lack of understanding emotion

[doonzy]

hi all

im a 30yr old male and started my first ever mental health plan last yr just before chrissy. originally i went to my gp as my wife said my mental health hasnt been great and that she thought i needed to see someone to talk about it. i really struggle to not only show emotion but to understand and pick up when i am feeling emotions and what the emotion is. this along with my lack of motivation, always feeling tired and feeling like noone really cares or understands has gotten me to where i am now. is it normal for people to not feel emotions?? also is it possible to not be thinking anything? unfortunately because of all this my marriage is heading south, we have 2 kids together and 1 step child and it feels like im losing everything i hold dear. i had started seeing a mental health professional but for some reason i was expecting him to have answers for me like if this was a maths sum. hoping that 1+1=2 and he would go this is how we fix it. my deepest fear now is that maybe i have never actually felt or shown emotions but rather mimicked and faked them to what i think they should be which makes me feel like a complete phony.

has anyone else had these problems and how do i go about finding answers
thankyou in advance and i hope everyone is doing well

[therising]

Hi doonzy

Feeling emotion is an interesting topic and it's one that can be approached from different angles. Give you a scenario involving someone who's suffering stress, based on the challenges posed by an unreasonable spouse

• A psychologist would ask 'How are you feeling?' mentally/thought wise. The response may be 'My husband/wife is always demanding things of me and it's really creating a lot of tension'.
• A physician who focuses on the physical would ask 'How are you feeling?' You might respond with 'I have so much shoulder and neck pain on top of these headaches I just can't seem to shake'.
• A holistic practitioner who focuses on the mental, physical and natural aspects of self would ask 'How are you feeling the sensations in your body in connection to the thoughts in your head?' This is where it becomes interesting. This practitioner may suggest 'So you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, as your spouse continues to be a pain in the neck and all this is doing your head in'. Metaphors can definitely offer us ways of feeling and addressing emotion.

With the mind and body being great communicators with each other, sometimes it's just not enough to say 'I feel happy' or 'I feel sad', in order to try and pick up on how we're really feeling emotionally. I know it sounds pretty weird but often I'll search for how I feel in regard to others, so that I can better understand my relationship with them. For example, a friend or family member can enter the room and suddenly I might feel a sensation as though my heart just drops. You know, like that feeling of when you're in a lift and the lift starts moving. You can feel the motion. It becomes a bit of a wake up call for me, leading me to ask 'Why does this person bring me down' or why does this person leave me feeling 'heavyhearted'? Heavyhearted is the term I would use in this case of labeling an emotion. 'Upset' would not be accurate or descriptive enough in helping me get to the bottom of how I'm feeling in this case.

I find once I start looking for sensations, it's easy for me to address how I'm feeling. If I'm not looking, I find nothing.

In considering that energy in motion (emotion) is how we feel life, there may be times when something or someone is 'sucking the life (or energy) out of us', leading us to feel numb. Another question: Are we putting enough of the right energy in - food wise, hydration, excitement and so on. How are we looking after our self?

🙂

[Rumples]

Hi doonzy :0)

Thank you so much for reaching out, I know that it’s not an easy thing to do. I’m so sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like it's a really overwhelming and difficult time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express your thoughts and feelings, and I, along with our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

First of all, it's brilliant news that you've sought sought professional help. You might not think so right now, but a great medical practitioner can slowly, but surely, get you back on track. It's taken a looooong time for you to descend down to where you are now, and it'll take a while to be able to bring you back up again. So, don't lose faith in your mental health professional just yet. Give them a fighting chance to pull you up from the depths, it will take some time. Have faith.

I can totally relate to what you'e said. I too was once EXACTLY where you are now. I must admit, it was slightly unnerving reading your words as it was as though you'd read a page from my past. No emotion, unable to feel either happiness, sadness or even loss of a loved one. I was just - blank, and nothing phased me. Don't get me wrong, I smiled and laughed and blended in with those around me, like a chameleon, and I knew I loved my partner and children, I knew that, I just didn't feel it. It's weird I know, but that's how it was. Looking back, it must have been very difficult for those around me who cared for me.

"I really struggle to not only show emotion but to understand and pick up when i am feeling emotions and what the emotion is". I was the same and it was later attributed to my time in the Police Force where I had to suppress all the horrors I saw on a daily basis. Have you suffered a trauma in your past that may have triggered this?

"Always feeling tired and feeling like no one really cares or understands". These are classic signs of the old Black Dog, depression. Also, been there, done that. Depression can also render you emotionless as everything feels "flat" and colourless. Have you discussed this with your medical professional?

"Is it normal for people to not feel emotions?" It most certainly is NOT normal doonzy, by any standards. Most people feel something. What you are experiencing is very unnatural and unhealthy for you and everyone around you that you hold dear.

Back to you friend

Rumples :0)

[doonzy]

i understand exactly what you mean but its like my body doesnt give me many of those sensations either. like for example atm im feeling nothing, and there is nothing im thinking about just complete emptyness and i know thats not right. my wife is constantly going to me that how can i think of nothing when she has 10 things going on at once.

as far as putting the right energy in i think i do. i eat healthy, drink plenty of water and try to exercise once a day. admittedly my job is very physical as well so that helps with the working out. have you ever read up about Alexithymia?? its something that has popped up in a search i did recently and it sorta explains how i feel my body operates. that along with depression is surely not a good thing i feel like im alone and noone can read what im trying to say or do.

