It’s The Lies I Tell Myself

[TRese]

Hi, I'm new here because I can’t continue lying to myself about how depression and anxiety are really affecting my life. I’ll say things like “I’m an introvert, so I don’t really like socialising because I actually enjoy my own company” or “I’m very independent, so I need my own space and freedom” but the honest truth is, I’m afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt, so I push everyone away first - family, friends, colleagues and partners.

I’m no different to anyone else, I have shame, guilt, insecurities, trust issues, trauma, confidence issues, anger etc. but these things drive me to isolate myself excessively (in more ways than one).

My greatest desire and greatest fear are the same thing; letting people see the real me (as I truly am). The side of me that the world sees, is the version I’ve created, so that the real me can stay hidden (safe from harm) but I’m honestly so lonely - it was a struggle to even write “I’m lonely” because until now, I’d lied to myself so much, that I convinced myself that I’m 100% content (and or happy) with being alone (even for the rest of my life).

I want to challenge the lies and beliefs that are holding me back (no longer serving me) and this post is the first (honest) step in the right direction.

[Aaronsis]

Hi TRese

Welcome to the forum it is so wonderful that you have reached out to have a chat about your depression and anxiety. You have come to the right place to get some support and comfort.

I wanted to say how very well in touch you are with how you are feeling and this is such a great start.

You mentioned that your greatest desire and your greatest fear at the same time is letting people see the real you...can I ask you a question? What is going to happen to you if you do that? My opinion in this world is made up of all sorts of people as you well know, we only cross a very small portion of these people in our lives. We don't get along with some and some we take as our nearest and dearest and some turn out to be family, whom we have no control over. My point is that what is the very worst thing that is going to happen if you show someone who you are...that they decide that you are not for them...and you know what ..that is totally fine. But you know what else might happen, you may meet some people that you have the most amazing and wonderful connections with as you are being true to you and letting yourself be whole and true ...how very wonderful.

I know that what I am suggesting is very overwhelming and a very daunting concept and if it was that easy sure..you would have done it by now...but small steps and trying something small each day that is true to you, it might be as small as saying hello to someone who you would love to chat to but think you better not. Small steps ...like peeling an onion, one layer at a time until the real TRese has been born.

Maybe a trip to your GP to have a chat to see if there is some professional advice that they can offer to help with some of the anger, trauma issues. I am by no means a professional, just someone who cares.

I feel like this is a really exciting time for you and I am so pleased you have reached out to chat and I am not sure if I have helped in any way but I would love to chat some more to you.

Hope today brings a smile for you

AS

[TRese]

Hi Aaronsis,


Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, it certainly brought me a smile today and gave me a lot to reflect on.


You’ve summed up the finer details of my greatest fear / desire beautifully. You’ve hit the nail on the head, it’s only going to go one of two ways; I’m myself and they decide that I’m not for them or I’m myself and there’s a chance to make a connection - in whatever capacity that may be. I guess I’ve been, amplifying the fear in my mind by thinking “what if ... that person isn’t satisfied with ‘deciding I’m not for them’, what if they start terrorising me or being malicious, to show how much they hate me (and or want to hurt me)”. As I wrote that, I realised that I’m reliving past situations, when this has occurred but now I’m using it as a blanket template for future interactions - such a limiting belief. Do you ever have similar thoughts, beliefs that no longer serve you?


I like that you highlighted that the world is made up of all sorts of people, I needed to hear that because the story I’m telling myself is “everyone can potentially hurt you (if given the chance), just like everyone who’s hurt you in the past”. Everyone is different and like you said “you may meet some people that you have the most amazing and wonderful connections” - I’ll have a zero chance of this happening, if I don’t give myself the opportunity to try and open up.


Thank you for openly acknowledging that this is a “daunting concept”, it’s comforting to know someone understands how challenging it can feel to simply connect with people (even in a small way because for the most part, I feel like I’m bothering them). I think a hello to someone that I’d like to chat too, is way to test the waters.


Thank you for your GP suggestion Aaronsis, it’s nice to know someone cares enough to share their insight and advice. I’m currently seeing a psychologist for anger, trauma, self esteem and a few other issues. In my therapy, I’d been trying to work on opening up - honestly, if my therapist gave me two options; a) open up or b) swim across a croc infested creek with meat strapped to you - obviously, b would be way less frightening but funnily enough, here I am opening up online - where there’s a will, there’s a way!

Again thank you so much Aaronsis, you‘ve helped more than you could know. Lastly, I’d also like to chat to you some more as well.


Hope you’ve had a great day and hopefully will speak to you again soon.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear TRese,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out!

Even though you may have lied in the past about how you really feel, taking that first step and being honest about what is really going on, it is a 'giant leap' in the beginning of the recovery process.

Have you thought about, or would you/could you perhaps consider talking to a counselor about what is going on for you? I must say that the word 'trauma' kind of jumped out at me, and I know from personal experience that isolating myself from others, and withdrawing from my friends and family was also a tool of sorts that I used to try and protect myself from further hurt and trauma ........ but all it really did was help it to 'grow in the dark' .... trauma is a bit like a mushroom; if you keep it in the dark and feed it with bullcrap, it'll grow for sure. But a mushroom is a fungus, and really, do you want an emotional or mental 'fungus' of sorts to be growing in your head?!

Of course, writing is also a great tool, and one that I have always loved. I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember, and these days I particularly love the anonymity of being on here, but the 'buffer' that writing is; it's like I can write it all out, but I don't really know who is gonna see it. So it's like having a double win; I get things off my chest and outta the mushroom fungal environment, and yet I am still 'protected' somewhat in that I don't have to really let anyone in too close.

