It's like looking from the outside in and it is not you

NellieJ · ‎04-06-2014

I've been on and off this site that many times.Scared and nervous about what to say, here goes. There are times when I feel happy, but there is an enormous amount of times that I just don't feel right. I can't concentrate on things, feel restless a lot of the time, burst into tears at the slightest, and not know why. I think not knowing why I have these feelings is the thing that worries me the most. Which just makes me feel even worse. Sometimes when I have been sitting with friends, everyone is laughing and having a good time. I get the feeling of isolation. I then put on a front that I'm enjoying what is going on. It's like looking from the outside in and it is not you. It's like being on a roller coaster. I can exude confidence really well and hide the way I feel, but inside my stomach in churning. My father died back in 1995 and I have just neverI really felt the same. Here I am yet again looking for reasons/excuses for the way I feel. I'm unsure of myself nearly all the time. I go through mood changes where I get this strong "not a problem" "whats the worst that can happen" attitude, a sort of high, then I go downhill fast and the wave of uncertainty comes back full on. I more times than not have a feeling of unsettled nerves. Small things that most people seem to just handle, set me off, making me so stressed that I cant eat, sleep and break out into cold sweats. I'm scared for some reason of going to a GP, fear of what to say. Any advise or help would be greatly appreciated.

geoff · ‎05-06-2014

dear Nellie, thanks for posting your comment I know you were apprehensive but well done for doing so.

There's no doubt that you are in the mist of having depression, oh I do remember crying at the drop of a hat, and even if I run out of antidepressants and miss a couple of days, then I still do the same, it's awful.

Why don't you write a note to your GP and just 'that I cry at anything', he/she will automatically know that you have depression, and when they ask you, then you will break out in tears, you don't have to do any more, because they will give you a script for antidepressants, and either set up a medicare plan or perhaps wait until they see how the AD is working first.

Unfortunately what's going to happen is that you will withdraw from your friends, because that's what all people who have this illness always do, it's not your fault, so please don't blame yourself.

I hope that you can come back to us so that slowly you can explain your situation, it's OK none of us will criticise you, there's only support and help here. L Geoff. x

MrsCam · ‎05-06-2014

nothing at all is "wrong with you"... sounds to me like a classic case of depression in which case a chat with your gp should be your first step.. can I ask why are you scared of talking with him/her?? do you think he/she may judge you?? if so, its time to find a new gp. judgememnt is not what you need right now... a prescription for antidepressant meds might be a good start. it can take a few trials & errors to find which med & dosage is best for you so again a gp you can openly talk to is key... goodluck

NellieJ · ‎05-06-2014

I suppose I have been told a few times by people "you'll be alright, just keep yourself busy and get on with it" which makes you feel like you must be just whinging. I guess that's why I have been struggling to at least post on this forum or seek help from a GP. About 10 years ago I went into a hole and my husband saw a side of me that I had been trying to hide. Not too sure why I try to hide it, I don't want to appear weak. A hole where I just couldn't get myself up out of. I would spend ages in tears cutting up vegetables into small cubes, just to take my mind off everything else. He got so worried that he called my mother, who lives over 3 hours away and asked her to come up and stay with us. Even with all this happening, when my mum arrived, I put on such a show that appeared to her that I wasn't as bad as things appeared. Yet again trying to hide. Throwing myself into cooking meals and doing the normal things. I live in a small country town where everyone knows your business. We have a small business of our own where you have to deal with the general public daily, which I love and can do extremely well, but sometimes find I can't handle. Someone comes through the door and my nerves go into overdrive. I again don't know why. I can do the job extremely well, but churn the whole time. I have driven to the nearest regional town and parked out the front of a Gps office but told myself that I was just being ridiculous and that I would probably be told that it was all in my imagination, and drove home. I have days when I am on top of the world and that's when I say to myself that there's nothing wrong. We struggle to get a GP that stays long enough so that you can get comfortable with. We had 10 days holiday just getting back a week or so ago. I look at the time we were away and I enjoyed it however on the night prior to us departing, I'm sitting on the couch in tears, instead of being excited. I know I have to make a move and go and see someone, but it just makes me feel even more useless that my life has come to this and why. I am babbling on and I am so sorry. But putting it in writing and having someone I don't know out there who cares is comforting.

MrsCam · ‎05-06-2014

Dont apologize for "babbling". Thats what online forums are all about, posting whatever is on your mind where no one is judging, just supporting....