[doonzy]

hey rumples

yeah there is some trauma there, some from a car accident and also some stuff that happened when i was younger involving what i thought was a good friend. Its something that i have only recently disclosed to my family and practitioners so its very raw but i have been holding it for the good part of 15 years or even more.

from that and also being a bigger guy in top level sports i learnt to pretty much bottle everything up and let my skills do the talking. but since my car accident a few yrs ago i lost the ability to be able to use my craft to do the talking and is probably why im in such a big hole atm plus i have realised that bottling it all up is not good for anyone.

i completely agree with the no feeling of anything i had a close family member die recently and looking at the photos of me from that day and then also my wedding photos from earlier that year you prob couldnt tell the difference. i know it must take a huge toll on my family and i want to fix it for them but i just dont know where to start or who to see. how do you explain what is happening to someone we love without making it sound like you dont care or that your not stressed or worried about anything. i want to be stressed over things i should be but i just cant.

[therising]

Hi doonzy

Depression is exhausting and I don't need to tell you how emotionally numbing it can get. I recall saying to folk, all those years ago when I was depressed, 'If I won 5 million in lotto, I wouldn't feel excited. I would feel nothing other than the emptiness I feel now. If I could trade the 5 mill for a life outside of depression, I would give every last cent'. Typical response, 'No you wouldn't. That's crazy!' To someone in a deep depression it makes perfect sense (you would trade the lot). Even after having my 2 babies who are 14 and 17 now, I felt nothing for them. They were simply little things that led me to suffer more. That's pretty much how I saw them. In my mind, back then, they drained me and led me to feel that not only was I a failure at life but that I was a failure at being a mother. I resented them. I know that sounds terrible but that's depression for you. The reality is, I resented the exhaustion, I resented all the people who didn't step up to the degree that would make all the difference and I resented being stuck in lifelessness. I'd just switch off, with little understanding of why. I was emotionally exhausted.

Nowadays, when I switch off my emotions, I know why I'm doing this. For example, I can easily switch off from my husband and I've told him this. Sounds harsh, I know. In fact (when he's not working) he's happy to laze in front of the TV and drink rather than occasionally have a stimulating conversation or go on adventures with me. This used to lead me to feel completely worthless (not worth the effort) and has been going on for years. Now, I reconnect only when he puts more in. By the way, I've put a massive amount of effort in over the years. Switching off emotions can serve as a practical ability but only when it's a conscious ability. Depending on the degree, it creates either order or a sense of disorder.

My heart always breaks a little when I think of how hard boys/men have it regarding emotional limitations. While we gals have it easy, being accepted as 'highly emotional', for guys the constant suppression is a horrible form of conditioning (don't cry/vent, 'suck it up and get on with things' etc etc). It's an often accepted form of social conditioning/emotional abuse that can lead to great sufferance.

I'm hoping that as you begin to open up more over time, emotions will begin to surface. Some of them may be incredibly tough to face and some, I pray, will offer you great relief in reconnecting you to life.

🙂

[DarkHorseRunning]

hi there,

I've never posted on here before but I just did a search at the top of the website for "Alexithymia" because I just recently came across this term myself and this post came up and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. Because I know that's how I've felt for the longest time - like I'm the only one experiencing this and I'm just now discovering through googling and watching countless YouTube self discovery videos/psychology videos that Alexithymia might be the best way I can describe what is happening to me to someone who might not have any idea what Im going through. I can't offer you advice or any solutions because I'm still figuring that out and have just started seeing a therapist myself but it's nice to know you're not the only one experiencing it so thought I'd make an account to tell you that.

Its crazy. Just one instance, I remember when my mum was diagnosed with cancer, she told us all and my dad cried and my siblings cried and she was crying and I knew that's what I should be feeling and I should've been crying too but I just didn't feel the sadness or shock physically in my body? And so in that moment I guess I hugged her and said "I'm so sorry" and tried to appear sad looking I guess but I know that wasn't representative of what I was physically feeling in my body, it was just nothingness, emptiness. It's like you now learn to mimic actions or behaviours or words that someone experiencing that emotion would normally do or say so that you don't appear heartless or like you don't care. Its like you want to feel emotions so bad but its almost as if your body is stopping you from doing so maybe to protect us as a defense mechanism? But in disconnecting us from our negative emotions it's also done the same for positive emotions so I no longer feel excitement or joy as well as not feeling sadness or anger even though I want so bad to feel it. The only emotion I feel is frustration that I cannot feel. It's almost like a superpower? It's like nothing can hurt me because I just won't react emotionally to it, my body physically doesn't remember how. Anyway, this is just my experience.

I wish you all the best and hope we both figure out how to connect with our emotions again and just know you're not the only one going through this.

[AlwaysForgotten]

Hey Doonzy,

Not sure if you can relate to this, but in many ways I am the opposite to you. I always know what I am feeling in very minute detail, but I dont always "feel" it as such, it is more that I notice it is there. What struck me in similarity is that there have been times in my life where things were overwhelming & when that happened I went into this strange mode of no longer feeling anything at all. It wasn't something I was in control of & it lasted for several months. I would say that it concerned me, but I couldn't even feel concerned so it was just something that was mentally noted.

It has me wondering if perhaps this is a self defense mechanism, something the brain does when there has been trauma to just disassociate you with everything that is going on, like a circuit breaker that kicks in.

The fact that you recognize that this is not the state you want to be in is positive & I think being honest with those closest to you may be helpful. They have no doubt felt the lack of emotion coming from you, so reassuring them that it is something you are going through & not that you dont care may help them understand you better. It is one thing to struggle with something on your own, while others helplessly watch you go through it, and it is another to struggle through something with others & allowing them on the inside of this shows them that you are still committed to the relationships you have.

At the end of the day, something important to remember is that words (and sometimes even feelings) do not matter as much as actions do. While you may not say or feel something, if your actions reinforce that you care, that can sometimes mean more

Hope it helps