So yeah, whatever you decide to do next; be it counseling or hanging out here a bit more, please know that every time you share and be honest about what is going on, is a step in the right direction.

I do hope that I have helped at least a little, and I want to say again; well done for reaching out and being honest. Even if it is just with yourself to begin with.

Keep coming back, if you want, for as much or as little as you like. And take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[TRese]

Hi Soberlicious96,


Thank you for responding and can I start by saying your profile pic put a smile on my face.


It’s uplifting to be able to speak with other people, who understand and have had similar experiences - knowing that your not the only one is comforting.


Thank you for you suggesting counselling and recognising trauma because you’re spot on. I currently see a psychologist fortnightly, to work through my trauma and other issues - we’ve been working on, opening up.
I like that you understand that isolating is a tool that’s used to ‘stay safe’, but that you highlighted that all it does is help trauma 'grow in the dark'. I genuinely love that you’ve helped me to visualise trauma as a mushroom (an emotional and mental ‘fungus’) in my mind - I don’t want to let it continue to ‘grow in the dark’.


I’ve also found journalling has help me too. Do you write everything in one journal or do you have multiple journals? I wasn’t even aware that these online forums existed until 24 hours ago, but I wholeheartedly share your love for the anonymity of being on here. “The 'buffer' that writing is; it's like I can write it all out, but I don't really know who is gonna see it.” - this resonates with me and I need this. I think I’ll take your advice and hang out here for a little while.


Thank you for your words of support and wisdom, for sharing your experiences and mushroom metaphors. You’ve helped shed some light on the darkness, so I can take another step forward in the right (honest) direction.


Please take care as well Soberlicious96, thank you for your kindness xo

[Aaronsis]

Hi TRese

I am so very happy to hear that you have found the support here so helpful and that we have given you some comfort and some hope that things can get better.

I am so happy to see that you got what I was trying to say in that some people are going to like you and some are not and that is totally fine, I hear that you are struggling with the "what if's", what is going to happen if they dont like you, I understand what you are feeling but mostly people dont react in rage if they don't like someone and I know you do know this and that it is your anxiety talking to you.

I hear how terrified you are at opening up, and that is I think mostly true for all people, is it hard to reveal yourself and that you are "less than perfect" and that you are struggling and have daily stressors, but you can start with baby steps, just start TRese and I am sure you will see how wonderful you are and how far you can come and the real TRese starts to emerge. No one on this earth is perfect, no one, and as you will see here, so many of us are fighting every day our own little battles that on one knows about, you are so not alone.

You do have the fabulousness of being anonymous here and purging in a totally safe space and getting some support and I am so very glad you have. This too is another step forward for you.

Hope you can do something today that brings another smile to your face, you so deserve it.

AS

[TRese]

Hi Aaronsis,


Thank you for your message.
I agree with you, the ‘what if’s’ are definitely the anxiety talking, but until you mentioned it, I wouldn’t have called it that and would have put it down to sometime else like ‘just being cautious’.

Another key point I took from you message was “mostly people dont react in rage if they don't like someone”- light bulb moment. Have you had your own experience with the ‘what if’s’ in the past?
I got so caught up in my own anxiety (and in my mind) that I couldn’t see that, like you said “so many of us are fighting every day our own little battles that on one knows about”, and that I’m not alone.

Your words have been encouraging and I’m going to take your advice and start to try, so the real me can emerge. I’m going to keep using the safety of BB to purge anonymously, one baby step after another.


You have been very helpful Aaronsis and I’ve noticed that you have quite a lot of posts, it’s awesome what your doing. I imagine that you’ve helped a lot of people with your words of encouragement and support, sharing your own experiences and insight.


I hope doing what you do brings a smile to your face each and everyday.

[Aaronsis]

Hey TRese

Just up in the night and saw your post..will chat more tomorrow but I just wanted to say THANK YOU.

I have got alot of posts, I love it here, the community the people that share their everyday struggles...I hope that one little bit of what I went/go through is enough to help someone else in their darkest moment.

I will say one thing to you though...your last post is why I am here......you have made me so very happy in that I have been able to give you some comfort, that is all I want, to help another human....so thank you for your beautiful message.

Chat soon TRese

AS

[TRese]

Hi Aaronsis,


You’re most welcome and thank you for yours. The community and the people that share their everyday struggles, I can see why you love it here - it’s become a new found love for me too. People’s honesty and kindness towards each other is a reminder that there will always be good in the world. Do you have any advice on, things you’ve done, that have helped you with what your going and or have gone through?


I’m glad to hear that you feel happy about being able to help shed some of your light on, the darkness that I felt.


Hope your enjoying your weekend

[Aaronsis]

Hi TRese

You are so very right in "The way you speak to yourself matters"..I love your profile pic.

I am so please that you have found your home here too, it really is the goodness in the world and the support and comfort of others is profound. You asked me about some of my tools to cope....the truth is I didn't really cope in the beginning, I have never been effected or really known much about suicide so it hit me like a plank over the back of the head, not only the sheer desperation of losing my brother, but the way in which it happened. If my father had of said he died in a car accident I would have been able to reconcile that in my brain but suicide...WHAT....so not only did I start to grieve but I had to learn and I am not sure if you have seen my original post on here but it is me..trying to find an answer ...so desperate...but here I found my peace.

I had some pretty intense counselling which was amazing and I talked alot....talked all the time and cried and cried....and then the anger turned into empathy..for others..and here I am..

Don't get me wrong I still have rough days, especially when I am with my dad and to see how broken he is...but each day we take a step forward..together.

How are you feeling today, how is your journey to reveal YOU going?

Chat really soon

AS