Lifelong depression

[Triste27]

I have had depression since my early teens and I am now in my fifties. I have been on anti depressants for 20 years which have been a bit helpful. My mother was cruel. She still is and this has been a source of my depression. I have been to two psychologists but that did not help much. I do everything you are supposed to; sleep well, eat well, exercise, socialise and meditate, yet I am still stuck with this depression. Can anyone else relate to having lifelong depression and if so, do you have any tips? Many thanks.

[therising]

Hi Triste27

As a 55yo gal who's managed ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I've found a number of things that have worked over the years. Of course, what works for one person won't necessarily work for another, based on a number of factors. Also, what generally works won't necessarily work for us under all depressing circumstances. With these things in mind, it's so important to be kind to ourself and patient with ourself as we're coming to know how we tick. 

Just a few of many personal revelations I've hit on over the years

• Understanding how I feel or get a sense of things. I feel through my nervous system and other energy systems in my body, so I need to manage them and the amount and type of energy they generate or experience. I'm always shocked by just how much tension is held and then released from my muscular system when I occasionally have a massage. I also feel through my chemistry, so I need to manage that too. I can feel based on my mindset (including the right and wrong perceptions or beliefs and inner dialogue), so I have to manage my mind in a variety of ways. I feel through a sense of intuition, so I have to manage and develop that. This is how I work on 3 levels - physically, mentally and naturally
• Developing an open and curious mind can involve researching how I tick on all 3 levels. It can be hard to manage or develop what we're not conscious of or don't have some education in. Btw, while my mind used to be closed when I was younger, holding on tightly to the idea I'll most likely always suffer from depression (something that had been said to me, which I believed), I opened my mind to the idea that I have the ability to feel what's depressing. That's one hell of an ability and, yes, it can feel like hell on earth at times. Whether it's a seriously depressing level of B12 deficiency, a depressing lack of dopamine and excitement in my life or some soul destroying situation or person, I can feel it. Btw, mastering an open mind means knowing when to open and close it. Opening and closing it is like breathing. Actually, the original meaning of the word 'inspire' comes from the Latin word 'spirare', meaning 'to breathe'. Inspire means 'to breathe into'. Who or what breathes life into us vs who or what sucks the life out of us is also something that can be felt. Life can definitely feel suffocating if we're not 'breathing' in the right ways. Closing our mind constructively can also mean not breathing in what's toxic, plus it pays to not take in absolutely everything we hear. Discernment or a bit of healthy skepticism can be important
• Managing inner dialogue. I've discovered every facet of myself has an opposing nature. While I have an inner critic, I also have an inner sage that inspires me and is kind with dialogue. Opposing my inner pessimist is my inner optimist. Regarding the undisciplined part of me, there is my inner disciplinarian. The list goes on. With practice it becomes easier to get a sense of which facet is in play, based on the dialogue and how we feel it. When one facet is overdeveloped and the opposing one is underdeveloped, the imbalance can become obvious. While your mum may have fueled your inner critic over the years (to the point where it resembles something like a super buff gym goer), how underdeveloped is your inner critic's opposing nature? How can you begin to give it a workout routine? In meditation, if you were able to tap into that part of yourself, what would it suggest?

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Triste27,

It's great you are reaching out for support. My mother could be cruel also and was many times throughout my life until she died 5 years ago when I was 45. So I know it can deeply affect you in a lifelong way and I've still been working through the impact of it even though she's now passed. In my mother's case, the cause of the behaviour was really her own trauma and untreated mental health issues. I don't know if that's the case for you, but it's helped me to at least understand how she came to be who she was.

One thing that has helped me, and still helps me with my brother who can replicate mum's way of treating me at times, is radical acceptance. I've learned to name certain behaviours for exactly what they are and not hope for something different or try to appease the other person or contest the bad behaviour. Instead I've let go of trying to deal with other's challenging behaviours and focussed instead on what I can do for myself. In relation to my brother, I've set a boundary around behaviour I find acceptable and that which I don't. So I just disengage from him now if he behaves in a pushy, arrogant or hurtful way. It's actually kind of worked as he's picked up on the fact I have a boundary now and his behaviour has definitely improved. I don't know if this would help with your mother or not? I know setting boundaries can be so hard. But for me, I could not stand to be treated cruelly any more and it was just a case of "enough"!!! By radically accepting the poor behaviour exists and deciding on a zero tolerance policy where I just stop engaging, it's improved things. I started saying no to my brother when it felt intuitively the right thing to do to protect myself. So when he expected me to visit him in the city after he had behaved poorly, I just texted I wouldn't be visiting him without needing to give an explanation. It was hard to do at first, but the biggest relief afterwards and the way my body responded I knew I'd done the right thing by myself. I didn't give a reason because it would have fed into creating more issues/drama and there's no obligation to get caught up in explaining. Just politely and clearly saying no sent the necessary message.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the depression, distress and anxiety caused by a family member being cruel did start to alleviate once I just let go of my attachment to trying to maintain the relationship or solve what I'd long perceived as a difficult problem. It took a while to get to the point of that letting go as I feared losing my relationship with my brother for sometime, my only immediate family member left. But I knew I had to care for the part of myself being injured by him. So I guess I'm wondering if you can become protective for yourself, first and foremost? I know how it can take years to do that. It's like a kind of separation that occurs between oneself and the painful attachment pattern, but once it occurs there can be a profound internal shift and sometimes a shift in the other person too. We can't directly change others, only ourselves. But when we do change our own patterns, it can sometimes by default change the way others around us behave and what their habitual patterns are in terms of how they treat us.

I'm not sure if that helps because I don't know of the specific dynamics with your mother and I know it can be complicated, but remember that you can reach for life just for you, nurturing your own interests, hopes, dreams etc. Quite a bit of my own suffering alleviated once I realised I could set myself free from years of abusive patterns of treatment by others, and life opened up to me a lot more.

Take good care and wishing you the best,

Eagle Ray