Life can be like a maze

[Doolhof]

   Hi Everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. I'm going by the name Doolhof which in Dutch means Labyrinth or maze, not that I am Dutch, I just like the word! Some days I feel like I am in a labyrinth and have trouble knowing which way to turn, some days I feel like I am stuck in one place and just looking up at the walls wondering what is beyond, but having no energy at all to find out.

   As a teenager I felt like I knew where I wanted to be going in life, to be a Mum with 4 children, have a house near a beach, maybe a dog and a great relationship with a husband and my extended family.

   Four pregnancies and decades later I have no live babies, don't live anywhere near a beach, have a husband and a cat. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes life and relationships interesting, have a chronic back problem, and experience depression and loneliness, sometimes in almost overwhelming degrees.

   Part of me knows that my life is really great compared to what other people are going through, and then some days I think I am quite close to hell and no one has any idea how I am feeling. It frustrates me when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all I feel like doing is going to bed for the day as I have no enthusiasm to do anything else.

   For me, feeling lonely is one of the hardest emotions to live with, when my mind tells me that no one cares, when I feel like I don't have a friend in the whole world and who would miss me anyway if I did disappear? I am thankful I do have friends who care, sometimes my brain just tells me they don't.

   I have been reading some of the posts written by other people and have appreciated the openness to share thoughts and feelings, it has helped me to understand that other people go through similar things I do. A few of my family members and a friends do not understand depression much at all, and understand "on going grief" even less.

   So many times I have been told to pull my socks up and get on with life. My answer to that is, that  if I could pull my socks all the way up to my head, some days I still would not be able to cope very well. Depression is not a thing you can turn off like a tap.

    How do others out there cope and deal with depression, grief and feelings of loneliness? I will be interested to see where this goes, to see where the labyrinth of life will lead me through the Beyond Blue connection.

[white knight]

Hi Doolhof,

I think, based on optimism, that life is a journey with U-turns and pot holes rather than a maze. A maze seems a trite negative to me. However, I know what you are saying.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people stroll through life, always the same mood, always happy, on the outside anyway and settled. But then again, I had a mother that yelled without warning so often as a young boy I was a nervous wreck. No wonder I ended up with stress related illnesses.

I've mentioned here a number of times, strategies I've used to jump some hurdles. They are, by greatest positive effect first,

a/ Rid your life of negative destructive or uncomfortable people.  They are a good portion of the population. Expect 50% to be eliminated in your mind. Means bumping into them at shops, talk for a maximum of 30 seconds to be polite and - go!   You dont then allow any chance of upset. Halve your social media friends. Reduce the upsets from others.

b/ move to the country??  less stress. no parking metres, calm lifestyle, friendly people, out of the rat race,

c/ Release your superwoman. Stop expecting too much of yourself. Organise your life so you dont get caught up in things that should have been done and you have to rush to do them. Delegate.....if you have to.

d/ Cradle what you have not what you have not. Life deals some with not a perfect life. Your cards were dealt to you...channel your emotions to others what you would have channelled to loved ones had you had the chance.

e/ Spiritual peace, whatever that is for you.

Cyber hug.

[AGrace]

Hello Doolhof,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I guess this will take you wherever you want it to go. Some come here just to read, others to reply, some only stay a short while, and others stick around because we like the sense of community offered by the forums. 

Your story is one of great loss, and I hear you are still struggling with grief. No doubt partly due to the loss of your babies and partly due to feeling like you haven't achieved the white picket fence life. Sadly life is never one big cloud of happiness. Through life we get the chance to feel a whole gamut of emotions. As I too suffer from BPD, I understand that you feel these emotions 10 fold in comparison to others. 

May I ask if you have a treatment team at the moment? Did you do any grief counselling when you lost your babies? How is your husband dealing with this grief?  Do the 2 of you speak openly about your illness? Who do you hear the pull your socks up ccomments from? Wouldn't it be incredible to have an endless supply of socks! If only it were that simple. 

