Just exhausted

[Stressed Guy]

Hey everyone,

I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything lately. My life, this pandemic, my past, present and future and I just wanted to say I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm exhausted with my depression, anxiety and ocd. Apart from clearing out stuff from the house (So my parents and I can sell our house and move) as well as studying a diploma of travel and tourism online I don't do much else. I want to read more, watch more movies, maybe play more video games but I can't be bothered too. I sometimes cry for a couple of hours at night about negative statements people have said to me in the past and my sleeping is all over the place.

I just feel like I've wasted my 20s and some of my best years in general. I'm 26 and haven't gotten my act together and haven't enjoyed a lot of things in life. Damn, I feel old.

Another thing is before this pandemic started is that I came up with a 5 year plan that I thought would be achievable. After all of this I'm not so sure about anything anymore.

One of my goals is to publish some short stories and possibly become a screenwriter in the future (I'm studying a Bachelor of Arts next year) but I don't know how to go about making that happen. To be fair it's probably a 10-15 year plan for that one but it feels like a pipe dream that's never going to happen along with some of my 5 year goals like making friends, having a girlfriend or getting a job.

Maybe I'm not meant to make friends, get a girlfriend or be happy. I just seem to piss a lot of people off and more importantly I piss myself off. I continually think " What is wrong with me?" and when people don't like me I blame myself constantly. I was also rejected at tafe by a girl last year who I was starting to trust along with a couple of other people too. Now I don't trust anyone and just assume if people are nice to me that they want help with something (That's a whole other story I'm not going to get into)

It feels tiring to be me (Even before this pandemic started) I also want to add that maybe it's okay if I'm not happy. I have pretty low self esteem and am socially inept so it feels like I never quite fit in and whether that continues or not I just don't know.

I have thought about suicide but to be honest I would never kill myself. Sometimes my brain and heart just hurt a lot I guess when I think about all of this.

Thanks for reading,

John

[Sophie_M]

Hi Stressed Guy,

We're so glad that you reached out tonight, and are sorry to hear you are feeling exhausted and disappointed right now.
We empathise with how difficult it is. Please know that our community is here to support you and hear what you are feeling and experiencing. Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you.

We would also recommend that you speak to a counsellor and get as much support as possible. You can contact the Beyond Blue Support Service, available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

 

[uncut_gems]

Hi Stressed Guy,

Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this, in the middle of a pandemic no less.

I'm almost the same age as you and often feel similarly about aging and running out of time to do the things I want. But so many people who I look up to and whose work I admire got started later in life, or were in completely different places in their twenties from where they ended up. It might sound like a silly example, but there is a successful podcaster and critic I really admire who always jokes self-depricatingly about how much he screwed up his twenties and didn't do anything (much, much less than you are doing now lol). Any day I feel like that, I think about that and know that better, more meaningful days can be ahead. I'm certain there is at least one person in your life who works as a similar example.

We're both quite young. In my limited experience, what are meant to be the "best years" by conventional wisdom certainly have not been. I think those happen at very different times of life for different people.

Although I don't know you personally, I truly don't believe that you are "not meant" to be happy or have the things you want in life. I can tell just from your post that you are sensitive and reflective, and seem to have some cool interests and an academic plan. Even if the pandemic scrambles those plans, I doubt it will be enough to throw you off the path.

Now is a great time to get more into books and movies, and to see what holds your attention and what you feel like watching during these times. There is a "social distancing film club" thread (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/social-distancing-film-club/) that you're welcome to browse and post in. I'm always happy to talk about all things media, listen to your thoughts, and make or take some recommendations!

I want to echo Sophie's comment about the importance of finding a counsellor and getting some more long-term support. In the meantime, I hope you'll consider sticking around the forums. We're all going to get through this in one piece, by hook or by crook.

Warmly,
Gems

[Stressed Guy]

Hi Sophie,

I'll probably book in to see a psychologist after we move but I appreciate the advice.

Hi Uncut Gems,

Thanks for your response. Honestly between trying to make our house look presentable by tidying things up and my Diploma I guess I'm kind of tired mentally and emotionally.

I have some really good days where I read a bit, watch a bit of TV but then there's other days where I feel flat (Like today) I'm not watching anything lately and the last comic I read was over a week ago.

I guess my sleeping hasn't been that great over the last month. I sometimes sleep less than 6 hours per night.

I just wanted to say thanks for what you wrote. It made me feel better about my life as a whole.

Also that last line you wrote where you said "We're going to get through this in one piece by hook or by crook" is something my dad said lol. Just thought I'd mention that weird coincidence.

John

[uncut_gems]

Hi John,

So good to hear from you. How is the move coming along? It sounds like things will settle down a lot once that's done, and you can focus on other important things like sorting out a counsellor or just getting some rest. Moving is so exhausting.

I'm glad you're able to get into reading and TV– I know from the other thread you know a lot about it. Are you able to get out of the house at all for a bit of exercise, or maybe to explore a new hobby? I can imagine that the lifting restrictions might give you some breathing room now.

Do you ever listen to audiobooks or podcasts? They can be a great way to passively entertain yourself if you don't have the energy to physically sit and read, and you can listen to them while doing chores or going for a walk. They're a major part of my personal mental health.

And lol that's a favorite phrase of mine 🙂

Talk soon!

Gems