I know just what you mean about people commenting "youll be alright, just keep busy and get on with it" its right up there with "what have you got to be depressed about?? Your life isnt so bad" in the list of top things a person suffering depression least needs to hear... sounds like your hubby has acknowledged that you do need help of some kind so thatis a plus... I know just what you mean bout getting and keeping good gps in a small town but hopefully you can find one worth talking to.... good luck

geoff · ‎06-06-2014

dear Nellie, mothers seem to have 4 eyes and will be able to pick up everything on the way you behave at home, they're been around the world so many times they don't miss a trick .lol

Did I hear you say 'weak', never and anybody who is suffering from depression is never ever that, so please refrain from saying that term, naughty, naughty. lol

Dealing with people in your business does make you put the mask on, and yes inside of your stomach it is churning away, and I can relate to this extremely well, by having my own business, where I used to sit in my van and pretend to do something before I took deep breathes before I knocked on their door.

By the way I love the photo of your kitten, sorry just a side-track, however we know and you really know that you have to see a GP and I wonder how far you are away from a largish town, because the longer you leave it the worse you will get. L Geoff. x

NellieJ · ‎06-06-2014

I know I have to see a GP but how do you approach it. You sit down, they say what brings you here today and you then burst into tears or just don't know how to say it. What then?? Embarrassment.

geoff · ‎06-06-2014

dear Nellie, if for some reason you do burst into tears and 99% sure that you will, that's alright don't be afraid in doing so, haven't we all and you want to see a gentle giant, that's me cry, and please remember you're depressed, and that's first priority, your health.

Doctors instantly know how you are feeling, they can tell by your eyes, and don't let me scare you away from saying this, but he/she will basically ask you how long you have felt like this, and the session will continue, it will go on quietly, they will look after you.

This is the time when you need some nuturing with them and with us. L Geoff. x

NellieJ · ‎03-09-2014

Have finally seeked help. Went to the doctor suffering from a very bad case of the Flu and after telling me that there was nothing he could do about that, I burst into tears as predicted and after a long talk he has now put me on a Mental Health Plan. Have seen the psychologist twice now, The first question she asked me was "Did I know why I was feeling the way I was. I just burst into tears and said "I dont know.".. So how is she ever going to help, if I don't know. She has started cognitive therapy. Only problem at the moment is that the list of "I cans" after writing a list of "I cant's" is quite extensive and the possibility of achieving them is about zero at the moment. Last week she touched on a few things that might be the problem so hopefully in a while we can figure out what is causing all these feelings. Mind you some days I feel as if nothing is a wrong or a worry. (That high before the plummeting low, which I know will return). I still feel all at sea with regards to everything about this. I am struggling still trying to accept that there is something wrong with me, even though I know there is. I guess I cant see an end to any of this in the near future, which scares me. Post traumatic stress has been mentioned, but I cant figure out where or how that could possibly be coming from. The psychologist has just said that this is something we'll address down the track. I suppose I am just worrying or possibly just impatient looking for a quick fix. I feel as if my life is very up in the air and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on just the basic things. Got the cant be bothered's big time. I'm still not sleeping properly and all I want to do most of the time is run away from everything and everyone.

laura86 · ‎03-09-2014

Dear Nellie,

I can relate to so much of what you've said. I too don't like to go to doctors about my depression and anxiety because really I don't know them and I don't generally talk openly to strangers about my problems! Also not all doctors are as helpful as others so I get where you are coming from. I also find my automatic reaction when talking to strangers or people I don't know well is to act like I'm fine. I don't want to fall apart in front of someone I hardly know! I embarrass really easily.

I too burst into tears over what seems like nothing. I often have to run into a nearby bathroom to hide. I always tell people I'm just too sensitive but I don't really know what the reason is. I think some of the most seemingly confident people in the world suffer from horrible depression, anxiety, OCD, BP and other mental health issues. So many actors and comedians who you would think are completely happy and confident are dying inside. It's more common than we realise.

There is often no "good" reason for feeling depressed- it just comes over us like a black cloud. People will tell us it'll all be fine and to keep busy (we've all heard that before!) because they don't know how it feels to be crippled the way that we are. And because of this we cover up how we feel, we pretend that we are fine because it's easier for other people. Well you don't need to pretend on here- we all know how it feels and can help you through it.

Keep posting and we'll work it out together : )

Laura