Living with depression

[hann1805]

I need some help, I have been living with depression and anxiety for a while now and I am really struggling at this point, I have no motivation to do anything anymore, I have a good job, stable relationship and a roof over my head but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm just not good enough. I'm down all the time and I've even had to take days off work because of a mental breakdown. I don't want this to affect my relationship, my partner and I have been together for a year now and he's been very supportive but I don't want to keep putting him through my episodes of anxiety attacks and severe depressive states, I also don't want this to affect my job. They have also been very understanding through this difficult time but I don't want to turn up to work in tears and breathless before going home after half an hour of work. If someone could help me figure out how to deal with this so it doesn't become a serious problem I would be forever grateful.

[White_Rose]

Dear Hann

Welcome to BB.  I am so pleased you have decided to open up here and ask for help as this is why the web site exists. I will give you my thoughts.

What you have described is such a classic reaction to depression. There would be very few people using this web site who have not experienced the thoughts, feelings and actions you have, especially the 'not good enough' syndrome. I hope that comforts you a little.

You have not said if you have discussed this with your GP. If not, then I urge you to do so immediately. None of us like or want to go to the doctor for anything and taking medication and/or being referred to a psychologist tends to be scary. It may be the process you need to help you get well again.

If you do not have a GP or you are unhappy with your regular GP then look under the tabs at the top of the page. The Facts or Resources will get you to a list of GPs experienced in mental health problems and you can find one in your area.

Your partner sounds like one of the good guys in life so try not to push him away.  This is also one of the tricks depressed people do because of the 'not good enough' syndrome. Talk to him as much as possible. Also under the Resources and The Facts tabs is a huge amount of information about depression and there is specific information for family and friends to help them care for the unwell person.

When I first became depressed my psychiatrist wanted me to take time off work but I refused because I lived on my own and could not face the thought of being alone all day and night. So we compromised on me working four hours day. I was still exhausted but it was good for me. This may be an avenue for you but only after you have consulted your doctor.

Even so there were days when I could not even go to work.  I had a very supportive workmate and I would have a quick chat with her when I felt down or felt I could not stay at work. She encouraged me to stay most of the time, but arranged for me to get home when I really could not stay. If you can find a support person at work it could be very helpful.

So how are you feeling now? I would like you to feel more hopeful and not alone. Although we cannot hug you or talk face to face we can offer our support and care. I do hope you will get back to us and tell us how you are going.

Regards

LING

[hann1805]

Hi LING

I haven't seen a GP about it because I'm afraid of them just putting me onto medication that I don't want to do unless completely necessary.

He is one of the good guys. He has made it very clear that he isn't going anywhere, he helps motivate me to get out of bed in the morning for work. Sometimes I just want to be able to do it myself but I find it very difficult.

I work part time so I only work a few days a week but I also study at home as well so sometimes I find it very hard to juggle both and a personal life at times. When I had a massive panic attack yesterday morning and couldn't work I had my boss as well as a work mate support me.

I just don't want this to control my life, I want to be able to live a normal life without constantly living in fear of judgement from others or thinking that everyone's talking about me behind my back.

I don't have any friends, only my partner. So I do feel alone a lot of the time. I just want this to stop. I'm not coping anymore. It's unbearable.

[White_Rose]

Dear Hann

Please go to a doctor if only to explore your options. I also refused medication because I felt it made me seem weak. Stupid really as I am happy enough to take an antibiotic.

You can choose whether or not to take medication. It is your choice. The doctor may want to refer you to a psychologist. This is also not the end of the world. Mostly they are very nice people. The doctor can write up a mental health plan which will give you ten free consultations with psychologist. No need to tell anyone except your partner if you feel uncomfortable.

I'm glad you have good support at work. This is fantastic. Also very pleased you have one of the good guys.

One of the tricks depression plays on us is to say we can manage alone. It's not true. There is a book called How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me.  While your brain may not be trying to kill you it certainly is not helping you to get well. It's the Black Dog speaking and he lies. We all know him and keep him in check once we realise how he fools us.

Talking to your doctor will not commit you to anything.  Take your partner along for moral support and listen to what the doc has to say and then make a decision with the help of the good guy.  You know two heads are better than one.

Let us know how you go. Remember to make a long appointment.

LING

[hann1805]

Hi LING

I will make an appointment with my doctor on my next day off from work. I also just get worried about costs but if I get 10 free consultations with a psychologist I should be able to do it. I am the sole provider for my partner and myself so money can be an issue at times.

I know my partner wants to be involved in my recovery. He's even going to take me to his family doctor for some help.

Thank you for your advice, I agree that depression can play its many tricks on us, one mistake I made a while ago was thinking I can do it on my own. Now I'll never be alone, as long as I have my partner, my mum (who lives in Queensland so we can only talk via phone).

I will let you know how I go when I go for my appointment.

[geoff]

dear Hann, I am so pleased that you contacted this site and as LING has said there's no one here who has not felt this way, and there are still many who struggle to cope with this endless illness, so all of us, if I can say this have been stuck in these claws of depression.

Unfortunately there are still feelings that this illness is regarded as taboo, and hate the thought of going to a doctor or psych because they deem this as being weak, and are scared of what others may say to us, this is wrong, because eventually it puts us on a different direction in life, and I say this because once we have managed to overcome it or even to a small degree we have then learnt so much in how we accept, treat or even ostracised people who never supported us.

In saying this we can't overcome it by ourselves, and although your partner is very supportive which is really terrific, he may have to learn some coping techniques, which the doctor will be able to tell him, or you could click under 'resources' at the top and order all the printed material from BB which is free, this will also explain coping mechanisms for the both of you.

Please have no fear in seeing your doctor, as they see so many people who suffer from depression and they will start you off on a low dose of AD's, and organise a referral for you.

Please keep in touch with us as there will be times when you just want to vent and we know what you are going through. L Geoff. x

[hann1805]

Thank you Geoff,

I'll order the printed material for my partner, because sometimes he struggles to understand and sometimes uses the 'why can't you just snap out of it' phrase, it would be nice for him to understand a bit more on how to cope himself.

Even though I had to calm myself down a fair bit I did see my doctor and he referred me to a psychologist and started me off on a low dose of AD's

[geoff]

dear Hann, I'm proud of you for doing both.

The biggest problem for people who have never encountered someone with depression is that they believe it's like a tap, you can turn it off when needed, which we all know is absolutely impossible.

It's not an imaginary disease and it's really difficult to explain to anyone when they ask you 'why are you depressed, you have me'.

I would really like to know what you think of the printed material, it may take you awhile to read it but it's good. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Hann

Good to read that you have been to see your GP. That is a huge step. Congratulations.

I see you have been referred to a psychologist. I hope the doctor made a mental health plan so that you can get your first ten consultations for free,

ADs do take a few weeks to kick in so do not expect to feel wonderful in a couple of days. No doubt your GP will be monitoring your progress to see if you are tolerating the medication and if the dose is high enough.

Do you have an appointment soon with the psych? I hope you will let us know how you go.

Cheers

LING