Little hope left

[jakob]

i um , dont know where to start, its been some months now since i have seen my kids. my wife and my home. i'm very sad , my parents are both terminally ill and have buried 3 of their pets in 2 months. i am surrounded by death. my mother is alcoholic and very abusive when she drinks and assaults my father physically , emotionally , and verbally . i protect dad and lock myself in room too. i have nowhere to go. my mother confuses me as being my father and blames me for 30 years of a failed marriage with him. i will never be able to have another partner as I have an STD and will never be able to be with my ex again. I am 38 , no family , no home and no future. i'm so very sad.

[white knight]

Hi Jakob, welcome

You seemed caught up in a situation where it is understandable you are feeling negative and distressed. But it isn't like that all the time, circumstances change and there will be a better life in the future for you I'm sure.

I'd suggest that you visit human services, make an appointment to discuss your parents situation. You are well old enough to take care of them when they are due to enter into an aged care facility. Sad as it is, when people get violent and are not coherent, they are often due for such housing. They need care and that's best where they get it.

On another topic, you don't mention that you see your children. Can you arrange visitations? Have you got a court order allowing you access to then at all? Being a dad and having visitations every fortnight was hard enough without the total severing of them from my life. And courts also take into consideration for the father as well as the mother and most of all your childrens needs. So please reply explaining this situation as to why you are not seeing them.

During the worst times in our lives we feel there is no future. There is a future and its one that you can nurture and plan for.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Jakob~

I'll join Tony in welcoming you here, and I think he is quite right in saying there is a future worth having. At the moment your life is the pits, and has given you a whole load of grief to deal with. I have a strong feeling however that it is only partly circumstances and partly that fact is is all on top of you at once and this has taken you right down.

To be able to cope with adversity you really need to be in the best shape possible. Do you mind if I ask if you have the support of a doctor at the moment? I'd strongly suggest if you have not that you book a long appointment with your GP and set out how you are feeling and all that is happening to you. If in fact you have depression or some similar illness then treatment can make a world of difference.

You may also gain information about the particular STD you have contracted and it's treatment or cure. Also how to maintain a relationship that does not risk infection, which is entirely possible.

Tony is absolutely right, your mother needs assessment, she does not sound capable, if she confuses you and your dad it is most probably a sign of mental deterioration. Actually I'd suspect you, like many, would have found her state most upsetting and it would have taken a big toll on your outlook.

How is your dad? You mention his illness and protecting him however do you think he too is more suitably housed in a home? Alternatively would he be better and happier with you at home for a while? Could you cope with that?

Many fathers are separated or divorced and wish to maintain close contact with their children and if no agreement between the parties can be reached it is a matter for the Family Court, which tends to be more informal and has councilors and facilitators that are available in some circumstances. In you position I'd definitely not let matters rest. Children need a father.

38 is not too late to rebuild a life, I was older when mine fell apart and I met someone else and have a pretty good life now.

Please feel you can talk here as often as you might like

Croix

[jakob]

first of all , thankyou so much for hearing me. Croix and White knight thankyou for help , i will try and answer all questions and thankyou for help. i dont have a court order to see my kids . want to take dad away, and asked him too, he wants to die at home, this is difficult , he has signed a conditional DNR report. police and ambulance ( 000 emergency ) can be sometimes called more than 10 times in a month here , its crazy. I very much miss my home , my partner and my children. my wife is very bitter , she broke up our marriage over facebook messages and will not take a phone call from me.i dont have a regular doctor , but will look into this. I understand that it maybe time to look into care for my mother , i feel as though i am betraying her by doing this though. I miss my children and my wife and my home , i just wish i could go home, but i know that it can never happen.

[geoff]

hi Jakob, please let me welcome you to the site, and the replies by Tony and Croix have been spot on.

I'm very sorry that your parents are terminally ill and that you had to bury their 3 pets, all of this is very upsetting for you.

What your mother is doing are consequences of what drinking alcohol has done to her and has exasperated her way of thinking.

I would consider contacting her doctor who will then contact the social workers responsible for making the decision. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Jakob~

Thank you for saying more, it would be difficult to set it all out.

I can understand the unwarranted feelings of guilt over you mother, even if assessment and a home is the best thing for her and everyone else I suspect it would not feel right. It is after all putting an end to how you saw her, a change of identity in some ways from parent to home resident. I guess you simply have to be guided by doctors and the ACAT team, they will look from an expert's perspective and say what really is best.

If your dad has his views and has made arrangements it shows a clear grasp of realities and if it was me I'd respect him for it, and also respect his wishes. As for the number of ambulance visits would you expect there to be less if your mother was in a different place?

You seem very convinced that your ex and you will never get together. For someone to be bitter normally means there has been feelings there. If you really miss her and the children perhaps she might not be as adamant later on. While you cannot talk with her there is nothing to prevent you sending a letter. Actually having the time to consider and write things down might be the best way. What do you think?

I'm sure you will manage and are starting to sort things out. We are here to talk whenever you want

Croix