Happy to share some things I've found useful,  and would also love to know what has/n't worked for you in the past? 

Mindfulness,  I think I recommend this on every post because it's become my saving grace. 

Sleep Hygiene

A variety of activities, have a reason to get up scheduled each day . Once you've accomplished this then you may go back to bed

Medication, find the right one and the most efficient dose

Exercise and healthy diet

Rely on friends or family to do difficult tasks, like cleaning or cooking,  they like to feel they are helping

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

I hope you will google some of these suggestions, and do get back to us. 

AGrace

[White_Rose]

Hello Doolhof

Very pleased to 'meet' you. Thank you for telling us your story.

Interesting you name yourself after a labyrinth.  I expect I am being pedantic here, but a labyrinth is not the same as a maze. A labyrinth is a one-path journey. You simply follow the path to get to the centre and then retrace your steps if you want to return. A maze is a series of passages that lead to dead-ends, false turns and you can get lost trying to find your way in or out. While there is a way to navigate the passages you may or may not reach the other side.

So why am I saying this? Not trying to be smart. I think you have hit on a fantastic metaphor. So stay in your labyrinth and just continue to walk the path. Each turn will bring you closer to the centre of your life and along the way you will get stronger and learn more about yourself. On this path you cannot get lost.

Put labyrinth into your search engine. Labyrinths have been around in various forms for thousands of years. The best known now is in the cathedral at Chartres.

Being told to get on with life is not helpful. I wonder what folk think when they make these comments. Perhaps they don't think? The other favourite comment is that other people are worse off than you, as though knowing this makes us well again. Yes I am very thankful that I do not have the troubles and difficulties experienced by some, but that does not make my problems go away. Neither does it make my situation any easier to handle. Still we battle on.

I am so very sorry that your have experienced the dreadful loss of your babies. No matter how much the years diffuse the pain it is always there. AG asked if you received any grief counseling and I believe this is important.  It may be helpful now and perhaps help your sadness.

Living in hell is place we all seem to experience, unfortunately. Not long after I was diagnosed with major depression I also learned I had breast cancer. Years later my daughter asked me why had not seemed concerned and my reply was "Just another day in hell". The good news is you can get out.

There is a book written by someone with BPD. It's called How I Survived While My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me. You may find it interesting and useful.

I hope you keep us posted.

Regards

LING

[Doolhof]

   Hi White Knight and thanks for your thoughts and ideas and for your post in general.

   I will look up "Maze" and Labyrinth" on Google, maybe to the Dutch mind they are much the same! After all we can all interrupt the same things quite differently. Relating a maze to life to me means that some days you can be very happy wandering around aimlessly, not really caring where you end up, you will work out the solution to any problems another day. A maze can be a journey of discover, some days you may feel like you are continuously turning back, retreating and not getting anywhere. Other days you are totally lost and feel like screaming out for someone to show you the way out. Then there are days when you know exactly where you are going, the journey is easy and you are back out in the open world once more going where ever you want to go.

   Letting go of negative people is something I have tried to do. I have managed with some people, but others are not so easy to dismiss when they are family members. I try to see the best in them, try to be happy around them for my own benefit, after all a smile on your face is supposed to make you feel better right?   

   I have moved to the country! That part of it is excellent. I do love the peace and space we now have. I drive through the countryside to work and try to see the beauty around me each day. The stars at night are excellent. Moving is excellent, I just need to remember to not go back and pick up the garbage I thought I had left behind.

   Release the super woman in me! Okay, I will try to think about that one, low self esteem and depression don't really go hand in hand with the image of a super woman! I used to jump off the house tank as a kid with a blanket tied around my neck like a cape, thinking I could fly, maybe I need to do something like that again. Or at least start on releasing a bit of creativity somehow, making the time for it would be a good start.

   I never have been very good at delegating or asking others for help. In the past on some occasions I have had very strong knock backs, so haven't tried much lately. For many years I also had family telling me there was no point celebrating Christmas at our place because we didn't have any children here and Christmas was all about children.

