too, the people around us are very important in keeping us grounded.  Bless them for sure!

Thanks again,

LizzieB

[Louranicas]

Hi I hope good will is herded to you all

Part of my lived experience label is Dysthymia

Ive tried medications on multiple occasions but seem to experience a level of treatment resistance I cant stand the weight gain or the side effects and have decided I would rather feel something rather than nothing like an empty soul

For me I just use medications for short term stabilisation as a last resort. I struggle with feeling like Im filled with lead a feeling of unsettledness and agitation buzzing like a fridge in the background. Nothing seems to bring me a sense of happiness pleasure and contentedness and how I experience the world from behind my eyes is plagued by negative thoughts reaction rather than responding and acute sensitivity

At times its all just a bit of a long term struggle I can be in a room full of people and feel like a stranger in a strange land other times I just dont seem to be able to cope with life on lifes terms Ive had times when I just burst into tears when exposed to anykind of stimulation that triggers an emotion I get so sensitive to others and my perception they are trying to hurt me that I push everyone away and i get prone to comfort eating binge watching and web surfing to distract myself from me it's a road well traveled that ive learnt I have to pull up sooner rather than later to maintain wellbeing and stay engaged with living

After deciding that I do want to be here and live life to the best of my ability to what ever degree possible I started to force myself to go for a walk I look at my feet stand myself up and one step at a time walk myself out the door once i get myself going I go with it and keep moving exercise seems to release all the good things inside me I get a good sleep I eat healthy food and I practice social connectedness by forcing myself to engage with groups of other like minded people I also use a mood tracking app called daylio and if I get to many days in a row [about a week] of flat mood I reach out and engage with a counsellor I too also have an amazing supportive wife that helps me see what I cant and supports me to stay on track SO actively engageing in my recovery and building a supportive social network Mindfulness hobbies and interests has been life saving for me although I still have tough days Life is better today I want to live on lifes terms not mine LOL and experience health and wellbeng to what ever degree possible 🙂