Just can't keep doing this

[lostblackbird]

I feel like I'm stuck in a revolving door, no sooner am I feeling "okay" and that I'm coping..finally, after so long, that I come crashing down again. This time last year, I'd been discharged from hospital for a 2nd suicide attempt in a matter of weeks..and one of many over the course of the last 17yrs in my life.

I get tired of hearing how I need to focus on my kids, that life is great and how it will all be better, soon. When is soon ? I get tired, frustrated and overwhelmed with trying to explain to others how I just don't feel like "me" anymore..whoever the hell that used to be. I'm 34 and I hate more than anything that I still wake up of a morning.

Surviving this last 12 months isn't a sign of strength to me but rather one of failure..that yet again, something I'd set my mind to do, has come unraveled. 
I get asked to make promises from friends and family to not hurt myself..to not put myself in harms way..and so, on the outside, for the most part - I look fine. But I have found new ways of punishing myself..new ways of hiding how low and desperate I feel, I don't want to explain anything anymore. I just want it to stop.

[ModeratorA]

Dear lostblackbird. Thanks for posting to the beyondblue forum. There is a real community here  that can support you. Keep reaching out like you have to get connected. It sounds as if you have had a lot of struggle over the years. At times your difficulties have been overwhelming. You are connected to services which have been able to support you to stay alive but you haven't felt a real quality to your life. Perhaps being part of the bb community will help you with this.  Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.  Given things are so low at the moment perhaps it is a good time to revisit your worker or GP (where ever it is you gain support from) and let them know what is happening.

Keep in touch,

the moderators

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

It sounds like there's a lot of noise coming at you - "focus on the kids, blah, life is great, blah, promise you won't do anything, blah".  Do you have earmuffs (coping mechanisms)?  Is there anything you can turn to when the world is just too much?  Things like alcohol, music, drugs, meditation, church, zumba, and frivolous sex to shoo away the cold, dark world.  Basically.. escapism.  Some of those are obviously safer than others, and you want to choose one/s that will leave you feeling energised and ready to face the world again rather than one that'll suck you in and make itself your new world.

Yeah, talking about all this stuff a lot can definitely be emotionally draining.  It's alright to just tell people that, when you feel that way.

Speaking of waking up in the morning, I think the manner in which that's done is a rather important thing!  I currently have my alarm set to play Grieg's "Morgenstimmung", and my bed angled to look out the window at the rising sun, which starts things off with a very nice vibe.  All I need now is to train some birds to land on me.

[HelloIamYellow]

I agree with Batman. You should try escapism (maybe not alcohol or drugs which may make you worse off)

Have you though about TRUE escapism, meaning taking a small or longer vacation in another country? I am Canadian and before coming here I was really depressed (family problems, cold weather, ugly apartment, no girlfriend etc.). I took a working visa for Australia and I love it! I can try many new things and people here are very friendly. I also find the streets very clean and I feel safe everywhere (I can't believe some hosts of places I've stayed here don't lock their doors at night!)

Since you have kids that might be more difficult for you to accomplish but maybe a family member, an aunt etc. could take care of them for a period of time? You may not even need to go to another country; go see another city and if you like it just move there with your kids! Just try not being too impulsive with all of this like I was and plan things thoroughly.

Good luck!! I kiss you! 😄