   Spiritual peace, yer I try to look for that. Some days it is very comforting, other days it is lost in the depression and I forget all the positive stuff I have believed in previously.

[Doolhof]

   Hi AGrace. Thanks to you also for your support and suggestions. My grief counselling has never been very favourable. I recently went to my GP and asked if he could suggest a good grief councillor, I went to see her and was basically told I should be thankful I don't have children, and kids aren't everything. That is about the response I have received from other councillors I went to. In the early days after the babies died, I was told I could always have another one in time. Time ran out and the Doctors said no more pregnancies for me. In a way I have accepted that, the risks were too high. It would be nice to have the grief recognised, and for people to realise it is still real for me.

   My husband tells me the babies never existed as far as he is concerned, two babies were stillborn and needed burials.He dislikes me mentioning anything about the babies. He also tells people I have Bi-Polar instead of BPD, even after I have told him about BPD and tried to give him simple information to read about the illness.

   My older sister, Mum, my in-laws and some friends tell me to pull my socks up and get on with life. When my sister in law had their son, my last baby died just two weeks later. I told my sister in law I really wanted to see their son, but I was finding it a little bit difficult. She just told me to get on with life as their son was here and I just had to get used to it.

   As for my support team, what support team! I have had more support and understanding by posting my story here than I have had in many years from anyone else.

   A couple of years ago I attended DBT but like most things, if I don't stick to it I forget about it. Same with Mindfulness, you have to be mindful to keep practising it.

   Sleep hygiene! My husband has sorted that out. He has decided he doesn't like girl germs any more so to speak, so we have separate beds, and now due to his trumpeting snoring, we have separate rooms. So my sleeping is a bit better than it has been in years, but the sense of loneliness, separation, grief for what our marriage once was, feelings of alienation and  disattachment can be very strong some days. I am thankful of a better night's sleep, but sometimes I think the price for it is rather high.

     It is great to just be able to right stuff down and to get it out of my head, as I really don't have anyone close by to share this stuff with. So thanks for being there AGace. Much appreciated. Cheerio for now.

[Doolhof]

   Hi LING, thanks for your thoughts too. You have explained my idea of a maze and a labyrinth being the same thing as not being quite correct. I will Google the words and check them out further.

   I'm sorry to read you had to go through Breast Cancer. I have not experienced cancer personally, but a few loved ones and close family members have. Sometimes I think of depression as a type of "Cancer" in a person's body, heart and soul. It comes into your life and sometimes it is impossible to get rid of it, slowly the depression can eat away at you until there is very little left emotionally to fight it anymore.

   Thanks for the book title. I will look it up and see if I can get hold of a copy. I have a couple of other books on BPD, I just need to get them off the bookshelf and read them again, and work through the exercises that are given to help sufferers get on with their lives.

   I had a pregnancy specialist tell me that time would heal the pain I was feeling after I had given birth to one of our stillborn babies. I asked him if I smacked his toe with a hammer and told him that time would heal his pain, how would he feel about it right at that moment? He told me I was over reacting.

   Life isn't all negative and depressing. I do try most days to think of the nice things that have happened. I saw on one post where people commented on things they have done that have made them feel better, or help them to get through the day. Some of the ideas were very achievable, and I liked that. I could make myself up a list, I would just need to remember to look at it and try some of the things I had written down.

   I did have a laugh the other day when I fed our chooks left over mashed potato. Now that was hilarious seeing it stuck to their beaks, and all over each other as they shook their heads trying to get the big globs of potato off themselves.

   Hopefully I will find other things to smile and laugh about tomorrow, same for all of you out there reading this message. Cheerio for now from Doolhof.  

[HelenM]

Hi Doolhof

My depression is my only problem. It is though that has a major impact on my life. When a bout of depression comes on I feel I am in a maze. I told a friend the other day it was like being in a sandstorm - I lose all sense of direction. But if I stopped till it was over I'd be buried. So I carry on plodding on but haven't a clue where I'm going. 

