l worry about myself and what will become of me.

[Guest_1584]

Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.

New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.

l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.

But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.

l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.

l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.

l still eat and sleep , but only just.

And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.

l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.

life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.

It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.

l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.

Just don't know anymore.

[Guest_1584]

Eh Paul .

No worries l know nobody has to respond but hey, it's nice having a bit of a chat with you mate and others about also.

So sorry about your daughters sitch paul, you sound like a good man that l could imagine being an easy going and gentle dad which is a great way to be l believe. And yeah, he was right , and even when we do eff up, it's gonna happen , but time and patience can work their magic l've found.Must be painful knowing she's going through whatever but not being able to help . But what you were saying about being there is a huge thing a believe and something l always assure mine of the same. Funny thing , and just between you and me because if she heard me saying it she'd probably cringe , but she rang me last Sat and had the hike idea , which was huge for me l was so pleased she did. lt's usually me saying wanna do this or can l come grab you tomorrow or that or whatever so it meant a lot to me her texting me first with the idea for once. l almost feel like a pest sometimes trying to get some time with her. Don't get much , but as ya know if you don't push it a bit with this type of thing , you'll hardly see them.Lucky to get a day or two a wk these days . But as some people have said to me hey , you have free wkends and some time of your own for the first time since you split with the ex , lap it up and enjoy yourself , she's happy with friends and bf at the moment just being a teen.

suppose they're right , must admit , it isn't bad having free wkends for a change l must say or if we do catch up on wkends it's usually Saturdays so l got the rest free then .

Gf and l , ahhh, thanks for that man but,,,, l'm afraid we've parted company. The good news is though that l must be getting use to it because we've been pretty on off all year due to some problems. And the other thing is , as mind blowing as she can be , we can be , she did also have some pretty serious personality issues and tbh, not too sure how much longer l could go on dealing with them sadly anyway. So as brillant and fun as she could be, she was also a very big pain in the ass too and it just wore you down again and again , soooo, l dunno. it might even be a blessing that l need to accept for my own good and peace because a smarter man could say l dodged a bullet tbh. It hurting but at the same weird time , l'm also beginning to breath again if you know what l mean sooo, we see.

Anyway all the best mate and thanks for the kind words, l hope whatever sh@ts hitting the fan for you atm lightens up a bit for ya soon eh. l'm in Vic and for some strange reason l'm feeling exited about summer this year, even a bit tingly so maybe it means something good awaits . Everythings crossed.

Take care eh.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Everyone, 

This appears to be a double up for another thread in the long term board. We're going to close this one off. 

Please continue the conversation here: Feel like I'm going crazy