Life can be like a maze

[Doolhof]

   Hi Everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. I'm going by the name Doolhof which in Dutch means Labyrinth or maze, not that I am Dutch, I just like the word! Some days I feel like I am in a labyrinth and have trouble knowing which way to turn, some days I feel like I am stuck in one place and just looking up at the walls wondering what is beyond, but having no energy at all to find out.

   As a teenager I felt like I knew where I wanted to be going in life, to be a Mum with 4 children, have a house near a beach, maybe a dog and a great relationship with a husband and my extended family.

   Four pregnancies and decades later I have no live babies, don't live anywhere near a beach, have a husband and a cat. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes life and relationships interesting, have a chronic back problem, and experience depression and loneliness, sometimes in almost overwhelming degrees.

   Part of me knows that my life is really great compared to what other people are going through, and then some days I think I am quite close to hell and no one has any idea how I am feeling. It frustrates me when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all I feel like doing is going to bed for the day as I have no enthusiasm to do anything else.

   For me, feeling lonely is one of the hardest emotions to live with, when my mind tells me that no one cares, when I feel like I don't have a friend in the whole world and who would miss me anyway if I did disappear? I am thankful I do have friends who care, sometimes my brain just tells me they don't.

   I have been reading some of the posts written by other people and have appreciated the openness to share thoughts and feelings, it has helped me to understand that other people go through similar things I do. A few of my family members and a friends do not understand depression much at all, and understand "on going grief" even less.

   So many times I have been told to pull my socks up and get on with life. My answer to that is, that  if I could pull my socks all the way up to my head, some days I still would not be able to cope very well. Depression is not a thing you can turn off like a tap.

    How do others out there cope and deal with depression, grief and feelings of loneliness? I will be interested to see where this goes, to see where the labyrinth of life will lead me through the Beyond Blue connection.

[White_Rose]

Dear BeeGee

What a remarkable and warm post you have written. My daughter miscarried at 19 weeks nearly five years ago. We no longer speak of it but the family are all affected and still grieve. But we have got more used to to the fact.

I also love your closing comment.  we're all broken together and that's somehow comforting. It is one of the most powerful ways I have found of making sense of our various wounds.  Thank you so much.

Regards

LING

[Doolhof]

Hi Bee Gee,

Thanks for your wonderful message. I am sorry to read of the loss of your precious Daughter, any loss of life, of a dream, of a hope and desire can be very hurtful and may have deep repercussions in a person's life. Like you wrote, we don't need to feel like we should "get over it", but do need to find a sense of peace and acceptance relating to the grief and the loss.

I often think of our children in a loving way and wonder what they might be doing if they were here with us now. I know I will always carry them around in my heart and believe they are in heaven, not knowing any suffering at all, only immense joy and happiness. I believe too that I will be reunited with them in time and that brings me great joy too.

As we have recently moved house, I have had my husband help me plant roses in the garden in memory of our children, I didn't tell him the sentiment behind the roses, as I knew it would upset him. I was happy and content enough for him to help me.

I too like your last paragraph, and I believe that broken people are sometimes the ones who are more able to help and assist others who are in need of understanding, sympathy, love and care. I am very thankful I have become part of this community, and hope that I may be able to give back as much compassion as I receive from others.

Thank you Bee Gee, I hope you have a day full of hope and peace, from Doolhof.