I am so sorry about your lost children. My daughter had problems getting pregnant (it did work out in the end) but she was devastated by that so it must be terrible for you. Grief doesn't have a time span and I've been told that losing a child is something you don't get over. I sound really negative but I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel.

You ask how others cope. For me I go out and help in a charity shop, join different groups. I wonder if that's possible for you though with a back problem. I wonder too if your back problem adds to your depression. 

There is so much ignorance about mental health, hence pulling socks up seems to some a good answer. I remember a co worker once telling me to just think positively. He was in a wheelchair. I really wanted to say, just get up and walk.

If you're unable to get out the house I would say life must be very tough. Today I have forced myself to stay indoors as I've seriously overdone things and ended in a state of anxiety. Last week was a good week and I forgot I should be careful. But today it's just me and the dog. Because my depression's mild just now I'm managing to get by but trying to fight negative thoughts. Sometimes, as you say, life is just hell. Somehow you have to get through them. Not for anyone else but for you. Coming on here is a step that may take you a bit further towards peace.

What I can say is I really feel for you. Although our problems are not the same, you're sense of feeling stuck resonates with me. I think for me it can be the worst bit of all.

Helen x

[Doolhof]

Hi Helen

   Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to read that your depression keeps you shut inside at times, I understand and recognise those feelings, plus the anxiety as well. Some days it can be difficult to tell ANXIETY that you are actually the boss and not the feelings of anxiety. I have been trying to work on having power and control over my feelings and thoughts.

   It doesn't always work, but I try to listen to the thoughts, consider them, and change them into something more positive. If I am at home I will do a puzzle or read a book, as my mind anyway can't do two things at once. Read a book or think negative, anxious thoughts, I know which one I prefer! If I am in the car driving, I turn the radio up and listen intently to the song and sing along. Little things like that make a huge difference to my day.

      I certainly understand your daughter's desire to become pregnant and the pain she went through having to wait so long. It was 5 years after our marriage before my husband decided we could try for a child. After that pregnancy ended at 20 weeks, it was another 2 years before he was ready for us to try again. And so the story went.

   I have been blessed though with many children coming and going through my life, children of family members, friends and neighbours. I also worked in child care for a while and loved that. Those days were very bitter-sweet sometimes. I so adored and loved the children, but I could never take them home with me.

   I really hope you can find ways to move forward, to get out of the house and feel comfortable about that. Do you take your dog for a walk, even to the end of the street and back is a step in a positive direction.

   I'm wondering if your co worker in the wheelchair had a wonderful support crew of family and friends around him or her or if they were just made of really tough stuff. Having people in your corner makes all the difference in the world to those of us who need a bit of help with the black cloud of depression.

   Thinking of you Helen and hoping that by the end of the day you will have a few lovely thoughts in your mind to be thankful about. I'm thankful for people who care and share on this site, for my morphine patches which help me to go about living a nearly normal life, for physios and massages,  and for being able to drive to my places of work out in the country where I can see and enjoy nature around me.

   Cheerio for now from Doolhof "life in a maze"

[BeeGee]

Hi Doolhof,

I'm so sorry to hear your painful story of loss. I won't pretend I've been through the same level of loss but I do share some of your pain. We lost our third child at 30 weeks and I think that was one of the most gruelling, shattering experiences of my life.  I can't imagine going through that four times - what hell.  It's a testament to your true strength that you survived such an experience still able to function at all.

One of the most helpful things someone said to me at the time was that you don't "get over" a loss like that - rather, you learn to live with it. It becomes a part of your normality, and although time doesn't heal, it does let you get used to the way you feel.  Fifteen years on, I've found it to be true. The pangs for my lost daughter are still there, but I'm used to them and they don't rip me to shreds like they used to. In a weird kind of way, I treasure those feelings, since that is really all I have left of her.

Thanks for joining our dysfunctional community. I hope you find strength, support and encouragement here - we're all broken together and that's somehow comforting.